Loves Got a Hold On ....

Don't kid yourself, love has got a hold on most of us. 

We want a relationship.  We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention. 

Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with.  Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.

At what price?  At what cost?

I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week.  The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end.  It was a 4 hour date.  On a "school" night - well a work night, for me.  And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car.  And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."

I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.

At one point, he stopped and hugged me.  Tight.  I wasn't overly uncomfortable.  I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly.  And yet not. 

Since then, I've heard from him a little too much.  Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond.  Respond in some way.  More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.

And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.

I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you?  Huh? 

My own mother doesn't get this much information from me.  And neither do you.

And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure."  Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure.  I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social.  No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people  - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps.  At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost.  I'm not willing to let go of me.