This post is past due - it should have been posted by Tuesday of last, but it didn't make it.
I was hooked on someone - have had an attraction with a fella that appears to be successful.* It appears that he is just a player, at the moment.**
And in the middle of Tuesday, reeling backwards after realizing that Pudding has no life, thanks to a discussion with my best girlfriend, something another friend once said, came across my mind "If God SHUT the door, LEAVE IT SHUT."
When in my reeling, my best girlfriend said, "Ya, you have a problem with that door. You get out your hammer and start taking out nails and then remember that God SHUT the door so tightly He put nails in it. You need to stop that."
*I then said, I don't even know if Pinedale is what he says he is. People (and I should have learned this BY NOW) say all sorts of things online and are they really true? One guy "smokes occassionally" turned into pretty much regularly; his social drinking really is "I get drunk and turn into an asshole."
I have another person in my life right now that appears "successful" on the outside, however their life really is a mess. They are very co-dependent.
I went on to say that as far as I know, he is just a pretty picture.
She responded with "That is what I just said. A man is lucky if you give him attention. You are complete. A man simply gives you the chance to save another of God's creatures...lol...just kidding. We are human and humans need to be around other humans. However we can survive just fine on our own."
She went onto say "the proof is in the pudding and right now he is just the pretty box the pudding comes in. Don't even know if the box is empty." (LOL)
**And until he makes much MUCH more of an attempt to get my attention, he's stuck in the box.
Looking for my Dance Partner....
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Loves Got a Hold On ....
Don't kid yourself, love has got a hold on most of us.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Player
I shared my experience, I guess I'll call it with a male friend of mine, someone who I hold very dear to me....and he responded with "I think online dating makes it easier for players to be players, it gives them more confidence." He went on and said, "do not give up."
Pinedale Games
A year ago, I met a guy, that seemed almost too good to be true, yet he isn't out of the country (as far as I know) and I turned him down when he asked me to meet him in Riverton.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Moment of Something
I just had a moment of feeling fat (okay these specific moments are many right now, as I need to get into a better fitness program) and so un-lovable, undesirable, when a friend popped into my mind. And the thought of her, and all that she is, reminded me to be comfortable with who I am, and all that I have to offer.
It was a moment of something.
I've started to put my fishing line back into the water. I took it out, and put it to rest a few months back when I hadn't met anyone that I wanted to at least dig a worm up for.
However, I really want a companion.
Yes, I want sex. Yes, I want great sex.
Though when it comes right down to it, I want someone to tell my silly stories to, someone to drink coffee with and discuss even politics with -
someone that cares if I am late, or if I fell with my bike. Simply someone who I can run my hands through his hair, and if he has none... well, I'll probably find another loving way to touch him.
So as I continue on my path, I probably will find myself have "A Moment of Something."
It was a moment of something.
I've started to put my fishing line back into the water. I took it out, and put it to rest a few months back when I hadn't met anyone that I wanted to at least dig a worm up for.
However, I really want a companion.
Yes, I want sex. Yes, I want great sex.
Though when it comes right down to it, I want someone to tell my silly stories to, someone to drink coffee with and discuss even politics with -
someone that cares if I am late, or if I fell with my bike. Simply someone who I can run my hands through his hair, and if he has none... well, I'll probably find another loving way to touch him.
So as I continue on my path, I probably will find myself have "A Moment of Something."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Expressed Like Never Before
7 years ago, my former spouse asked for a divorce. After so many years of being controlled in a certain sense, by both him and his mom, I couldn't believe it. I had given up, 4 months earlier, a job because he gave me the ULTIMATIUM...it was either my job or him. My parents were adivisng me not to quit, to leave on a good note; he didn't understand that despite the positions "crap," it did give me a sense of belonging. And now... neither. Of course, I went into denial...and we struggled for another 3 months.
Then I got job in town; found a little apartment for my dog and I. Nothing was the same. Nothing was ever the same. At times, a quiet voice inside me said, "tell him to find a lawyer and get it done." Just do it, just do something, for once that doesn't require YOUR MOM. That is how I felt.
I know lots of people, probably the majority of people, still believe that it was I, who asked for the divorce. I had been controlled, manipulated; I put up with water that I couldn't drink, I couldn't bathe, I couldn't clean with. Did I finally have enough?
No, because I felt then that if my marriage crumbled it would be ALL MY FAULT. I HAD to make it work. In addition to the fact that I believed then what I still do....my ex-husband is not a bad guy. He has a sweet tender heart. The world is a better place because he is in it, its just too bad he can't own that.
However this isn't about him, this is about me. YES, ME! Damn it. I gave up my way of life, I gave up possibilities for me, to marry and move to rural Montana. To learn a new way of life. And I did. I learned to ride, and enjoy it. I learned to cut cows and be successful at it. I learned how to calve a heifer, know how long to wait before I went in to help. I learned who to call for what kind of help. I learned names of grasses, I learned about rattle snakes and different birds. The signs of spring. I came to appreciate nature in a way I would never have. I possibly understand people better because of my life in Montana. I also got crushed.
Big Time.
Had to give up my way of life, the life I'd come to know and even love. Basically had to give up everything, again, for him. What did he give up?
Rounding the corner, enhancing on the art that I love and art that I wanted to learn, I got involved with another art group in town. Painters, sculpters .....artists of a different fiber. I took classes I would never had, had I still been in Montana. Mainly because I wouldn't know they existed.
Something I have wanted to do for the past 5 years, is to have my own "Art Camp." A place very much like Brave Girls Club, though I hadn't formalized it enough in my mind.... but a place where adults could come and try their "hand" at art. Whether it be pottery, yupo, MODGE PODGE, weaving.... knitting, felting, fabric dying..... some will take with them a sense of healing, others a wonderful experience of taking this art piece that didn't turn out with another and making something that DID. Or maybe it doesn't, but hang it on the wall and call it "a walk in nature" and see what kind of life it takes on.
What I've come to realize, for myself, is that Life is ART. ALL of life. Whether it be cooking oatmeal for your children in the morning, hiking the hills looking for deer sheds, saving a life in the OR, communicating....ALL of that is art. And its special. And its beautiful.
Then I got job in town; found a little apartment for my dog and I. Nothing was the same. Nothing was ever the same. At times, a quiet voice inside me said, "tell him to find a lawyer and get it done." Just do it, just do something, for once that doesn't require YOUR MOM. That is how I felt.
I know lots of people, probably the majority of people, still believe that it was I, who asked for the divorce. I had been controlled, manipulated; I put up with water that I couldn't drink, I couldn't bathe, I couldn't clean with. Did I finally have enough?
No, because I felt then that if my marriage crumbled it would be ALL MY FAULT. I HAD to make it work. In addition to the fact that I believed then what I still do....my ex-husband is not a bad guy. He has a sweet tender heart. The world is a better place because he is in it, its just too bad he can't own that.
However this isn't about him, this is about me. YES, ME! Damn it. I gave up my way of life, I gave up possibilities for me, to marry and move to rural Montana. To learn a new way of life. And I did. I learned to ride, and enjoy it. I learned to cut cows and be successful at it. I learned how to calve a heifer, know how long to wait before I went in to help. I learned who to call for what kind of help. I learned names of grasses, I learned about rattle snakes and different birds. The signs of spring. I came to appreciate nature in a way I would never have. I possibly understand people better because of my life in Montana. I also got crushed.
Big Time.
Had to give up my way of life, the life I'd come to know and even love. Basically had to give up everything, again, for him. What did he give up?
Rounding the corner, enhancing on the art that I love and art that I wanted to learn, I got involved with another art group in town. Painters, sculpters .....artists of a different fiber. I took classes I would never had, had I still been in Montana. Mainly because I wouldn't know they existed.
Something I have wanted to do for the past 5 years, is to have my own "Art Camp." A place very much like Brave Girls Club, though I hadn't formalized it enough in my mind.... but a place where adults could come and try their "hand" at art. Whether it be pottery, yupo, MODGE PODGE, weaving.... knitting, felting, fabric dying..... some will take with them a sense of healing, others a wonderful experience of taking this art piece that didn't turn out with another and making something that DID. Or maybe it doesn't, but hang it on the wall and call it "a walk in nature" and see what kind of life it takes on.
What I've come to realize, for myself, is that Life is ART. ALL of life. Whether it be cooking oatmeal for your children in the morning, hiking the hills looking for deer sheds, saving a life in the OR, communicating....ALL of that is art. And its special. And its beautiful.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Eyes Open, Door Shut
Quite honestly, until someone comes around that is exciting in some way, my door is shut. I've kept my eyes open, ears alive, and willing to go on a date, or date someone with spark. However, some of my goals have changed, some of my.... I don't know. At the moment, I'm takin' a break!
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