Eat, Pray, Love ....and Pray Some More!

Had a pretty good thing going with a fella that I really do like - okay, I love him.  And I did let him know it, since he recently changed the dance steps.

It's really a mixed bag.  It's like the song changing from "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles to "Try" by Pink, literally in the middle of the dance.

I got involved with him, knowing full well, that he needed time to process his divorce, his life.  And yet, I did follow him.  I let him lead.  And now the dance has changed, and I find myself - well - probably like others, except again, it's a mixed bag.

Others have dealt with this, when their spouse is either in a bad accident and no longer know them or go through something traumatic and suffer a deep depression*.  The difference, we aren't married.  I could walk away.

At the moment, I can't walk away and yet I ....sometimes wonder.  Am I not the crazy one for staying?  Hasn't life dealt me enough hardship?  Haven't I taken on enough bullshit?

He went, from "loving me" to pretty much telling me he wasn't in love with me and just wanted to be friends, if that was possible.  Um....huh?  Um....okay....um, what?  Um... huh? 

While he hasn't admitted it, and I'm not even sure he's aware of it, or able to, all of his actions - or his words and responses point to depression.  A severe depression as well. 

I have some friends that tell me to say "Fuck you, get out," and yet I can't.  Though sometimes, part of me, really wants to.  Basically I want the Mr. R that I know to come back; what if he doesn't?  As I work through things today, I still want him to come visit me.  I want him to do stuff (no, not JUST that) with me; what if he doesn't?

I have been where he is - struggling for normal, struggling to find himself, when one just isn't there. 

While it is true, unless you are happy with yourself, you really can't be happy with another.  One said, "well if he hasn't learned how to be by now, he might not."  TRUE.  If all the 46 years of his life, he had been single.  But he hasn't.  He has spent 20 years of his life married.  Devoting himself to his wife and his family while still trying to maintain some of himself. 

If you haven't devoted yourself to another for even 5 years - where you believe that the two of you are committed to each other and you are building a life together that goes in the same direction, then I would be surprised  that you understand.

You do loose yourself, and then when someone literally rejects you after ALL you have given -

My first year of actually divorced - not the year I got divorced, but the year after.... I would have PAID for someone to come and read in my house.  Or anything.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to know I wasn't alone.

I remember dating people that were so different from my ex-husband, thinking THAT was the route. And putting myself in relationships that were so unhealthy for me, just so someone would love me.  And no one did.  Furthermore, I didn't love me.  At times, I didn't even think I could be a mother to my dog and cat; I wondered how people with children did it.  Would it have been easier?

The only two answers I know at the moment....or maybe three..... or maybe two...
1) Mr. R's actions were not meant to hurt me; despite him acting like an asshole, he is not.
2) It hurts to talk to him, it hurts not to talk to him. 
3) I have to take care of me first.
4) He may not know it, I do believe he is chasing grief and peace.  And for him, right now, those two are the sides of the same coin.  He can think it is a person, and maybe it is - it's just not the person he is thinking.  It isn't a person that is separate from him, it is himself.
5) Embarking on this friendship - with the possibility that it comes back to the intimate relationship that at one time we were building together - may be one of the more difficult things I have ever had, no, chosen to do in my life.  

So maybe I have 5 answers. 

The Playa

My girlfriend has moved up from being all about the butt. 

This next fella is attractive, has personality, and probably a butt, too.... and I think she really likes him, however, for all practical purposes, he seems to be,


(drum roll)....

A Playa.

He'd actually be perfect for what she is wanting right now.  
And that is someone who doesn't want commitment, doesn't even want 24/7 in any way, who wants to go have fun.

However she cannot share.
I'm not saying she ought to.
She has admitted to me, and to other friends, she just isn't "that girl."
She is too insecure.
And that is okay.
Though it is too bad.

While I think that he is "playing" now, I don't necessarily think he will always be.

Some men play, always.
Some men play, when you aren't the right one.
Some men play, because they can.
Some men play, until something changes and they change.
Some men play, because they've been married and now are divorced and WOW, all these women want him. Who to choose from? 

A playa, isn't necessarily a jackass.
He isn't necessarily someone you don't want your children to meet, or that you wouldn't take home for Thanksgiving Dinner.

You just have to realize that you may not be around when he decides to play a different game, and settle down.   And be okay with that. 

You can play his game, or not.

COFFEE and Finding Your Complimentary

I think it was after my former brother in law divorced, that my mom said to me (as we were discussing these events), it is important to marry, "your compliment."  In other words, it's beneficial to marry someone that will compliment you - together you two bring out the very best ONE person.

For many many people, making coffee is as simple as scooping coffee into the machine, adding water and turning on the coffee maker.  Out comes a great tasting cup of coffee.  Not, so much, for me.

Seriously.

Today's pot I made with half the normal water - which I knew going into the process, but it wasn't until it was dripping that I remembered that I did NOT cut the amount of coffee put in.  

My current fella, while he makes some strong coffee...it tastes good, I can add cream and sugar and still really enjoy it.

Find your complimentary person.

The Pit Bull

I'll keep this short and sweet.... sarcastically she says.

I called my ex husband, he wasn't there.  I left a message, asking him to call me.

Later that night, I received a TEXT.  From his (new - about 3 years now) wife.

"It told me that my ex husband would not be able to return my call for at least a couple days.  If it was an emergency, to let HER know and SHE would pass on my message."

HUH?

1) I didn't call HER, nor did I give HER my cell number or "authority" to text me.

2) Did he EVEN get my message?  (It's been 10 days and I haven't heard from him)

3) IF IT had been an emergency, He really would not be the first person I would call - and if he was the person that I needed to call, I would not call her to pass on the message.  Hell, I would call HIS mother.

Careful of who you do hook up with, you do not want to be married to the "guard dog," let alone one that reminds others of a pit bull.

The Facade

I am considering (highly) contacting my ex-husband.  This will be the first time in, heavens, years.  At least 5 if not more.  Wow, where did the time go?

There was once a time that I thought it would never end.  That he would be on my mind always.  That, in some ways, I would never love another, like him.  

I have one last .... need.  I won't go into it,  here.  It's very private for me.  However 9 years ago, he offered something and I didn't take it because of my own pride.  Well, I'm swallowing my pride.

My question, my reason for contacting him is a thought I've had. And until Tuesday, I honestly thought "you can't."  However I shared it with another, my "thing," this last piece of my history really that I want to put to bed.  That is haunting me and I don't want to carry it anymore.  It is the last thing.

In some ways, I suppose my own facade.

That point, "my own facade," came shockingly, just now.  This post actually began about him.  

In some sense, he has moved on, quite a bit.  I don't doubt that, I never have.  He married approximately 3 years ago.  To a woman who really does have her own issues.  

It isn't that the family doesn't like her, nor is it that it appears she doesn't like them.  I don't know the issues, nor do I care.  I find them interesting, when I am around all of them.  This division; this woman controlling my ex-husband in a manner so surprising to me.  I never did. It was always his mom, controlling him.

Up until he ran into this "new wife," he would at least speak to me, in public.  For about a year, that hurt, his behavior towards me.  I wondered "what did I do?"  And then with time, and help from friends, I realized, I did nothing.  It was, it is, her.

SHE HAS and he has allowed her influence to make it so HE HAS, an issue with the ex-wife, who has absolutely nothing specifically, nothing purposely to do with them.

SHE HAS issues.  Simple as that.

And as I ponder calling him, wondering if she will come into the picture - even though it isn't about her - it's between him and I - it dawned on me,

his behavior, when I am around, could very well be a facade.

It isn't that his feelings for me have changed to something bad, and it isn't necessarily that he is letting her control him and how he behaves.... it is that he, may very well, be embarrassed ?  that he got into a relationship in which he again, has to bow to another.  That in order to make this relationship work, he has to pretend and allow her to call the shots??

Ah... Valentine's Day

Again, it's Valentine's Day.

Another day, we hope, we pray, we desire....

someone of "our" interest will show us 

they are interested.

This year, for the first time in 10 years,

I have a Valentine.

However, he lives 5 hours away.

I won't be spending the day with him.

The mixed emotions of the whole deal is that

I believe every day out ought to be Valentines' Day.

It shouldn't just be one day out of the year....or maybe two...

Birthdays, that we bat our eyes, dress to the nines and 

share "sweet SOMETHINGS."

However to have someone that I rather like kissing,

holding hands, and just hanging out with...

and yet, not be able to kiss, hug, or be with,

is,

kind of sad.

I will miss not having him here.

The flip side of the coin is,

my beloved "crush" from this time, 

last year.

He's with the girl he was dating

a year ago.

That's nice, isn't it?

Though they did break up for a short amount of time,

and it would be, it seems,

after they got back together,

that he shared with  her,

how I chased him,

a year ago.

And I did.

I asked him out,

I flirted with him,

and with time,

I even 

Made

him

let 

me

take

a sip

of 

his

"expensive"

drink.

The look on his face,

Priceless.

Especially since

by then,

I had

NO

NONE

interest in him.

I laugh

when I see them.

Because whenever they think I am looking

specifically

AT THEM,

they mesh into this deep throat kiss.

I have that affect on them.

So I think I'll put on my happy face

for Valentines Day

even though my true crush

is 5 hours away,

I will see if I can spark someone else's passion.

Bat my eye lashes,

and move on down the road!

The Maggot

And so it is, the fella that was once a stepping stone, has finally earned himself a real nick name.

THE MAGGOT

We'd already given out the name of "Cockroach" to someone, what was left? I'm sure there is more.

Though like the stepping stones, some things have been learned.  Surprising things, even.

Said friend, states how she likes a "tight ass."  It's all about the butt for her.

Frankly I don't give that part of the human body a lot of thought, unless of course it is fat and unattractive.

I think she, unknowingly, to her, has moved "up" in her world.

Because with the Maggot, 1) we never really saw his butt.  The only time his butt was presented in public, was when he was working as a waiter; the rest of the time,  2) His butt was covered up by "Painter" pants.  Painter pants are rarely tight.  3) That part of his physique was also covered up by a too-large t-shirt that he always wore loose.  It was never tucked in.  So frankly, we never saw his butt.

His personality:  total ass.

So the next time my friend says, "yes, but I am a 'tight ass' person," I am going to point out - Maggot's ass was never a factor when you fell for him, so the ass is not what you need to worry about.  You need to focus on their personality.

Stepping Stones

It is so much easier to look from the outside in, than it is to look from the inside out.

To be able to watch your friend being visually de-clothed by the guy next to her and cringe, want to grab her and run, is easier than being the girl being looked at.  It's also easier to say, "don't give your name out" to your friend, than being the person in that situation and when asked "what is your name?"  you tell them.

And even though your friend knows that you think the guy is manipulative, that he will hurt her, she sometimes simply has to go through the whole "relationship" - whatever that may consist of - in order to move past that stone.

Yep, some "relationships" are just stepping stones to who we are meant to be; and who we are meant to be with - whether that be with someone worthy of a relationship, or by ourselves.  

SCORE for the BOLD

It really was a priceless moment, when at the bar, we halted right in front of my Dumbass, who had just gotten himself a drink.

He is so very arrogant. 

He says, "hello ladies," as though we are there to see HIM.  And he held his drink out in such a way, I truly could not keep myself from grabbing it.

But OH NO... along with arrogance comes selfishness.

He couldn't, wouldn't let go of that drink.  Goodness no.

So I merely grabbed the two straws in the drink and took quite a sip, as he and my friends watched.  You could see he had NOT one idea what to do, what to think or barely what to say.  He merely said, "it's Tanqueray Gin and Tonic," and walked back to his girlfriend.

My friends watched me in shock, surprise and ultimately, in humor.  Did she really do that?  

The "Joker"

Ever have a time, when 10 minutes after you've just said "Yes," you frantically search your mind for a way to get out of the situation, and yet, you just can't???

Well, that happened a couple weeks ago.  My friend had just performed on stage, with a belly dance.  It was amazing and beautiful.  Saying hello, good byes, etc., on the way out, a friend of her's who was talking to a young man, suggested he make a "play" for her.  Get to know her.  So he came outside, to where the Librarian, the News Reporter and I were standing, and immediately asked her "can I buy you dinner (across the street)?"  She responded, "Sure, can my friends go?"  And away the 4 of us went.

We weren't even across the street when he yells back over to the theater, "Mom, we're going over for dinner.  Come on over."

The 4 of us get inside, and the hostess seats us.  We are barely sat down, when "Mom," and her best friend show up.  Mom is asking "how are we all going to fit at this table?"

Um..... oh .... how do I get out of this??

Before my mind can even finish that question, we area whisked off to a table that will seat 6 of us.

Once seated, menus appearing, we have a good look at one another.

The young man who has asked my friend out, is a rather interesting looking young man.  Long narrow face with blond hair, equally thin body.  He gazes intently at my girlfriend; as the night would drag on, I could see him taking her clothes off with his eyes.  I suppose that is really what men do, especially in the beginning, however to watch it occur - is something else.

Mom, whose name I have forgotten, probably because she was so obnoxious, reminded me of an uneducated (if there could be)  Erin Brockovich, and very NEEDY. She had this hair that was everywhere.  Glasses.  Some little top on with literally a "Ribbon" as though she had won some award at the 4-H Fair that said "Birthday Girl," and a skirt with the top yoke being of a denim skirt and pockets attached to black gauze.

Kimberly, Mom's friend, had on a blue shirt that had Tinker Bell on it.  In addition, she had her hair up in an orange (to match part of her shirt) banana clip; what hair didn't fit into that, was held up with matching colored hair clips.  Her earrings were in a complimentary color (though within the colors of her t-shirt) and feathers.  She had on what I would describe as bike shorts under her very short shorts.  And she carried on, "Oh I have never eaten here...what's good?  Have you eaten here?  What do you recommend???"

This young man, as the night wore on... reminded me of Heath Ledger as the "Joker" in Batman.  And somewhat of Jim Carey, though his looks are rather neither.

The Joker, this young man, would spend his time gaulking at my friend, and having semi-serious discussions with his mom.  He would announce rather early in the dinner (before we even ordered) that he and his mom had spent a good 30 years not talking to one another, however they seemed to have recently reconciled.

And thank goodness for that.... I can't imagine WHAT dinner would have been like, otherwise.

The Joker would inform us that he had done 5 years for the State of Wyoming (his mom assured us that not all that time was at the State Penitentiary),  however he would clarify, if not for us, definitely for his mom, that he did do 5 years... for selling Meth.

Now he was building expensive tiled Thrones (bathrooms) for people.  That he liked to "Create."

I did take the lead in ordering; the kitchen was going to close shortly, they couldn't make up their minds because every so often a fight would erupt between them.  The Joker would order Scotch and Water; it made an impression on me as he was very particular as to the type of Scotch, and yet he didn't finish his drink.

The Joker's movements were that of a scary Jim Carey movie; definitely someone who has ADHD.  And has used meth?  He certainly spoke to my girlfriend, and when she wasn't looking - admiring what he thought she'd look like naked.  Though he'd have to flip over to his mom and her girlfriend, as though he was on a date with 3 women at once.

The News Reporter and I, made light talk with them, though basically all we could really do is watch, as this unfolded.

Kimberly, mom's friend, would ask The Joker, WHY her son referred to her as, called her and apparently everyone else, a "bitch."  The Joker would respond, "because you don't show him unconditional love.  Your love for him has conditions.  Do you ever JUST LISTEN to him?? All he wants is for you to LISTEN to him."  Well, Kimberly could barely just listen to the Joker; I really have no idea how she could "just listen" to her own son.  And I wanted to pipe up and say, "children that call their parents such names, probably 1) learned it from someone, such as a father/boyfriend/brother, and 2) were ignored as children by said people, 3) are very angry.  I didn't, mainly because I just wanted to eat dinner and get out.

The Joker's mom would ask, after the f-bomb was dropped a few times - by her son, to her; by her son, in front of her, by her son... "Would you say 'fuck' in front of your mom?"

HA!

My girlfriend said no.

I said, "I've been saying it since I was 4.  My mom's heard it from my mouth, many times."

I know Kimberly was shocked.

There would be some small talk, or short conversations about the show we had just seen, and if they performed every week, etc.  The conversations were short as invariably the Joker's mom would say something and he'd have to turn to her, and in a hushed shout, tell her .... basically... why... he thought (that she was an idiot).

Mom would share with the News Reporter and myself that she had 2 more boys, twins... one lived - where?  She would have to ask the Joker, where Nick lived.  The other son, he lived in California and is an eternal college student.  That's all he does, is go to school.

She would also share that she has NO IDEA how her kids got like they did.  Again, I wanted to say, "REALLY?  You are so needy at this ripe old age of??? and you don't know how your children...all 3 of them...got this way."

Now I do realize, that children can be different than parents expect them.  Whether they are gay, or an artist, or Magic Johnson or Led Zepplan, they can be very different.  Though seriously, when all 3 cut the tie and Mom is overbearing, it's hard NOT to say... "Did you every think about someone besides yourself?" to mom.

Mom would also complain that the State of Wyoming would move the Joker from the local jail for NO REASON...to another part of the State.  Then to another town jail; never telling her...after she traveled through a SNOW storm, had to get a tow truck (I didn't hear why, and I didn't ask), go through all this stuff (another time, the story would have been "I had to walk 20 miles in snow as deep as your ass, with only sandals on, wind blowing everything about and it was at least 50 below) only to find out that they had moved her son, and no one bothered to tell her.  And WHY?? I offered up a suggestion as to why, and Mom, she wanted none of it.  Nope, she asked "why did they have to move him away from her?" and yet "already had the answer."  Okay.

The meal would end with the Joker basically ignoring my girlfriend (he had, thankfully ignored me during this time - or maybe I ignored him as my system was a bit in overload, either way) so that he could, in this hushed yell, tell his mom off.  Tell her exactly what "true, real love" is - what it isn't.  He sounded just like a born-again Christian.... learning to reconcile his life and where he went wrong by doing drugs (what caused him to go down that route) as he told his mom, what LOVE is.  And What it Is Not.

My girlfriend wouldn't leave; even though the News Reporter skipped over to another table and I'm not sure he ever returned.  Maybe to say "thank you for dinner" because the Joker DID, in fact, buy us all (including Mom and Kimberly) dinner and drinks.  My girlfriend said, "I cannot repay rudeness with rudeness."

Um.... I can understand that.  Though she and I do disagree on this one.  As I said later, even a " 'good date' has to come to an end."

And so it was with a final, desperation, really, on my part...to get her away from him.... that I walked up to her (as she was finally standing at the table, trying to say good-night to him), and I said, "Girlfriend, I NEED you to drive me home."  (If she can't do this for herself, then I, as her wing man, can.  Remember that... a Good Wing Man does her best to keep her friend from harm)

My biggest fear, and I did express this to her and the News Reporter, as we left, was that he would come find her - where she worked. He showed up at her place of employment the next day....and then again this past week....here is the proof:

The Year of The Dumb Ass

As my boyfriend says, "the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A week ago, my friends and I, after having dinner at home, went out on the town.  Immediately upon landing in one known establishment, I saw both Dumbass D. and Dumbass Colemun.  Actually, it is the otherway around, I met Dumb Ass Colemun prior to even coming across Dumb Ass D.  

Dumb Ass D. however was apparently back together with his boring girlfriend - and together they make a very boring couple, however that is so NOT my problem.  I ignored them.  I also ignored Dumb Ass C.

It would be later that evening when Dumb Ass C came up to my girlfriends, while I was talking to some other interesting Smoke Jumper from Idaho, and have the gall to say, "Are the Cougars out on the prowl?" and Rock Star would reply, "Don't call us that.  And we do not want you."  In which he, embarrassed-ly so, shuffled away.

Last night, again... Dumb Ass and Dumb Ass.  Dumb Ass D came up to us, putting his arms around a few friends, saying "hello," or something to that affect - I commented "BORING," though I doubt he caught my drift... and the Librarian said, "Where's Jen?  she seemed to leave you in the dust," at which time he then scuffled away as well.  Thank goodness.   And hours alter, Dumb Ass C would block Rock Stars way (I was behind her, ignoring him and his dumb ass girlfriend)  and ask her if "she was still mad at him."  Clearly he wants to be important to us; and he'd have to be important to us for Rock Star or any of us to be mad at him.

Darlin', hate to break this to your ego... You are a DUMB ASS.  You are either really dumb (to turn down a beer drinking date with me, in which I was going to buy), or boring (all you seem to do .. IS DRINK), or just plain not all that interesting on any real level (if you think your cowboy looks are going to get you everywhere, you may want to start working on that lack of personality... especially when a 40 something woman bothers you).... if I could think of something to say so that Dumb Ass C. never spoke to us again, I would... however I just don't think he is that smart.

The more I change, the more you do not change.

The Librarian met a Dumb Dumb.  Actually Anita came across two really Dumb Dumbs.

Rock Star met a Dumber.

Last night, was kind of funny, from my perspective, as Dumb Ass D and his girlfriend (2 months ago they were broke up, and I could have cared less) - as they sat on their bar stools, they had troubles not looking at us and talking about us.  Couldn't be 100% sure they WERE talking about us, however I was 100% sure they WERE looking at us.  That we were important to them.  

And how can I not be so THANKFUL to not be with either of them.  I would be most embarrassed to be seen with either, in any self-respecting way.  And that is the only way I would be with either of them.

It's definitely been the Year of the Dumb Ass.  
And the more we change, the more they stay the same.

A Decent Pair of Shoes

I've embarked on this conversation with my girlfriend, twice now, in the past 6 months - of finding out that a guy has a girlfriend and yet, not able to let go.  Why is that?  Always before, once I found out he was (usually) married, or devoted (to some degree) to another, I let that door shut.  I didn't hope to run into him - actually I hoped NOT to run into him.  

My girlfriend replied, "Well, maybe part of it is now, is you are really kind of wanting someone, and when you find someone you felt was worthy, it's harder to let go because really, how many 'decent' options are in this town?"

I really think that is it.  I have been here for 8 years, and have come across three men in the past year, that I would deem worthy.  I asked the 1st guy out, and he said, "No thank you."  While he was very nice about it, did it in a way that didn't slam the door (i.e. see him out and there is no embarrassment or rudeness), I knew I wasn't going to put myself out there again.  If he wanted to, or wants to, he can ask ME out.  

The second and third guy arrived into my life about the same time.  The jury is still out on the 2nd guy.

The third.... as my friend said, you have to put it in perspective.

He's not available (he has a girlfriend) and therefore he is not a decent option.

(Unless you don't mind stealing men from other women)

*While I certainly wouldn't want someone to specifically go after a guy I was seeing, if he wandered, I would have to accept that he wasn't meant for me.  And perhaps the fact that I didn't get that chance,  to even date my 3rd crush is well - God's way of both saying "he's not meant for you and I am protecting you from that hurt."

Since he isn't available, he isn't a decent option.

Which goes back to A Decent Pair of Shoes.

 If the shoes don't fit,

 if the shoes hurt my feet,

 if the shoes cost too much money - 

as MUCH as I may want them -

as good as they may look on the shelf, or in the window,

they simply are not a decent option.

Just Like A Shoe

Yesterday afternoon, as I sat outside the place I exercise, and my crush ran by -

well, I felt slightly, odd.  

Out of place.

He has a girlfriend.

I have other interests.

And other interests that aren't having to be forced.

Later,

in my kitchen,

I thought of sitting in my car.

Watching my crush.

And I thought,

definitely

time

to

move on.

Takes me back to college days,

a fella asked me to dance.

My crush on him 

ignited.

I cruised,

hoping to run into him.

A glance,

a glimpse,

for a semester.

Only to find,

he was devoted to another.

If there isn't anything that I can,

blame,

find negative

about my crush

to get over him...

to move on...

I can

at least

remember

that feeling

of disgust.

At myself.

For not thinking that I have

more to do,

more to offer,

at least to myself,

than...

following.

Dare I say, stalking?

Hell!

How boring is that?

for me to sit, in a HOT car,

with a HOT dog.

Blah.

That should shake me loose.

And stop forcing something,

that hurts.

It's time to move on.

To walk away.

To put on the shoes that do fit,

if it's only my running shoes,

and escape.

Find myself.

My Interests.

And be fun.

And ALIVE.

And,

simply,

just,

be.

Trust....well....in God

I don't want to appear religious, though I do believe I have a strong faith.
I do believe that God is with me, always, even if He doesn't appear as I want him, or even when I want him to....or more so, exactly HOW I want Him to. 


A friend of mine recently recommended a book called "Plan B."  The book, from my understanding, talks about "what if God doesn't appear as you expect Him to, is He still around?"  And the answer (in the book) is yes.  And that God doesn't owe you anything - He gave us life.   Just because things aren't coming together as you want, you plan and pray about, that doesn't mean that God has left you.


Anyways, again this morning I found myself thinking of the 3 men that I've crushed on since... April? May?  And how, in a sense, two of them, kind of fell by the way side.  One of them, because I simply only had one-avenue of contact and that has ended.  The second, because he has a girlfriend (for one thing).  The third, I've maintained contact with - and do rather like him.


Is God's hand not in this?  Is He not partially responsible for how, for where I've met these men? and thus, for how life has played out??    And if I put my faith in God, put my Trust in God, then wouldn't it seem that if two men have fallen by the way-side, if only temporarily - though that remains to be seen, that I ought to Trust that??  Trust that God does know me, does know my needs, wants, desires, and what is best for me, and is providing?  


I certainly do have a fear in this relationship that is being developed, as the third man, is recently divorced.  And yet, it doesn't "feel" like the many other men I have met at this stage in their life.  Where I literally wanted to hurl at the thought of them holding my hand, again.  As though their very life depended on whether I was within running their hand through my hair or not.  His being doesn't feel desperate.


So shall I not, or Shall I, Trust....well... in God?  That He knows my needs, my wants, my desires and that He is there.  He is here.  He is working, in my life.

Humiliation

My friend who found herself in the Elevator Closet asked, prior to telling me what happened with Boy Toy, "can you top this?"


Honestly, I don't know.
I just know that I've had plenty of humiliating moments.


And every time I take a chance, I literally feel like I've never been in that place before.


As I blogged the other day about having asked 4 men out this year, 4 more men than I've ever asked out, I have asked men out before.


It isn't like this is something all that new to me.


However, if you want humiliation - read this.


When I was in college, I played in the band.
There was a REALLY cute drummer, and I thought he knew who I was.
At least.


So I sent him....Oh Dear God... a card...on,
you guessed it,
Valentine's Day.


Asking him out.


I was only slightly less shy as I was in high school.


And, I bet you guessed again,
He had NO idea who I was.


None.


He came into class the next day,
asking the Director who I was.


He never responded.
That was enough humiliation.


I did my best to avoid him for the rest of the year.
Only 5 days a week, every week for the next 3 months.


It would be the following year,
that we would accidentally come across one another.
Certainly, we were in band together, but Valentine's Day was so - so - long- ago.
By that time, for being 20, he handled it very well.


We never dated.
We never talked about my ... card.


I think of him, every now and then.
Sometimes with embarrassment.
Sometimes with just thankfulness.
Thankful that he handled it so kindly.

Going After What You Want - May Lead You to the Elevator Closet

My girlfriend recently had - what she felt to be - a humiliating moment in her love life.
She had fallen for her play thing.
It happens.


She had asked him,
weeks ago,
is this going anywhere?


He said, 
We'll talk Tuesday.
First Clue.


He was her first toy.
How was she to know,
it was the First clue?


In all honesty,
you don't know.
You never really know.


One night,
Two weeks,
More than Three Drinks later.....


He leaves without saying Good-bye.
Where did he go?
So she texts.


He's at home.
He's heading to bed.
Don't come over.


Damn it!
I need an answer.
I asked "is this going anywhere?"


Upon arriving,
it's dark.
Perhaps this is the Second Clue?


She's more than tipsy,
She's angry,
And she's going to get her answer.


Yet,
it doesn't look like
it normally does.


Usually there is a light,
a door open,
not, tonight.


So she takes the first door.
OOPSY.
The door shuts.


She hears a noise -
is it the neighbor?
Oh God.


She doesn't make a sound,
doesn't want to be found,
thinking "I really don't do this......


........... kind of thing."


A text is sent,
she gets his attention,
he comes out,


and finds her.
in......the......
Elevator Closet.


"What are you doing? Why are you here?"
he asks, 
"I told you not to come."


"Yes, but I want my answer."
To what? He asks.
"Is this going anywhere?"


In the Elevator Closet?
Probably the 3rd or 4th clue?
He responds, "you said you had another interest."


She replies, "I said,
I wouldn't pursue him,
If this is going somewhere."


You're in the Elevator Closet - Where can it go?


She's furious.
She's tells him she misses him.
He's in shock.


There they are,
in the Elevator Closet.
No one's ever been so honest
to say,
they've missed him.


"Well," he starts,
"You said you had another interest and I,
am seeing a porn star."


"For how long?  
I don't do this kind of thing!
And I miss you."


He replies,
"for a couple weeks."
GASP!


"Couldn't you have told me?
Couldn't you have been honest with me?," 
she asked.


"You said you had another interest and
I did tell you,"
he replied.


"When you said you were seeing a porn star,
I thought you were joking."
She answered, as she stands in 


the elevator closet.


She leaves,
with her answer,
finally gotten,


in the elevator closet.

Bases Loaded?

It's really difficult to remember exactly what I've gained when it feels like the bases were loaded and I struck out.


It's difficult to remember, to even think that the fact he already had a girlfriend by the time I asked him out, has nothing to do with me.  It isn't MY bad timing.  It simply isn't meant to be... now.  Maybe in the future, and maybe not.  


Like Dumbass, by the time he is apparently single, I don't want him.  He was a distraction.  And he distracted.  And that ship sailed a long time ago.  


A friend said, when I said I felt foolish - I knew that 1st base wasn't necessarily ready for the relationship that he so desperately wants (and by that I don't even think he is desperate in the desperate sense.... in the sense that he truly wants a relationship that is healthy, growing, giving and loving); I  haven't figured out how to approach 2nd base, and 3rd base - well - he has the girlfriend.  


My friend replied..."Not foolish.  Adventurous.   Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained!"


Well, what did I gain?  I'm not really certain.


My friend replied to that with "You have gained experience* and more knowledge of what you do want and that taking a leap isn't all bad."


Yes, I have gained experience.  I have asked how many men out, this year?? 4.  4 more than I have ever.  Which in turns gains confidence.  I've thought of ways to ask a man out.  Gains creativity.  I've gained experience in being around my "heart throb" without just bawling or doing REALLY dumb stuff (I've done some, though...Don't think I've been perfect on that note).  I've talked to more men than I have ever normally done.  I've gone where the boys are. I've been working out where there are BOYS and boys that actually talk to girls.  BIG step.  


Okay, so maybe this is looking better.  Maybe I have gained good stuff rather than just hurt feelings.  


I'm guessing that 3rd base was flattered that I asked him out.  


that's right girls, I know what I like and I know what I want.  I will go after what I want.  By GOD, this is my life.  And I am determined to make it a good one.  And I really don't care if I've blogged about this before....


the thing I realized this morning is that when there is pain in your life, IT DOES MEAN that something needs to change.  And we are the only ones that can change our life.  Us, and God.  And well, stupid people doing stupid things.  Though we control our feelings, not someone else.  


So if I've blogged about this before, clearly I need to learn from it.  Or accept that not all things go as we plan, as we hope.  That doesn't mean defeat.  


A few days after I started this particular blog, I did have some self-satisfaction that I HAD, at least, asked 3rd base out.  

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained.  Maybe next time I swing, I'll actually bring a runner in.

Revenge

Frankly, after spending a whole evening at a concert in which I spent more money than it was worth - 
my friend wanting to make an ex- sex buddy jealous, and so we cruised looking for guys?
My own thoughts of making another man "want" me, making him wish he didn't have his live-in girlfriend, 
I faced the thoughts of "revenge" this morning.
And what a real waste of time.
Truly.


We make ourselves miserable wanting some other person to wish that they were with US, instead of enjoying ourselves, enjoying the people around us.  Enjoying the event we apparently came to see.


And for what?


Whether THEY care or not, we most likely will never know.
Revenge? eh, sometimes you get it and sometimes the best "revenge" is simply to stop caring that you - well - ever even kissed the guy.
Sometimes you get it in a form of him making himself available to you at a dance, only to realize that you don't care that he is there.


Like love, "revenge" doesn't always come when WE want it.  Or in the form that we want it.


Truly, think about it.  If I have experienced many times when seeing an ex - 
an ex-husband,
an ex-boyfriend, 
an ex-lover,
an ex-crush....
and they do nothing for me,
in fact I may laugh at whatever tactic they do pull,
don't they, in fact, have times they feel that way about me?
And even if they don't, who cares?? 


I rarely quote the Bible; I certainly haven't in my blog.
Though this morning, I thought God's statement of "revenge is mine," and thus telling us, His people to not focus on revenge, isn't just about someone doing us "wrong."  It's also about times when life doesn't go the way we want it to.


Editor's Note:  Easier said than done.

Side Dish

A couple of my friends went to the neighboring town this weekend, as a favorite (very favorite) band was playing.

George, a fella my friend dated ever so briefly, showed up.  She had seen him about a month ago, she was friendly and he was rude. This weekend, she wasn't friendly (why should she be, he was an ass the last time she saw him) and he, he was "peacock-ing" around.  Kept making an appearance near their table, had a friend keep tabs on her.  Stood so close to her chair that he might as well have stood on it. 


I responded that George - or now known as Peacock - has a huge ego.  And that he, like many other young men, hadn't realized that they really are the "side dish."


A man mentioned to my friend and  I last weekend, that it really is ALL about the woman.  Make her happy and she will come back.  And he won't have to do ALL that much work.  


I get, it isn't all about "us" women.  There are times that we have to talk about whatever it is that the man wants to talk about.  And we, as women, are okay with that.  A successful Main Dish has learned to talk the talk of a man.  And make their stories more interesting.  And we are usually okay with that.  However, do not treat us like we are the Side Dish.  We are not. 


Certainly, we women, are interested in what you do, what you like to do and we want to know some of that up front.  That said, we don't care to discuss you and your stuff, all night.  Especially NOT the first few nights that we are with you.  You will get your moments, or moment here and there as the case may be, though you need to know that it is about us.


We need you to acknowledge that we are attractive.  Now whether that be, we are pretty, we are smart, we are funny, we are successful in what we do, we like our children, we make great coffee - we need to know that you find that in us, and that you want to know more about how we tick to accomplish "said 'attractiveness.'"  And yes, it is YOUR job, as the man, as the side dish to figure that out.  It's also your job as the side dish, to let us know what you can do for us.  What is in "this relationship" for us, NOT....SO NOT, what is in this relationship for you.  You start focusing on what's in this for you and only you, and you will find yourself on the table, alone.  


Trust me, you make the woman the main dish   - - you make her feel like a million bucks, let her dish shine and be pretty, and you can have the world.  You will be well fed, you will look good, you will appear to be the best looking side dish around.  Everyone will want to be around you. As long as you remember... a Good Woman is the Main Dish.  You, my friend, are simply the Side Dish.