I've been friends with a man. And his wife. For about a year.
In December, this man told me that he was in love with me.
At that time, he wanted me to consider running off with him.
Even though his wife would get the house.
And he was talking to Social Security about retirement.
I told him that while I was flattered, I was not in love with him.
That I would "try" not to hurt him -
And somehow was able to convey to him that I wasn't going to fall in love with him,
Nor was I going to run away with him.
For the next month, I basically avoided him.
It wasn't all that hard, as it was Christmas time and things were going on.
I wanted to talk to him, and reiterate that I just wanted to be friends.
That I liked both him AND his wife, and
had NO intention whatsoever to break them up,
be part of their break up,
and should they break up,
I would not be there to pick up any pieces.
I was their - both his and her - friend.
Nothing more.
Life worked its way, and in time, without completely losing touch with them,
he and I met for coffee.
He told me he had had a rough patch there, had told his wife everything,
she had basically "counselled" him....
I told him, "good, because as much as I loved him,"
I was not in love with him,
and was never going to run away with him.
That I could not hurt his wife, like that.
And deep down, I didn't think he wanted to hurt her.
Four months later, I get this message.
Please meet with me.
I have something I need to share with you.
Knowing partially what this about, I went.
Slightly irritated,
though not certain why.
Turns out, he is in love with both me and his wife.
He doesn't want to hurt his wife,
though stating, she'd get the house.
He doesn't know why this is?
He has been praying about it.
Trying different churches,
Trying to seek solace in God,
Trying to find an answer.
WHY is this happening?
He said that his wife asked him that morning if he was going to leave her. He said, "no." (thank goodness)
He did confide in her his feelings.
He told me that she had shared times that he had done certain things that made her jealous and angry.
Though her feelings were not at me.
That she liked me.
That she knew I was not out to "take her husband." (oh, thank goodness.... Because honestly, if he left her for me, I'd be siding with her)
He wants me to set the boundaries.
Basically he cannot.
He said that if he couldn't get a handle on it, he would go to counseling...and
Should he go to counseling, he wants ME to be there with him.*
He also wants to be MY best friend.
He saw a post of mine, in which I arranged to have lunch,
with another man.
He was immensely jealous.
Did I know it made him jealous?
Um, no.
He tells me, we can have lunch together.
Well, we can, though not at this juncture.
I can't very well be your friend, if you are in love with me and married to someone else.
There needs to be that separation.
And no, you can't be MY best friend. It isn't how it works.
You are to be your wife's best friend. FIRST.
We part, on "good" standings.
He doesn't want me to drop him.
What else am I to do?
His feelings aren't wrong, it's what he does with them.
And I can't be around him in the same manner as we have been, because that will just create more intense feelings - and feelings that I am not encouraging.
Nor do I return.
I truly feel like he is my TWIN. I bounce off of him like a sibling. Nothing more.
I do love him though it is not romantic.
And he said that. He said, "You have made it perfectly clear that you do not return my feelings nor are you going to run away with me." Good.
* Later when I'm talking to a friend about this...she said, "IF he goes to counseling, most likely the counselor will want to see him, perhaps his wife - and it will be UP to the counselor as to whether you are there or not. Though probably not." THANK GOODNESS. Why should I have to be there? I'm really not a part of this. I've done NOTHING but be a friend to them.
My friend with whom I confide in, asked me questions about this man. He is older. Mid-60s. In the past year, he was "forced" into early retirement. Basically the company he was working for fired him. While he hated the position, or came to hate the position, he had been so busy and was employed that he couldn't keep up. Now he has too much time on his hands and, is, lonely.
My friend said, as men age, and their sexual capabilities diminish, they sometimes seek outside stimulation. Nothing unnatural about it. We as people, notice others of the opposite sex (or others in addition to our spouse/partner) and will continue to do so as long as we are alive. My friend also said that most marriage survive it, as the men don't usually develop crushes on this "targeted" person.
Also, most men don't have as much time on their hands to then focus on ....well fantasies.
I feel relieved that he probably isn't truly "in love" with me, even though he feels that he is. I can fully understand this and it helped me greatly. She also suggested that I become "social" friends with them, rather than maintain the close friendship that I have had.
However, it kind of makes me mad. Because now, another friend - contact - resource - has been removed, if only temporarily - though I don't know for how long, from my life. This takes MY FRIEND away from me.
I realize that it isn't anything that I've done wrong, nor is it something that he has done wrong, though he does need to figure it out - mostly for the sake of himself and his wife, and their marriage. I will go on....
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