A Decent Pair of Shoes

I've embarked on this conversation with my girlfriend, twice now, in the past 6 months - of finding out that a guy has a girlfriend and yet, not able to let go.  Why is that?  Always before, once I found out he was (usually) married, or devoted (to some degree) to another, I let that door shut.  I didn't hope to run into him - actually I hoped NOT to run into him.  

My girlfriend replied, "Well, maybe part of it is now, is you are really kind of wanting someone, and when you find someone you felt was worthy, it's harder to let go because really, how many 'decent' options are in this town?"

I really think that is it.  I have been here for 8 years, and have come across three men in the past year, that I would deem worthy.  I asked the 1st guy out, and he said, "No thank you."  While he was very nice about it, did it in a way that didn't slam the door (i.e. see him out and there is no embarrassment or rudeness), I knew I wasn't going to put myself out there again.  If he wanted to, or wants to, he can ask ME out.  

The second and third guy arrived into my life about the same time.  The jury is still out on the 2nd guy.

The third.... as my friend said, you have to put it in perspective.

He's not available (he has a girlfriend) and therefore he is not a decent option.

(Unless you don't mind stealing men from other women)

*While I certainly wouldn't want someone to specifically go after a guy I was seeing, if he wandered, I would have to accept that he wasn't meant for me.  And perhaps the fact that I didn't get that chance,  to even date my 3rd crush is well - God's way of both saying "he's not meant for you and I am protecting you from that hurt."

Since he isn't available, he isn't a decent option.

Which goes back to A Decent Pair of Shoes.

 If the shoes don't fit,

 if the shoes hurt my feet,

 if the shoes cost too much money - 

as MUCH as I may want them -

as good as they may look on the shelf, or in the window,

they simply are not a decent option.

Just Like A Shoe

Yesterday afternoon, as I sat outside the place I exercise, and my crush ran by -

well, I felt slightly, odd.  

Out of place.

He has a girlfriend.

I have other interests.

And other interests that aren't having to be forced.

Later,

in my kitchen,

I thought of sitting in my car.

Watching my crush.

And I thought,

definitely

time

to

move on.

Takes me back to college days,

a fella asked me to dance.

My crush on him 

ignited.

I cruised,

hoping to run into him.

A glance,

a glimpse,

for a semester.

Only to find,

he was devoted to another.

If there isn't anything that I can,

blame,

find negative

about my crush

to get over him...

to move on...

I can

at least

remember

that feeling

of disgust.

At myself.

For not thinking that I have

more to do,

more to offer,

at least to myself,

than...

following.

Dare I say, stalking?

Hell!

How boring is that?

for me to sit, in a HOT car,

with a HOT dog.

Blah.

That should shake me loose.

And stop forcing something,

that hurts.

It's time to move on.

To walk away.

To put on the shoes that do fit,

if it's only my running shoes,

and escape.

Find myself.

My Interests.

And be fun.

And ALIVE.

And,

simply,

just,

be.

Trust....well....in God

I don't want to appear religious, though I do believe I have a strong faith.
I do believe that God is with me, always, even if He doesn't appear as I want him, or even when I want him to....or more so, exactly HOW I want Him to. 


A friend of mine recently recommended a book called "Plan B."  The book, from my understanding, talks about "what if God doesn't appear as you expect Him to, is He still around?"  And the answer (in the book) is yes.  And that God doesn't owe you anything - He gave us life.   Just because things aren't coming together as you want, you plan and pray about, that doesn't mean that God has left you.


Anyways, again this morning I found myself thinking of the 3 men that I've crushed on since... April? May?  And how, in a sense, two of them, kind of fell by the way side.  One of them, because I simply only had one-avenue of contact and that has ended.  The second, because he has a girlfriend (for one thing).  The third, I've maintained contact with - and do rather like him.


Is God's hand not in this?  Is He not partially responsible for how, for where I've met these men? and thus, for how life has played out??    And if I put my faith in God, put my Trust in God, then wouldn't it seem that if two men have fallen by the way-side, if only temporarily - though that remains to be seen, that I ought to Trust that??  Trust that God does know me, does know my needs, wants, desires, and what is best for me, and is providing?  


I certainly do have a fear in this relationship that is being developed, as the third man, is recently divorced.  And yet, it doesn't "feel" like the many other men I have met at this stage in their life.  Where I literally wanted to hurl at the thought of them holding my hand, again.  As though their very life depended on whether I was within running their hand through my hair or not.  His being doesn't feel desperate.


So shall I not, or Shall I, Trust....well... in God?  That He knows my needs, my wants, my desires and that He is there.  He is here.  He is working, in my life.

Humiliation

My friend who found herself in the Elevator Closet asked, prior to telling me what happened with Boy Toy, "can you top this?"


Honestly, I don't know.
I just know that I've had plenty of humiliating moments.


And every time I take a chance, I literally feel like I've never been in that place before.


As I blogged the other day about having asked 4 men out this year, 4 more men than I've ever asked out, I have asked men out before.


It isn't like this is something all that new to me.


However, if you want humiliation - read this.


When I was in college, I played in the band.
There was a REALLY cute drummer, and I thought he knew who I was.
At least.


So I sent him....Oh Dear God... a card...on,
you guessed it,
Valentine's Day.


Asking him out.


I was only slightly less shy as I was in high school.


And, I bet you guessed again,
He had NO idea who I was.


None.


He came into class the next day,
asking the Director who I was.


He never responded.
That was enough humiliation.


I did my best to avoid him for the rest of the year.
Only 5 days a week, every week for the next 3 months.


It would be the following year,
that we would accidentally come across one another.
Certainly, we were in band together, but Valentine's Day was so - so - long- ago.
By that time, for being 20, he handled it very well.


We never dated.
We never talked about my ... card.


I think of him, every now and then.
Sometimes with embarrassment.
Sometimes with just thankfulness.
Thankful that he handled it so kindly.

Going After What You Want - May Lead You to the Elevator Closet

My girlfriend recently had - what she felt to be - a humiliating moment in her love life.
She had fallen for her play thing.
It happens.


She had asked him,
weeks ago,
is this going anywhere?


He said, 
We'll talk Tuesday.
First Clue.


He was her first toy.
How was she to know,
it was the First clue?


In all honesty,
you don't know.
You never really know.


One night,
Two weeks,
More than Three Drinks later.....


He leaves without saying Good-bye.
Where did he go?
So she texts.


He's at home.
He's heading to bed.
Don't come over.


Damn it!
I need an answer.
I asked "is this going anywhere?"


Upon arriving,
it's dark.
Perhaps this is the Second Clue?


She's more than tipsy,
She's angry,
And she's going to get her answer.


Yet,
it doesn't look like
it normally does.


Usually there is a light,
a door open,
not, tonight.


So she takes the first door.
OOPSY.
The door shuts.


She hears a noise -
is it the neighbor?
Oh God.


She doesn't make a sound,
doesn't want to be found,
thinking "I really don't do this......


........... kind of thing."


A text is sent,
she gets his attention,
he comes out,


and finds her.
in......the......
Elevator Closet.


"What are you doing? Why are you here?"
he asks, 
"I told you not to come."


"Yes, but I want my answer."
To what? He asks.
"Is this going anywhere?"


In the Elevator Closet?
Probably the 3rd or 4th clue?
He responds, "you said you had another interest."


She replies, "I said,
I wouldn't pursue him,
If this is going somewhere."


You're in the Elevator Closet - Where can it go?


She's furious.
She's tells him she misses him.
He's in shock.


There they are,
in the Elevator Closet.
No one's ever been so honest
to say,
they've missed him.


"Well," he starts,
"You said you had another interest and I,
am seeing a porn star."


"For how long?  
I don't do this kind of thing!
And I miss you."


He replies,
"for a couple weeks."
GASP!


"Couldn't you have told me?
Couldn't you have been honest with me?," 
she asked.


"You said you had another interest and
I did tell you,"
he replied.


"When you said you were seeing a porn star,
I thought you were joking."
She answered, as she stands in 


the elevator closet.


She leaves,
with her answer,
finally gotten,


in the elevator closet.

Bases Loaded?

It's really difficult to remember exactly what I've gained when it feels like the bases were loaded and I struck out.


It's difficult to remember, to even think that the fact he already had a girlfriend by the time I asked him out, has nothing to do with me.  It isn't MY bad timing.  It simply isn't meant to be... now.  Maybe in the future, and maybe not.  


Like Dumbass, by the time he is apparently single, I don't want him.  He was a distraction.  And he distracted.  And that ship sailed a long time ago.  


A friend said, when I said I felt foolish - I knew that 1st base wasn't necessarily ready for the relationship that he so desperately wants (and by that I don't even think he is desperate in the desperate sense.... in the sense that he truly wants a relationship that is healthy, growing, giving and loving); I  haven't figured out how to approach 2nd base, and 3rd base - well - he has the girlfriend.  


My friend replied..."Not foolish.  Adventurous.   Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained!"


Well, what did I gain?  I'm not really certain.


My friend replied to that with "You have gained experience* and more knowledge of what you do want and that taking a leap isn't all bad."


Yes, I have gained experience.  I have asked how many men out, this year?? 4.  4 more than I have ever.  Which in turns gains confidence.  I've thought of ways to ask a man out.  Gains creativity.  I've gained experience in being around my "heart throb" without just bawling or doing REALLY dumb stuff (I've done some, though...Don't think I've been perfect on that note).  I've talked to more men than I have ever normally done.  I've gone where the boys are. I've been working out where there are BOYS and boys that actually talk to girls.  BIG step.  


Okay, so maybe this is looking better.  Maybe I have gained good stuff rather than just hurt feelings.  


I'm guessing that 3rd base was flattered that I asked him out.  


that's right girls, I know what I like and I know what I want.  I will go after what I want.  By GOD, this is my life.  And I am determined to make it a good one.  And I really don't care if I've blogged about this before....


the thing I realized this morning is that when there is pain in your life, IT DOES MEAN that something needs to change.  And we are the only ones that can change our life.  Us, and God.  And well, stupid people doing stupid things.  Though we control our feelings, not someone else.  


So if I've blogged about this before, clearly I need to learn from it.  Or accept that not all things go as we plan, as we hope.  That doesn't mean defeat.  


A few days after I started this particular blog, I did have some self-satisfaction that I HAD, at least, asked 3rd base out.  

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained.  Maybe next time I swing, I'll actually bring a runner in.

Revenge

Frankly, after spending a whole evening at a concert in which I spent more money than it was worth - 
my friend wanting to make an ex- sex buddy jealous, and so we cruised looking for guys?
My own thoughts of making another man "want" me, making him wish he didn't have his live-in girlfriend, 
I faced the thoughts of "revenge" this morning.
And what a real waste of time.
Truly.


We make ourselves miserable wanting some other person to wish that they were with US, instead of enjoying ourselves, enjoying the people around us.  Enjoying the event we apparently came to see.


And for what?


Whether THEY care or not, we most likely will never know.
Revenge? eh, sometimes you get it and sometimes the best "revenge" is simply to stop caring that you - well - ever even kissed the guy.
Sometimes you get it in a form of him making himself available to you at a dance, only to realize that you don't care that he is there.


Like love, "revenge" doesn't always come when WE want it.  Or in the form that we want it.


Truly, think about it.  If I have experienced many times when seeing an ex - 
an ex-husband,
an ex-boyfriend, 
an ex-lover,
an ex-crush....
and they do nothing for me,
in fact I may laugh at whatever tactic they do pull,
don't they, in fact, have times they feel that way about me?
And even if they don't, who cares?? 


I rarely quote the Bible; I certainly haven't in my blog.
Though this morning, I thought God's statement of "revenge is mine," and thus telling us, His people to not focus on revenge, isn't just about someone doing us "wrong."  It's also about times when life doesn't go the way we want it to.


Editor's Note:  Easier said than done.

Side Dish

A couple of my friends went to the neighboring town this weekend, as a favorite (very favorite) band was playing.

George, a fella my friend dated ever so briefly, showed up.  She had seen him about a month ago, she was friendly and he was rude. This weekend, she wasn't friendly (why should she be, he was an ass the last time she saw him) and he, he was "peacock-ing" around.  Kept making an appearance near their table, had a friend keep tabs on her.  Stood so close to her chair that he might as well have stood on it. 


I responded that George - or now known as Peacock - has a huge ego.  And that he, like many other young men, hadn't realized that they really are the "side dish."


A man mentioned to my friend and  I last weekend, that it really is ALL about the woman.  Make her happy and she will come back.  And he won't have to do ALL that much work.  


I get, it isn't all about "us" women.  There are times that we have to talk about whatever it is that the man wants to talk about.  And we, as women, are okay with that.  A successful Main Dish has learned to talk the talk of a man.  And make their stories more interesting.  And we are usually okay with that.  However, do not treat us like we are the Side Dish.  We are not. 


Certainly, we women, are interested in what you do, what you like to do and we want to know some of that up front.  That said, we don't care to discuss you and your stuff, all night.  Especially NOT the first few nights that we are with you.  You will get your moments, or moment here and there as the case may be, though you need to know that it is about us.


We need you to acknowledge that we are attractive.  Now whether that be, we are pretty, we are smart, we are funny, we are successful in what we do, we like our children, we make great coffee - we need to know that you find that in us, and that you want to know more about how we tick to accomplish "said 'attractiveness.'"  And yes, it is YOUR job, as the man, as the side dish to figure that out.  It's also your job as the side dish, to let us know what you can do for us.  What is in "this relationship" for us, NOT....SO NOT, what is in this relationship for you.  You start focusing on what's in this for you and only you, and you will find yourself on the table, alone.  


Trust me, you make the woman the main dish   - - you make her feel like a million bucks, let her dish shine and be pretty, and you can have the world.  You will be well fed, you will look good, you will appear to be the best looking side dish around.  Everyone will want to be around you. As long as you remember... a Good Woman is the Main Dish.  You, my friend, are simply the Side Dish.

Mixing Jello

My date went well; I had a very nice time.  I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed him.  And I look forward to our next adventure together - which will be in 2 weeks.


That said, my anxiety was that I wouldn't be attracted to him.  I've learned that you can talk to someone for ever, you can email and get to know them, however being WITH someone, in their presence is a whole different game. 


My other anxiety was that I'd have to give up my other Jello.


Well, I am attracted to him.
And I don't have to give up my other Jello, as I'm still a free agent.
I'm not attached to anyone.
And ANYTHING can still happen.


He can decide that he isn't ready for a relationship, even though he thinks he is.
He can decide that he isn't attracted to me.
He can decide that he wants to get back with his wife.  Or that he found someone else.
Anything is still possible.

MIXED Jello Feelings

A month ago, I had 3 fellas that I was kind of crushing on.


3 fellas that were maybe possibilities.


As life would have it, 1 fell away in the sense that my main weekly connection to him, ended.  I haven't seen him in person since. 


Another fella, I've gotten rather close to. I'm impressed by him in that he shows compassion for me in my situations, where I have really experienced that with - well I didn't experience that necessarily in my marriage.  We've talked about a lot of things, have laughed a lot... And tomorrow I will see him.  For the first time in over 20 years.  And for the first time as a date.  ACK! I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm mixed.


Because then the 3rd fella - who I slipped a note to, and then never heard...I heard early last week, and it was confirmed for me on Friday night, that he had a girlfriend. One friend said, "If he didn't bite over the beer, then he probably already had the girlfriend."  Another friend said, " yes, he probably thought ' Damn I would have a girlfriend right now.  F---."  


Except that he had come and worked out one day at the same time, and then a week later, he hung around the gym after the work out and didn't leave until just a little after I left (yes, I saw this and I noticed) - 


I had wondered about him, though I hadn't really worried about it. It didn't bother me until it was confirmed that he had a girlfriend.  Until I saw him, dressed in black, looking very handsome.


Even though I really enjoy the fella that I talk to, regularly. I do.  He's smart, he's funny.  My only real "but," is that he is just out of a marriage.  I acknowledge many things about it - in that in a sense, it wasn't a marriage for a long time.  Still....and of course... tomorrow, I'll see him.  And I'm nervous.  Nervous for all sorts of things.  A lot of anticipation.


Ah....then again, I have remainder "crush feelings" for Pinedale....a Jello Pudding box I never got to open.