And so out of no where....out of the blue, an older married-man friend of mine tells me that he realized a few months ago, that his feelings for me, are more than "just friends."
Oh....okay. I did not see THAT coming.
He doesn't want to hurt his wife. (later, and still...since... every time I hear these words in my mind, I'm thinking "what the hell?" )
BLINK....BLINKBLINKBLINK. BLINK.
Even if I had feelings for him, feelings that extended past "mere friendship," which I do not, he IS married. And I value that.
BLINK....BLINKITY BLINK BLINK.... BLINK.
He asked that I keep an open mind.
I am wondering, about what? About a relationship between us?
Knowing him, the little, really that I do, I'm thinking he means to keep an open mind at the possibility of this becoming a reality. That a loving, intimate relationship could really come between us.
I know that I responded that I was flattered that he found me attractive, that I would try not to hurt him (and thus, won't be discussing my male desires for others, to him; nor will I, at the moment, discuss my plans of moving - without him), and that really, his relationship with his wife - HIS MARRIAGE was very important to me.
I need to tell him though, that really, there is nothing that is going to happen between us. ASIDE from the fact that HE IS MARRIED, I do not have any romantic ~ or even a crush ~ feelings for him. I like him, I enjoy him, and that is it.
And really, now I do want to limit my time with him because I cannot return his feelings. Not now, and not even if he is ...all of a sudden...single.
I'm sorry, I am not interested.
BLINK.
Looking for my Dance Partner....
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tag Team Dating
Last weekend, while out dancing, I came across an older gentleman.
He is nice looking, appears to be stable and worthy of a nice lady.
I don't know that I'm that lady, mainly because of the age. There is probably a 30 year difference.
Though I must admit, not too long ago, I was considering dating someone who is similiar in the age range as this man. However I know this man a bit better and enjoy his company.
It does depend on enjoying the person's personality. Not that I've just realized this.
Anyways, a girlfriend of mine told me recently (and I thought "she's my MOM's Daughter") that unless their give her the "weird" vibe, she goes out with whoever asks her.
And then a nice fella asked her, and she admitted to me...she hedged around it as she believes she is recovering from a bad break. Though she did go out with the guy.
I told her, this guy would be more perfect for my mom. Similiar in age, my mom likes to dance, she's funny and holds a good conversation.
My friend responded, that is a reason to go out with a guy, because he may be perfect for someone you know (if not for you)!
He is nice looking, appears to be stable and worthy of a nice lady.
I don't know that I'm that lady, mainly because of the age. There is probably a 30 year difference.
Though I must admit, not too long ago, I was considering dating someone who is similiar in the age range as this man. However I know this man a bit better and enjoy his company.
It does depend on enjoying the person's personality. Not that I've just realized this.
Anyways, a girlfriend of mine told me recently (and I thought "she's my MOM's Daughter") that unless their give her the "weird" vibe, she goes out with whoever asks her.
And then a nice fella asked her, and she admitted to me...she hedged around it as she believes she is recovering from a bad break. Though she did go out with the guy.
I told her, this guy would be more perfect for my mom. Similiar in age, my mom likes to dance, she's funny and holds a good conversation.
My friend responded, that is a reason to go out with a guy, because he may be perfect for someone you know (if not for you)!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
SCREW IT!
And HOW THE HELL .... I've done it all. I've given it every fucking flipping shot I know...
Gone to church; he isn't at my church. There is no single, good looking man with a personality of AGE there, that can afford a decent meal.
Been a Big Sister in Big Brothers Big Sisters.
Have volunteered.
Have danced at the Legion until it closed.
Have bought a cowboy.
Have tried online dating.
Have not been interested.
Have met a guy in person, had him kind of on the hook and then he swam off without so much of a glance back.
Have asked a guy out.
I have worked in a social situation.
I have asked friends...
I GIVE UP. I don't know how to do this.
Gone to church; he isn't at my church. There is no single, good looking man with a personality of AGE there, that can afford a decent meal.
Been a Big Sister in Big Brothers Big Sisters.
Have volunteered.
Have danced at the Legion until it closed.
Have bought a cowboy.
Have tried online dating.
Have not been interested.
Have met a guy in person, had him kind of on the hook and then he swam off without so much of a glance back.
Have asked a guy out.
I have worked in a social situation.
I have asked friends...
I GIVE UP. I don't know how to do this.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
24 and 42
There's a difference on many levels, different ways between 24 and 42.
At 24, if you met a fella that's been married for 15 years (even), and has only been divorced for 2 years...ya, I'd advise that you watch out. Give him MORE time. Especially if there are children involved.
However, if you are 42, and you meet the same fella.... different game. You aren't likely to stay home watching "his kids" while he goes out with the guys. You aren't likely to be at his beck and call.
So enjoy. Live. Why not? you basically have, nothing, to lose.
At 24, if you met a fella that's been married for 15 years (even), and has only been divorced for 2 years...ya, I'd advise that you watch out. Give him MORE time. Especially if there are children involved.
However, if you are 42, and you meet the same fella.... different game. You aren't likely to stay home watching "his kids" while he goes out with the guys. You aren't likely to be at his beck and call.
So enjoy. Live. Why not? you basically have, nothing, to lose.
The Boy
So I asked the boy out; he turned me down. Though I wouldn't say he said, "NO," as in never. I'm taking it as "no, not this time."
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sadie Hawkins
There IS a purpose for Sadie Hawkins afterall.
Hated it in High School.
Only went once, and that's because I was "dating" the guy I went to Home Coming with that very year.
It is so that when you are an adult and feel the need to take matters into your own hands, you know that it is allowed on some level.
Men probably practice on women, boys on girls, that they aren't THAT interested in - who maybe they think "no way" will she say yes.... whereas I, have, at least, practiced what I was going to say, to my female friends. Of course that isn't necessarily a TRUE thing, because they are, afterall, women.
There is no fail-proof way.
Just got to put on your big girl panties and go for it.
Or ring the doorbell at the Fire Hall at 7:30pm on Halloween night when it is raining out.
Hated it in High School.
Only went once, and that's because I was "dating" the guy I went to Home Coming with that very year.
It is so that when you are an adult and feel the need to take matters into your own hands, you know that it is allowed on some level.
Men probably practice on women, boys on girls, that they aren't THAT interested in - who maybe they think "no way" will she say yes.... whereas I, have, at least, practiced what I was going to say, to my female friends. Of course that isn't necessarily a TRUE thing, because they are, afterall, women.
There is no fail-proof way.
Just got to put on your big girl panties and go for it.
Or ring the doorbell at the Fire Hall at 7:30pm on Halloween night when it is raining out.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Play and Discard
I am wondering what Play and Discard would do if I walked up to him and kissed him. After which, of course, commenting that I wondered if he kissed as good as he looked?
I know he's arrogant, my friend confided that to me, as well.
He's a player.
It'd be the time that I stumbled in my heels, I'm sure. :)
Still.
Have that confidence.
Find out.
Because how many times have I actually been - well - surprised and horrified at the same time. Surprised that they maybe did or didn't kiss all that well, and that their Johnson was either TOO DAMN BIG (yes you read that correctly) or didn't seem to really want to work without A LOT of encouragement from them?
Nothing like texting your girlfriend, who doesn't text, was probably OUT OF RANGE when you texted anyways..."HELP!! How do I handle a Johnson that I can barely ...well..fit in my mouth?" And of course, I was slightly out of range too - in the Crazies out by Big Timber, MT.
Or the other guy that wanted me to mouth his Johnson and it laid their limp. And it hadn't been fully used. Something about that was just not a turn on. Need a response here! Warning Warning! The sirens went off in my head, but not like "stars," not like "I can't wait." More like... WARNING!! Bad ju ju.
So maybe a kiss will decide whether I want to spend any more time on my ga ga play thing?
I know he's arrogant, my friend confided that to me, as well.
He's a player.
It'd be the time that I stumbled in my heels, I'm sure. :)
Still.
Have that confidence.
Find out.
Because how many times have I actually been - well - surprised and horrified at the same time. Surprised that they maybe did or didn't kiss all that well, and that their Johnson was either TOO DAMN BIG (yes you read that correctly) or didn't seem to really want to work without A LOT of encouragement from them?
Nothing like texting your girlfriend, who doesn't text, was probably OUT OF RANGE when you texted anyways..."HELP!! How do I handle a Johnson that I can barely ...well..fit in my mouth?" And of course, I was slightly out of range too - in the Crazies out by Big Timber, MT.
Or the other guy that wanted me to mouth his Johnson and it laid their limp. And it hadn't been fully used. Something about that was just not a turn on. Need a response here! Warning Warning! The sirens went off in my head, but not like "stars," not like "I can't wait." More like... WARNING!! Bad ju ju.
So maybe a kiss will decide whether I want to spend any more time on my ga ga play thing?
Play And Discard
Well there's a few men on the horizon, though one... unfortunately, is a Play and Discard. Of course he is, I told my friend. If he wasn't, he would be OFF the market. Though old dogs can learn new tricks, a fella can change, or find someone that delights their socks off, and they want to change for them.
I believe that to be true, though I don't hold my breath that its COMMON.
So I'm a little gaga over a fella that is clearly in the "Play and Discard" game. And can I hack it? Probably. Unlike most games, even knowing the rules to Play and Discard prior to going in, doesn't necessarily help. He at least gives me another reason to keep my running shoes on regularly and used. Got to look great in case I "run" into him.
I believe that to be true, though I don't hold my breath that its COMMON.
So I'm a little gaga over a fella that is clearly in the "Play and Discard" game. And can I hack it? Probably. Unlike most games, even knowing the rules to Play and Discard prior to going in, doesn't necessarily help. He at least gives me another reason to keep my running shoes on regularly and used. Got to look great in case I "run" into him.
Monday, August 29, 2011
FRUSTRATION BLOG
FRICK, FRACK FACK, FRUCK, RUCK, FICK...you get the idea.
Just gonna say it. FUCK.
I am ... frustrated and not in a good way. Well maybe there isn't a good way to be frustrated, but I can tell you, I am not in a good way.
I made a decision a few weeks ago - well the decision was made in May 2011...then again the 1st week of August, about 3 times that week - then verbalized to more than a handful of people about 2 weeks ago....
I am planning on moving to Cheyenne, before the snow flies. Which really means that I don't have a lot of time, though nothing says I have to move by THEN. Just my goal.
Once I made the decision, though, I did feel a lot better. Once I verbalized it and got lots of feedback and support.
However, I have kept it secret from my boss (of course), and my landlords - not because I think they would rent it out from underneath me (though they might after October) but because they would be pressuring me in a way that I DO NOT NEED.
I sent out a resume (via email ) over the weekend and I got a call on it today. That was nice, that was great and it makes me ill.
I love this town for a lot of reasons. Aside from the weather, I've been here 7 years, the area for a total of 21. I know a lot of people and in a sense it is MY town. Its taken a good 4 years to figure out the ins and outs of Sheridan and where to go, who to see, etc.
Every year I seem to change friends to a certain degree. Thats been FRUSTRATING. Not because I don't have good friends now, because I think I do. However, in our own ways, we are all frustrated with the men available here. One hasn't been married, and would like to - and have children. The other 4 of us, have been married and certainly would like someone WORTHY to at least date. I haven't told any of them that I'm applying in Cheyenne....I suppose partly because in case it doesn't happen - in case I don't get a job. In case I am still here in the same sucky job in January (which I might add, I don't quite see happening).
Its frustrating to have a decent paying job, but really the work environment is awful because the boss is unstable with her moods (moody does not begin to describe her). I don't dislike her, I know her unstableness is about her - and the fact that she is just truly, thoroughly, insecure. And co-dependent.
And moving I leave my counselor of 18 years. Someone who has levelled me at times (not physcially, emotionally/mentally) when I couldn't do it myself. Who pointed out that the Cowboy's moods changed when he was drinking and that he said some not very nice things without even being provoked. It was also my counselor that pointed out my boss' co-dependency.
And my decent paying job has no benefits.
My family is in Cheyenne, not all of them, I realize. Though 2 of the BEST TWERPS ever to live are there, and they bring me such joy. And I enjoy being around my family. I don't have to live in the same town, though it would be really nice to see them on a regular basis. Or at least give it a try.
Though again, I leave a group of women that I knit with - that I have knitted with for 20 years.
And that pisses me off. That angers me. That frustrates me. Yes, I know there are other knitters, other knitting stores, other groups and I'll find them... but part of me doesn't want to.
And again, no sooner do I say "I'm planning (DEEP DEEP BREATH) to move to Cheyenne," and a cute, kind of goofy (in demeanor) fella contacts me on Match. And I think "he could be the one." Though when I talk to him, part of me thinks he teasing... part of me knows he is not. He doesn't want to scare me off, yet he can't just let it go...he asks, "do you think there is any sexual tension between us?" Honestly -
I DON'T KNOW.
I'm tired of seeking love - a relationship - someone to do things with - and FROG FROG FROG ASSHOLE FROG ASSFROG.
I am TIRED.
I AM FRUSTRATED.
And then I have to move this house. Yikes. I have NO idea how to do that. Do I know what to give up? Probably if I just do it.
And I really think I may grab a couple garbage sacks (the big leaf kind) and throw stuff in there.....maybe one will be clothes (like Salvation Army/ garage sale) and in there I can put other crap that I've been given that I really don't want but someone might buy for 25 cents and soon I'll have paid for my u-haul (okay that's unreasonable, but you never know).
I guess the bottom line is that in the search for "happiness" with another, the search in finding someone to share one's life with is NOT for the faint at heart, its not ...as in NOT easy.... and sometimes, its just time to shut down, shut the phone off, shut the door and say "talk to you later."
Because right now, I DO NOT have an answer.
I just know that I want to share my life with someone that matters. Someone that I matter to.
And that by moving, I may be walking into the light, however I feel great sadness at what I am leaving behind. And this aint easy, either.
FRICK FRACK FRUCK FLIP FLAP FLUB.
Just gonna say it. FUCK.
I am ... frustrated and not in a good way. Well maybe there isn't a good way to be frustrated, but I can tell you, I am not in a good way.
I made a decision a few weeks ago - well the decision was made in May 2011...then again the 1st week of August, about 3 times that week - then verbalized to more than a handful of people about 2 weeks ago....
I am planning on moving to Cheyenne, before the snow flies. Which really means that I don't have a lot of time, though nothing says I have to move by THEN. Just my goal.
Once I made the decision, though, I did feel a lot better. Once I verbalized it and got lots of feedback and support.
However, I have kept it secret from my boss (of course), and my landlords - not because I think they would rent it out from underneath me (though they might after October) but because they would be pressuring me in a way that I DO NOT NEED.
I sent out a resume (via email ) over the weekend and I got a call on it today. That was nice, that was great and it makes me ill.
I love this town for a lot of reasons. Aside from the weather, I've been here 7 years, the area for a total of 21. I know a lot of people and in a sense it is MY town. Its taken a good 4 years to figure out the ins and outs of Sheridan and where to go, who to see, etc.
Every year I seem to change friends to a certain degree. Thats been FRUSTRATING. Not because I don't have good friends now, because I think I do. However, in our own ways, we are all frustrated with the men available here. One hasn't been married, and would like to - and have children. The other 4 of us, have been married and certainly would like someone WORTHY to at least date. I haven't told any of them that I'm applying in Cheyenne....I suppose partly because in case it doesn't happen - in case I don't get a job. In case I am still here in the same sucky job in January (which I might add, I don't quite see happening).
Its frustrating to have a decent paying job, but really the work environment is awful because the boss is unstable with her moods (moody does not begin to describe her). I don't dislike her, I know her unstableness is about her - and the fact that she is just truly, thoroughly, insecure. And co-dependent.
And moving I leave my counselor of 18 years. Someone who has levelled me at times (not physcially, emotionally/mentally) when I couldn't do it myself. Who pointed out that the Cowboy's moods changed when he was drinking and that he said some not very nice things without even being provoked. It was also my counselor that pointed out my boss' co-dependency.
And my decent paying job has no benefits.
My family is in Cheyenne, not all of them, I realize. Though 2 of the BEST TWERPS ever to live are there, and they bring me such joy. And I enjoy being around my family. I don't have to live in the same town, though it would be really nice to see them on a regular basis. Or at least give it a try.
Though again, I leave a group of women that I knit with - that I have knitted with for 20 years.
And that pisses me off. That angers me. That frustrates me. Yes, I know there are other knitters, other knitting stores, other groups and I'll find them... but part of me doesn't want to.
And again, no sooner do I say "I'm planning (DEEP DEEP BREATH) to move to Cheyenne," and a cute, kind of goofy (in demeanor) fella contacts me on Match. And I think "he could be the one." Though when I talk to him, part of me thinks he teasing... part of me knows he is not. He doesn't want to scare me off, yet he can't just let it go...he asks, "do you think there is any sexual tension between us?" Honestly -
I DON'T KNOW.
I'm tired of seeking love - a relationship - someone to do things with - and FROG FROG FROG ASSHOLE FROG ASSFROG.
I am TIRED.
I AM FRUSTRATED.
And then I have to move this house. Yikes. I have NO idea how to do that. Do I know what to give up? Probably if I just do it.
And I really think I may grab a couple garbage sacks (the big leaf kind) and throw stuff in there.....maybe one will be clothes (like Salvation Army/ garage sale) and in there I can put other crap that I've been given that I really don't want but someone might buy for 25 cents and soon I'll have paid for my u-haul (okay that's unreasonable, but you never know).
I guess the bottom line is that in the search for "happiness" with another, the search in finding someone to share one's life with is NOT for the faint at heart, its not ...as in NOT easy.... and sometimes, its just time to shut down, shut the phone off, shut the door and say "talk to you later."
Because right now, I DO NOT have an answer.
I just know that I want to share my life with someone that matters. Someone that I matter to.
And that by moving, I may be walking into the light, however I feel great sadness at what I am leaving behind. And this aint easy, either.
FRICK FRACK FRUCK FLIP FLAP FLUB.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Expiration Date or Expectation Date
A friend just "completed" a week-long series of dates with a fella from out of town.
She said its helped her get over Charlie, a fella with bad intentions. Not necessarily towards her, or women in general, just not with good intentions for a life.
She is feeling better than she has in a long time. And that is great!
She also said, "I think I like expiration dating better. Just go out and have fun with no expectations."
I replied, "I think that's how dating is suppose to be. You go out and have fun. Date for the experience of dating, of meeting someone, of experiencing them for that amount of time and go forward. Much like going on a vacation to somewhere you've never been."
When did, or has it always been that dating was "expectations" versus "expiration or experiencing"? Certainly its been this way for a very long time, its not something that showed up in the 21st Century.
Though, I say this again, because I haven't "learned" it, though I am reminded of it... men are just the same as women, and that is generalizing. There are men that are willing to be in a relationship JUST TO HAVE a relationship. Even if its the wrong relationship, they don't want to be alone.
I replied, "I think all dating
She said its helped her get over Charlie, a fella with bad intentions. Not necessarily towards her, or women in general, just not with good intentions for a life.
She is feeling better than she has in a long time. And that is great!
She also said, "I think I like expiration dating better. Just go out and have fun with no expectations."
I replied, "I think that's how dating is suppose to be. You go out and have fun. Date for the experience of dating, of meeting someone, of experiencing them for that amount of time and go forward. Much like going on a vacation to somewhere you've never been."
When did, or has it always been that dating was "expectations" versus "expiration or experiencing"? Certainly its been this way for a very long time, its not something that showed up in the 21st Century.
Though, I say this again, because I haven't "learned" it, though I am reminded of it... men are just the same as women, and that is generalizing. There are men that are willing to be in a relationship JUST TO HAVE a relationship. Even if its the wrong relationship, they don't want to be alone.
I replied, "I think all dating
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Balance Carries On
At the same time I don't want to go on the date, because I'm kind of starting to dislike it all.
In a sense, I feel that by not going on the date, and walking away - I can cut any strings and just be.
Save my gift certificate and go with someone that I really enjoy, or on a date that will have a possibility. A date that isn't flooded with lots of negativity; friends worried that he will be rude and inconsiderate to me.
I do not have to do this.
In a sense, I feel that by not going on the date, and walking away - I can cut any strings and just be.
Save my gift certificate and go with someone that I really enjoy, or on a date that will have a possibility. A date that isn't flooded with lots of negativity; friends worried that he will be rude and inconsiderate to me.
I do not have to do this.
Still Finding that Balance
Here's exactly how I feel...right or wrong...it is how I feel.
I don't want to go out with him because that will probably be the end of it, whatever "it" is. And I don't want this ?? hell ?? to end because ya, I'm bored or something.
In a way it seems that being involved is better than nothing
Yet the longer I'm attached in some odd way, the longer the pain continues.
Yet, by God, I am tired of assholes. One time Willys.
Part of me is afraid that I can't go into the date without an expectation of more.
I don't want to go out with him because that will probably be the end of it, whatever "it" is. And I don't want this ?? hell ?? to end because ya, I'm bored or something.
In a way it seems that being involved is better than nothing
Yet the longer I'm attached in some odd way, the longer the pain continues.
Yet, by God, I am tired of assholes. One time Willys.
Part of me is afraid that I can't go into the date without an expectation of more.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Just Pudding in the Box
I am beginning to think that all men are really just "Pudding in the Box," and until they prove themselves, that is how they need to be looked upon. As nothing serious. Nothing that has proven themselves to be worthy of our time, of our tears, of our fears.
Recently "bought a cowboy" (Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy) and eventually will have a date with him. (its scheduled for tonight) It started out very wild? Partly because he's never been auctioned off and I've never bought a cowboy before; and while I wasn't embarrassed, I just was kind of like a deer in the headlights. (Oh shit, now what?)
And while we both were feeling, acting in a "holy shit" manner, he still gave me his card with his number. He still hugged me and said, "call and we'll go out." And ultimately, he did still call me back after I asked him out. (Yes, there was a moment that I didn't know)
So why do we cry over pudding in a box? If it isn't any good, is it really our fault? So we put the right amount of milk in, so we whipped and mixed it for the correct amount of time - just like mom showed us - and we let it chill the right amount of time ....
If it isn't any good, could it not be that the actually pudding that comes in the box, is the problem?
Recently "bought a cowboy" (Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy) and eventually will have a date with him. (its scheduled for tonight) It started out very wild? Partly because he's never been auctioned off and I've never bought a cowboy before; and while I wasn't embarrassed, I just was kind of like a deer in the headlights. (Oh shit, now what?)
And while we both were feeling, acting in a "holy shit" manner, he still gave me his card with his number. He still hugged me and said, "call and we'll go out." And ultimately, he did still call me back after I asked him out. (Yes, there was a moment that I didn't know)
So why do we cry over pudding in a box? If it isn't any good, is it really our fault? So we put the right amount of milk in, so we whipped and mixed it for the correct amount of time - just like mom showed us - and we let it chill the right amount of time ....
If it isn't any good, could it not be that the actually pudding that comes in the box, is the problem?
Friday, July 22, 2011
One Decent Damn Man
I don't think people realize just how "on the money" Sex and The City really was and is.
I have a group of pretty friends - 3 beautiful blonds, a striking brunette, and myself - another brunette. We are 5 different heights, sizes, shapes, personalities, employed in different realms, yet fun loving, smart, generous women.
And do you think one of us can find ONE DECENT DAMN MAN?
Karla's been after a fire man for a while. Yes, part of the "hold up" is that if she had a date with him, she might not be able to hold back - and she doesn't want to screw it up. At the same time, either he's in or he's out. Stop playing...get on it or get out. Apparently she changed the rules recently, and he's not liking it. Good for her.
Vicki is new to town, got burnt recently. Who knew that he was an alcoholic, bad with money and liked a lot of women? Yes, this guy was to be different.
Stacey is in the same boat I'm in, I think. She's over 40, realizes that "texting" a fella is now the "norm" but really?
Anita. Striking in her looks, skinnier than a rail - assists in her striking looks. Knows how to laugh and be a ditz while not a ditz at all.
Then there's me. Working to get into shape, having to color my gray because I'm too young to be this gray and my natural color is too pretty to let go so soon (per my sister). I won't lie. I'm tired of being alone; I am lonely. I would like someone to hug me, to laugh with me, to enjoy me.
Yes, I love my girlfriends. I have a good time. My life really doesn't suck.
Its just this one issue.
Is there just ONE ......decent....damn man available? We don't each need the 3-5 that we're alloted in life, we just need one.
I have a group of pretty friends - 3 beautiful blonds, a striking brunette, and myself - another brunette. We are 5 different heights, sizes, shapes, personalities, employed in different realms, yet fun loving, smart, generous women.
And do you think one of us can find ONE DECENT DAMN MAN?
Karla's been after a fire man for a while. Yes, part of the "hold up" is that if she had a date with him, she might not be able to hold back - and she doesn't want to screw it up. At the same time, either he's in or he's out. Stop playing...get on it or get out. Apparently she changed the rules recently, and he's not liking it. Good for her.
Vicki is new to town, got burnt recently. Who knew that he was an alcoholic, bad with money and liked a lot of women? Yes, this guy was to be different.
Stacey is in the same boat I'm in, I think. She's over 40, realizes that "texting" a fella is now the "norm" but really?
Anita. Striking in her looks, skinnier than a rail - assists in her striking looks. Knows how to laugh and be a ditz while not a ditz at all.
Then there's me. Working to get into shape, having to color my gray because I'm too young to be this gray and my natural color is too pretty to let go so soon (per my sister). I won't lie. I'm tired of being alone; I am lonely. I would like someone to hug me, to laugh with me, to enjoy me.
Yes, I love my girlfriends. I have a good time. My life really doesn't suck.
Its just this one issue.
Is there just ONE ......decent....damn man available? We don't each need the 3-5 that we're alloted in life, we just need one.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Celebrate Family Style
Last night I went out of town, just 30 miles, to this BIG RED BARN in the middle of hay fields for a 3rd of July celebration. A place where families can go, where single people can go to be a part of a bigger family, and listen to wonderful music...dance...people watch (always a favorite) and enjoy the fireworks.
Didn't cost much, $2/car load. There were food vendors, but I had already eaten.
Old people, young people, ice cream, licorice, popcorn, fried bread. Big ole green lawn.
It was beautiful; and while I did enjoy the company of some friends, as I sit today, I think - where's my family? Why aren't we planning something to do family-wise? Beautiful weather and I could be elsewhere. I even have today off from work.
Sadness....
Hoping, yes, that to have a fella in my life, something fun can be planned. A family camping trip - with my mom in tow!
Celebrations ought to include family.
Didn't cost much, $2/car load. There were food vendors, but I had already eaten.
Old people, young people, ice cream, licorice, popcorn, fried bread. Big ole green lawn.
It was beautiful; and while I did enjoy the company of some friends, as I sit today, I think - where's my family? Why aren't we planning something to do family-wise? Beautiful weather and I could be elsewhere. I even have today off from work.
Sadness....
Hoping, yes, that to have a fella in my life, something fun can be planned. A family camping trip - with my mom in tow!
Celebrations ought to include family.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
When Did Guys Become Girls?
I've had almost an identical conversation with 2 women in a week, at different times, brought about by different circumstances.
When did guys become girls? Are men really that afraid of our independence?
Arizona mentioned it last week, when she said that the guy she is dating, okay having sex with, asked her if he could call her or....text her? She told him, she doesn't talk on the phone, he can only text her. She also doesn't want a "relationship" with him, no emotional attachment. And as soon as he starts to become emotionally attached and more so, get her attached to him, she will kick him to the curb.
I said that men aren't conditioned (brought up) to "fall for someone" and then have to deal, handle, learn to cope with how to handle it when "they just aren't that 'into' you," though it's not about you.
Women have to learn that lesson early and usually over and over again.
However, once they do - LOOK out. Once 'the worm turns,' it aint pretty.
Furthermore, should it be pretty?
Why should a woman waste her life "waiting" for 'her guy' to grow up? And is she doing either one of them any favors, in waiting.
So then this morning at coffee, my other friend said that "yep, she'd had some physical gratification with Josh, but he had become inconsiderate and she wasn't going to put up with it."
She even went on to say that she was happy now, when her "ex's" had girlfriends because they became "someone else's problem." And "no, she didn't think the 3 of them should have dinner."
HUH? That used to be what a girl would do... "we should go have dinner sometime."
She went on to say that he had told her "I haven't been with anyone since you," and she tried to get out of the conversation without admitting anything. that used to be what guys did....
I told her how I had gone out on this date with Dig, nice man - good date - - but ....
Was it possibly that:
*he ran his hand through my hair on the 1st date? in a public resturant and I felt uncomfortable?
*Or that I could feel the "longing" within him for that connection that maybe wasn't there? Especially as he was determined to hold my hand?
* Or that not only did I get a text 1/2 hour after getting home from our date that said how wonderful of a time he had with me - and when I returned the thank you the next day, I couldnt' get him off the phone?
No... I don't think it was that.
** It may have been that the following day, I got an email "you're quiet" (huh?), then the following night,
** I got a call at 9pm. (baby, if you haven't called me by 7, don't. I'm either out or in bed, either way, not with you)
** the next night, a missed call....
and when I finally did talk to him, honestly, the upcoming week was so busy, and I felt he was so needy that my mind couldn't make time.
And so I told him basically the truth. I was too busy that week to see him.
It was the truth. I was busy. I had meetings and other obligations every night that week. And then I was going to leave early on Saturday morning to go to Texas to get my mom.
I say now "basically" the truth, because as my friend and I laughed this morning, "I'm busy this week" is usually the guys line when he really doesn't want to see you and he doesn't want to shut that door.
It was the truth. I was too busy.
So a week later, in a motel in Amarillo, TX with my mom, I listen to his message... "Hi... this is 'Dig' and I really enjoyed our date and would really like to see you again.....would you like that, too?"
Except for the fact that I don't do this, could I put my finger down my throat and throw up? He didn't have to say "all that," because I know the "date" he was talking about. No wonder guys have ran from us for years!
I also meditate now, that my life has basically been a whirlwind for the last 3 weeks, and to add this fella into my life, would have drove me nuts. And thus, if he'd been even in the competition of being "the one," I would have made time for him. At the same time, he wouldn't have driven me nuts.
But when did guys become girls? and girls became guys?
When did the roles reverse?
More so, how can we keep it this way?
Okay, maybe that's a joke. Because I don't want to be single all my life.
When did guys become girls? Are men really that afraid of our independence?
Arizona mentioned it last week, when she said that the guy she is dating, okay having sex with, asked her if he could call her or....text her? She told him, she doesn't talk on the phone, he can only text her. She also doesn't want a "relationship" with him, no emotional attachment. And as soon as he starts to become emotionally attached and more so, get her attached to him, she will kick him to the curb.
I said that men aren't conditioned (brought up) to "fall for someone" and then have to deal, handle, learn to cope with how to handle it when "they just aren't that 'into' you," though it's not about you.
Women have to learn that lesson early and usually over and over again.
However, once they do - LOOK out. Once 'the worm turns,' it aint pretty.
Furthermore, should it be pretty?
Why should a woman waste her life "waiting" for 'her guy' to grow up? And is she doing either one of them any favors, in waiting.
So then this morning at coffee, my other friend said that "yep, she'd had some physical gratification with Josh, but he had become inconsiderate and she wasn't going to put up with it."
She even went on to say that she was happy now, when her "ex's" had girlfriends because they became "someone else's problem." And "no, she didn't think the 3 of them should have dinner."
HUH? That used to be what a girl would do... "we should go have dinner sometime."
She went on to say that he had told her "I haven't been with anyone since you," and she tried to get out of the conversation without admitting anything. that used to be what guys did....
I told her how I had gone out on this date with Dig, nice man - good date - - but ....
Was it possibly that:
*he ran his hand through my hair on the 1st date? in a public resturant and I felt uncomfortable?
*Or that I could feel the "longing" within him for that connection that maybe wasn't there? Especially as he was determined to hold my hand?
* Or that not only did I get a text 1/2 hour after getting home from our date that said how wonderful of a time he had with me - and when I returned the thank you the next day, I couldnt' get him off the phone?
No... I don't think it was that.
** It may have been that the following day, I got an email "you're quiet" (huh?), then the following night,
** I got a call at 9pm. (baby, if you haven't called me by 7, don't. I'm either out or in bed, either way, not with you)
** the next night, a missed call....
and when I finally did talk to him, honestly, the upcoming week was so busy, and I felt he was so needy that my mind couldn't make time.
And so I told him basically the truth. I was too busy that week to see him.
It was the truth. I was busy. I had meetings and other obligations every night that week. And then I was going to leave early on Saturday morning to go to Texas to get my mom.
I say now "basically" the truth, because as my friend and I laughed this morning, "I'm busy this week" is usually the guys line when he really doesn't want to see you and he doesn't want to shut that door.
It was the truth. I was too busy.
So a week later, in a motel in Amarillo, TX with my mom, I listen to his message... "Hi... this is 'Dig' and I really enjoyed our date and would really like to see you again.....would you like that, too?"
Except for the fact that I don't do this, could I put my finger down my throat and throw up? He didn't have to say "all that," because I know the "date" he was talking about. No wonder guys have ran from us for years!
I also meditate now, that my life has basically been a whirlwind for the last 3 weeks, and to add this fella into my life, would have drove me nuts. And thus, if he'd been even in the competition of being "the one," I would have made time for him. At the same time, he wouldn't have driven me nuts.
But when did guys become girls? and girls became guys?
When did the roles reverse?
More so, how can we keep it this way?
Okay, maybe that's a joke. Because I don't want to be single all my life.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
My Mom's Response
It is because I am honest that I don't "save myself." When 'D in G' asked me "where does your mom live," and I could hear the fear in his voice, that she.....might.....live.......................................................................................
with..............
me......
I could have stopped the relationship RIGHT THERE.
Because I was telling him that I was going to be too busy the coming week to get together.
Which was true.
Though I could feel it inside me, that I wanted nothing to do with him.
Not in a scary way, just too....over-bearing.
But no, I say, "oh she lives in the 'Basin'." Because I didn't want to tell him where she lived. It's none of his business after a 1st date. And I don't know him.
I could hear the relief in his voice.
So a week later, when in the motel room in Amarillo, with my mom and telling her about 'Dig,' and she's asking me questions - is he cute? what does he do? where did he take you to dinner? etc.
She said, laughing, "you should have said, 'yes, she lives with me. She sleeps in the basement."
She went on to say, "and she doesn't hear a thing once she goes to the basement."
MOM!
Both of us, laughing, I said, "and she has this little dog that doesn't like anyone, but he won't bite you. He goes with her. He will be fine,"
and my mom picked that up and added, "he's fine until he wakes up and needs let out at night. Then he will realize there is someone in the house that he doesn't know, and....."
Yep, all I would have to say is, "my mom lives with me, part time," and that would end any possible relationship. Without having to hurt his feelings.
with..............
me......
I could have stopped the relationship RIGHT THERE.
Because I was telling him that I was going to be too busy the coming week to get together.
Which was true.
Though I could feel it inside me, that I wanted nothing to do with him.
Not in a scary way, just too....over-bearing.
But no, I say, "oh she lives in the 'Basin'." Because I didn't want to tell him where she lived. It's none of his business after a 1st date. And I don't know him.
I could hear the relief in his voice.
So a week later, when in the motel room in Amarillo, with my mom and telling her about 'Dig,' and she's asking me questions - is he cute? what does he do? where did he take you to dinner? etc.
She said, laughing, "you should have said, 'yes, she lives with me. She sleeps in the basement."
She went on to say, "and she doesn't hear a thing once she goes to the basement."
MOM!
Both of us, laughing, I said, "and she has this little dog that doesn't like anyone, but he won't bite you. He goes with her. He will be fine,"
and my mom picked that up and added, "he's fine until he wakes up and needs let out at night. Then he will realize there is someone in the house that he doesn't know, and....."
Yep, all I would have to say is, "my mom lives with me, part time," and that would end any possible relationship. Without having to hurt his feelings.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Got Love?
Other than I have been corresponding with a few other guys, though I haven't sealed the deal with anyone, its amazing how one fella that's coming on TOO strong plus a series of men that don't even look interesting can change a perspective.
I certainly know that they are not the end of the road. I'm just happy not to have to talk to them, to try to get something worthwhile out of the conversation.
Sorry, I do not want someone who "can smile, and probably would smile if they were with me."
Nor, do I want someone who "is interesting, and would be a lot more interesting if I would......."
Its not about me. You need to be whoever you are with or without me. If I compliment you, all the better. I can't make you into someone you are not. Nor do I want to.
I certainly know that they are not the end of the road. I'm just happy not to have to talk to them, to try to get something worthwhile out of the conversation.
Sorry, I do not want someone who "can smile, and probably would smile if they were with me."
Nor, do I want someone who "is interesting, and would be a lot more interesting if I would......."
Its not about me. You need to be whoever you are with or without me. If I compliment you, all the better. I can't make you into someone you are not. Nor do I want to.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Pinedale Pudding
This post is past due - it should have been posted by Tuesday of last, but it didn't make it.
I was hooked on someone - have had an attraction with a fella that appears to be successful.* It appears that he is just a player, at the moment.**
And in the middle of Tuesday, reeling backwards after realizing that Pudding has no life, thanks to a discussion with my best girlfriend, something another friend once said, came across my mind "If God SHUT the door, LEAVE IT SHUT."
When in my reeling, my best girlfriend said, "Ya, you have a problem with that door. You get out your hammer and start taking out nails and then remember that God SHUT the door so tightly He put nails in it. You need to stop that."
*I then said, I don't even know if Pinedale is what he says he is. People (and I should have learned this BY NOW) say all sorts of things online and are they really true? One guy "smokes occassionally" turned into pretty much regularly; his social drinking really is "I get drunk and turn into an asshole."
I have another person in my life right now that appears "successful" on the outside, however their life really is a mess. They are very co-dependent.
I went on to say that as far as I know, he is just a pretty picture.
She responded with "That is what I just said. A man is lucky if you give him attention. You are complete. A man simply gives you the chance to save another of God's creatures...lol...just kidding. We are human and humans need to be around other humans. However we can survive just fine on our own."
She went onto say "the proof is in the pudding and right now he is just the pretty box the pudding comes in. Don't even know if the box is empty." (LOL)
**And until he makes much MUCH more of an attempt to get my attention, he's stuck in the box.
I was hooked on someone - have had an attraction with a fella that appears to be successful.* It appears that he is just a player, at the moment.**
And in the middle of Tuesday, reeling backwards after realizing that Pudding has no life, thanks to a discussion with my best girlfriend, something another friend once said, came across my mind "If God SHUT the door, LEAVE IT SHUT."
When in my reeling, my best girlfriend said, "Ya, you have a problem with that door. You get out your hammer and start taking out nails and then remember that God SHUT the door so tightly He put nails in it. You need to stop that."
*I then said, I don't even know if Pinedale is what he says he is. People (and I should have learned this BY NOW) say all sorts of things online and are they really true? One guy "smokes occassionally" turned into pretty much regularly; his social drinking really is "I get drunk and turn into an asshole."
I have another person in my life right now that appears "successful" on the outside, however their life really is a mess. They are very co-dependent.
I went on to say that as far as I know, he is just a pretty picture.
She responded with "That is what I just said. A man is lucky if you give him attention. You are complete. A man simply gives you the chance to save another of God's creatures...lol...just kidding. We are human and humans need to be around other humans. However we can survive just fine on our own."
She went onto say "the proof is in the pudding and right now he is just the pretty box the pudding comes in. Don't even know if the box is empty." (LOL)
**And until he makes much MUCH more of an attempt to get my attention, he's stuck in the box.
Loves Got a Hold On ....
Don't kid yourself, love has got a hold on most of us.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Player
I shared my experience, I guess I'll call it with a male friend of mine, someone who I hold very dear to me....and he responded with "I think online dating makes it easier for players to be players, it gives them more confidence." He went on and said, "do not give up."
Pinedale Games
A year ago, I met a guy, that seemed almost too good to be true, yet he isn't out of the country (as far as I know) and I turned him down when he asked me to meet him in Riverton.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Moment of Something
I just had a moment of feeling fat (okay these specific moments are many right now, as I need to get into a better fitness program) and so un-lovable, undesirable, when a friend popped into my mind. And the thought of her, and all that she is, reminded me to be comfortable with who I am, and all that I have to offer.
It was a moment of something.
I've started to put my fishing line back into the water. I took it out, and put it to rest a few months back when I hadn't met anyone that I wanted to at least dig a worm up for.
However, I really want a companion.
Yes, I want sex. Yes, I want great sex.
Though when it comes right down to it, I want someone to tell my silly stories to, someone to drink coffee with and discuss even politics with -
someone that cares if I am late, or if I fell with my bike. Simply someone who I can run my hands through his hair, and if he has none... well, I'll probably find another loving way to touch him.
So as I continue on my path, I probably will find myself have "A Moment of Something."
It was a moment of something.
I've started to put my fishing line back into the water. I took it out, and put it to rest a few months back when I hadn't met anyone that I wanted to at least dig a worm up for.
However, I really want a companion.
Yes, I want sex. Yes, I want great sex.
Though when it comes right down to it, I want someone to tell my silly stories to, someone to drink coffee with and discuss even politics with -
someone that cares if I am late, or if I fell with my bike. Simply someone who I can run my hands through his hair, and if he has none... well, I'll probably find another loving way to touch him.
So as I continue on my path, I probably will find myself have "A Moment of Something."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Expressed Like Never Before
7 years ago, my former spouse asked for a divorce. After so many years of being controlled in a certain sense, by both him and his mom, I couldn't believe it. I had given up, 4 months earlier, a job because he gave me the ULTIMATIUM...it was either my job or him. My parents were adivisng me not to quit, to leave on a good note; he didn't understand that despite the positions "crap," it did give me a sense of belonging. And now... neither. Of course, I went into denial...and we struggled for another 3 months.
Then I got job in town; found a little apartment for my dog and I. Nothing was the same. Nothing was ever the same. At times, a quiet voice inside me said, "tell him to find a lawyer and get it done." Just do it, just do something, for once that doesn't require YOUR MOM. That is how I felt.
I know lots of people, probably the majority of people, still believe that it was I, who asked for the divorce. I had been controlled, manipulated; I put up with water that I couldn't drink, I couldn't bathe, I couldn't clean with. Did I finally have enough?
No, because I felt then that if my marriage crumbled it would be ALL MY FAULT. I HAD to make it work. In addition to the fact that I believed then what I still do....my ex-husband is not a bad guy. He has a sweet tender heart. The world is a better place because he is in it, its just too bad he can't own that.
However this isn't about him, this is about me. YES, ME! Damn it. I gave up my way of life, I gave up possibilities for me, to marry and move to rural Montana. To learn a new way of life. And I did. I learned to ride, and enjoy it. I learned to cut cows and be successful at it. I learned how to calve a heifer, know how long to wait before I went in to help. I learned who to call for what kind of help. I learned names of grasses, I learned about rattle snakes and different birds. The signs of spring. I came to appreciate nature in a way I would never have. I possibly understand people better because of my life in Montana. I also got crushed.
Big Time.
Had to give up my way of life, the life I'd come to know and even love. Basically had to give up everything, again, for him. What did he give up?
Rounding the corner, enhancing on the art that I love and art that I wanted to learn, I got involved with another art group in town. Painters, sculpters .....artists of a different fiber. I took classes I would never had, had I still been in Montana. Mainly because I wouldn't know they existed.
Something I have wanted to do for the past 5 years, is to have my own "Art Camp." A place very much like Brave Girls Club, though I hadn't formalized it enough in my mind.... but a place where adults could come and try their "hand" at art. Whether it be pottery, yupo, MODGE PODGE, weaving.... knitting, felting, fabric dying..... some will take with them a sense of healing, others a wonderful experience of taking this art piece that didn't turn out with another and making something that DID. Or maybe it doesn't, but hang it on the wall and call it "a walk in nature" and see what kind of life it takes on.
What I've come to realize, for myself, is that Life is ART. ALL of life. Whether it be cooking oatmeal for your children in the morning, hiking the hills looking for deer sheds, saving a life in the OR, communicating....ALL of that is art. And its special. And its beautiful.
Then I got job in town; found a little apartment for my dog and I. Nothing was the same. Nothing was ever the same. At times, a quiet voice inside me said, "tell him to find a lawyer and get it done." Just do it, just do something, for once that doesn't require YOUR MOM. That is how I felt.
I know lots of people, probably the majority of people, still believe that it was I, who asked for the divorce. I had been controlled, manipulated; I put up with water that I couldn't drink, I couldn't bathe, I couldn't clean with. Did I finally have enough?
No, because I felt then that if my marriage crumbled it would be ALL MY FAULT. I HAD to make it work. In addition to the fact that I believed then what I still do....my ex-husband is not a bad guy. He has a sweet tender heart. The world is a better place because he is in it, its just too bad he can't own that.
However this isn't about him, this is about me. YES, ME! Damn it. I gave up my way of life, I gave up possibilities for me, to marry and move to rural Montana. To learn a new way of life. And I did. I learned to ride, and enjoy it. I learned to cut cows and be successful at it. I learned how to calve a heifer, know how long to wait before I went in to help. I learned who to call for what kind of help. I learned names of grasses, I learned about rattle snakes and different birds. The signs of spring. I came to appreciate nature in a way I would never have. I possibly understand people better because of my life in Montana. I also got crushed.
Big Time.
Had to give up my way of life, the life I'd come to know and even love. Basically had to give up everything, again, for him. What did he give up?
Rounding the corner, enhancing on the art that I love and art that I wanted to learn, I got involved with another art group in town. Painters, sculpters .....artists of a different fiber. I took classes I would never had, had I still been in Montana. Mainly because I wouldn't know they existed.
Something I have wanted to do for the past 5 years, is to have my own "Art Camp." A place very much like Brave Girls Club, though I hadn't formalized it enough in my mind.... but a place where adults could come and try their "hand" at art. Whether it be pottery, yupo, MODGE PODGE, weaving.... knitting, felting, fabric dying..... some will take with them a sense of healing, others a wonderful experience of taking this art piece that didn't turn out with another and making something that DID. Or maybe it doesn't, but hang it on the wall and call it "a walk in nature" and see what kind of life it takes on.
What I've come to realize, for myself, is that Life is ART. ALL of life. Whether it be cooking oatmeal for your children in the morning, hiking the hills looking for deer sheds, saving a life in the OR, communicating....ALL of that is art. And its special. And its beautiful.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Eyes Open, Door Shut
Quite honestly, until someone comes around that is exciting in some way, my door is shut. I've kept my eyes open, ears alive, and willing to go on a date, or date someone with spark. However, some of my goals have changed, some of my.... I don't know. At the moment, I'm takin' a break!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Stay Stuck
If Geo is stuck on the interstate between here and there, he can just stay stuck!
He didn't call,
He said "no" in all the ways, except "no thanks."
I endured my ex-husband and his new wife and family, yet again.
My sister says that my ex is "uncomfortable" in normal situations; and that, sad to say, is true. So add an uncomfortable situation, and its almost uncomfortable watching.
My ex and I, actually managed pretty good, I would say, running into each other at the most surprising moments, until he found another uncomfortable being like himself.
And then it was really odd.
Again, the three of us, now, would run into each other at the most surprising moments and instead of an "oh, hi," and pass each other quickly, they would grab hands, turn and almost run.
For a long time, I thought it was because of something they thought I WOULD DO, which for the life of me, I couldn't think what that was. I have never made a scene; I didn't even make a scene in public over my divorce.
Then I realized it was them.
It truly was them.
I suppose what got me, somewhat the most, is that one year they were dating, his whole family behaved the same way.
An ABOUT face had been done right in front of me, and I didn't know why.
Then they got married,
his brother & sister in law that I know rather well, became friendly again.
At any time.
I would learn, they didn't like the new wife.
MY former mother in law's opinion really doesn't count, because she likes none of the outlaws. Her support is just as odd as his behavior.
Maybe it wasn't that I endured them, it is that they endure me.
Its actually kind of funny.
As I got up to go check out my "bucket" (which I didn't win), his new wife had clearly pointed me out to some other chick, as she was checking me out. PLEASE.
So stay stuck in Montana.
He didn't call,
He said "no" in all the ways, except "no thanks."
I endured my ex-husband and his new wife and family, yet again.
My sister says that my ex is "uncomfortable" in normal situations; and that, sad to say, is true. So add an uncomfortable situation, and its almost uncomfortable watching.
My ex and I, actually managed pretty good, I would say, running into each other at the most surprising moments, until he found another uncomfortable being like himself.
And then it was really odd.
Again, the three of us, now, would run into each other at the most surprising moments and instead of an "oh, hi," and pass each other quickly, they would grab hands, turn and almost run.
For a long time, I thought it was because of something they thought I WOULD DO, which for the life of me, I couldn't think what that was. I have never made a scene; I didn't even make a scene in public over my divorce.
Then I realized it was them.
It truly was them.
I suppose what got me, somewhat the most, is that one year they were dating, his whole family behaved the same way.
An ABOUT face had been done right in front of me, and I didn't know why.
Then they got married,
his brother & sister in law that I know rather well, became friendly again.
At any time.
I would learn, they didn't like the new wife.
MY former mother in law's opinion really doesn't count, because she likes none of the outlaws. Her support is just as odd as his behavior.
Maybe it wasn't that I endured them, it is that they endure me.
Its actually kind of funny.
As I got up to go check out my "bucket" (which I didn't win), his new wife had clearly pointed me out to some other chick, as she was checking me out. PLEASE.
So stay stuck in Montana.
A Wink Does Not Mean Interest
I was contacted by Geo, not necessarily by a wink, though maybe it was. I don't recall.
He lives over 100 miles from me, he contacted me in which ever way it was because I was pretty, I was cute.
BUT I lived over 50 miles from him. And he didn't have horses and he lived in a Single Wide.
I thought he was cute, why not try?
We chatted, exchanging emails on a regular basis. He led me to believe that he'd actually come down over 100 miles to see me. 130 miles to be exact. MOST of it, Interstate.
So I asked him down. He was handing out his phone number, contacting me...WHY NOT?
No sooner did that invite go out....
his wink became a blink.....
he had something in his eye....
he was worried about the weather...
then he had a JOB....
and a family......
and by gosh, he would call regardless of whether he was going to make it or not.
I wondered, for no more than a blink of my eye, just what he thought I didn't have?
I have a job,
A LIFE,
Extended family,
Who the hell did he think he was talking to?
Its almost 24 hours since his call should have comed....
The weather has turned from nice to snow,
I vaguely wonder if he's on that interstate,
Should I go look?
Or should I just stay home!
He lives over 100 miles from me, he contacted me in which ever way it was because I was pretty, I was cute.
BUT I lived over 50 miles from him. And he didn't have horses and he lived in a Single Wide.
I thought he was cute, why not try?
We chatted, exchanging emails on a regular basis. He led me to believe that he'd actually come down over 100 miles to see me. 130 miles to be exact. MOST of it, Interstate.
So I asked him down. He was handing out his phone number, contacting me...WHY NOT?
No sooner did that invite go out....
his wink became a blink.....
he had something in his eye....
he was worried about the weather...
then he had a JOB....
and a family......
and by gosh, he would call regardless of whether he was going to make it or not.
I wondered, for no more than a blink of my eye, just what he thought I didn't have?
I have a job,
A LIFE,
Extended family,
Who the hell did he think he was talking to?
Its almost 24 hours since his call should have comed....
The weather has turned from nice to snow,
I vaguely wonder if he's on that interstate,
Should I go look?
Or should I just stay home!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do They Know?
A side trip, in my quest, really for love, for a partner ... partner in crime whom I plan to share the rest of my life with....
Every so often, I get a glimpse of this couple.
I don't know who they are, or their names.
I just know they walk out from the alley in which I drive - and walk out of -
and down the street in front of my house -
the very same street I walk down (usually) as I head for a walk with Stella.
Usually, though not always, they are holding hands.
Most always though, they seem to be very much at ease with each other.
It seems much like a gentle relationship,
which isn't to say there isn't passion, or deep desire.
Just an ease between them.
And they are young.
They aren't an old couple who has spent 45 years together.
So far, there are no children -
though for all I know, they aren't even married.
Ah, not that THAT is necessary (anymore).
Do they know that I see them in my windows?
Do they know that they make a nice picture?
Do they know?
Every so often, I get a glimpse of this couple.
I don't know who they are, or their names.
I just know they walk out from the alley in which I drive - and walk out of -
and down the street in front of my house -
the very same street I walk down (usually) as I head for a walk with Stella.
Usually, though not always, they are holding hands.
Most always though, they seem to be very much at ease with each other.
It seems much like a gentle relationship,
which isn't to say there isn't passion, or deep desire.
Just an ease between them.
And they are young.
They aren't an old couple who has spent 45 years together.
So far, there are no children -
though for all I know, they aren't even married.
Ah, not that THAT is necessary (anymore).
Do they know that I see them in my windows?
Do they know that they make a nice picture?
Do they know?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Kept Woman! Who? Me???
I never really thought about it.
Growing up, I wasn't the pretty one, I wasn't the cute one, I wasn't the one with all the personality that just drove people MY way....
I was tall, awkward and both very shy and quiet.
I wanted to be noticed, though I had nothing (and I do mean, nothing) to say.
So needless to say, I didn't dream about my wedding.
I didn't even think I would get married until into my 30s or even 40s.
I thought I would do more travelling,
I thought I would be a successful business woman.
Of some kind.
Amazing that I had that THOUGHT (successful business woman), since I didn't even get to wear high heels. At all.
Since I didn't even have a body for cute clothes or dresses.
Eh, I did gain some clothing style in high school.
Dare I say I even brought some trends to my high school?
Yep, I do have memories of wearing stylish dresses, heals, and being someone to LOOK at.
Throughout the summer, my thoughts were easily that when I "re-married" I would continue to work my own business.
And I don't doubt that I would.
Even as I write this tonight, after today's true thoughts.
My true thoughts were that YES, I think I could be a kept woman.
Assuming that my significant other - yep, we'd be married -
made A LOT of money.
Because I don't want to be married and poor.
Did that.
Not doing it again.
Yes, I could wear the pretty, fitted, stylish suits.
Or fun flashy jeans.
I could keep a fairly neat house, with a big workroom for my many projects.
Make dinner, plan parties, behave at the "proper social" events.
I would love to go knit with the ladies, and belong to boards and be a "worker bee" for the many charities or non-profits.
I wouldn't be the snob that some women, well, just are.
I would be approachable.
I guess though, I always thought I would be BORED (and possibly highly irritated) out of my mind, pretending that I liked the other socialites - which is why the thought of being a wife to such a man, never truly stayed in my mind for any length of time. So my high income earner lover and friend would have to accept that I am who I am and if someone annoys me at a party, they might very well know it.
I would just be me....only I wouldn't have to worry about bringing home any bacon. I would just have to worry about setting off the smoke alarm when I fried it.
I think I could handle that.
Growing up, I wasn't the pretty one, I wasn't the cute one, I wasn't the one with all the personality that just drove people MY way....
I was tall, awkward and both very shy and quiet.
I wanted to be noticed, though I had nothing (and I do mean, nothing) to say.
So needless to say, I didn't dream about my wedding.
I didn't even think I would get married until into my 30s or even 40s.
I thought I would do more travelling,
I thought I would be a successful business woman.
Of some kind.
Amazing that I had that THOUGHT (successful business woman), since I didn't even get to wear high heels. At all.
Since I didn't even have a body for cute clothes or dresses.
Eh, I did gain some clothing style in high school.
Dare I say I even brought some trends to my high school?
Yep, I do have memories of wearing stylish dresses, heals, and being someone to LOOK at.
Throughout the summer, my thoughts were easily that when I "re-married" I would continue to work my own business.
And I don't doubt that I would.
Even as I write this tonight, after today's true thoughts.
My true thoughts were that YES, I think I could be a kept woman.
Assuming that my significant other - yep, we'd be married -
made A LOT of money.
Because I don't want to be married and poor.
Did that.
Not doing it again.
Yes, I could wear the pretty, fitted, stylish suits.
Or fun flashy jeans.
I could keep a fairly neat house, with a big workroom for my many projects.
Make dinner, plan parties, behave at the "proper social" events.
I would love to go knit with the ladies, and belong to boards and be a "worker bee" for the many charities or non-profits.
I wouldn't be the snob that some women, well, just are.
I would be approachable.
I guess though, I always thought I would be BORED (and possibly highly irritated) out of my mind, pretending that I liked the other socialites - which is why the thought of being a wife to such a man, never truly stayed in my mind for any length of time. So my high income earner lover and friend would have to accept that I am who I am and if someone annoys me at a party, they might very well know it.
I would just be me....only I wouldn't have to worry about bringing home any bacon. I would just have to worry about setting off the smoke alarm when I fried it.
I think I could handle that.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Closing Down the Shack, Just like That!
I was out on Friday night with some friends, we were discussing men and how to meet them. My friend JI is in a relationship with someone that she went to school with, however, 32 years later they became reaquainted at her Uncle's funeral. So thus - no limits to where or how you meet someone.
Later on that night, I overheard a couple talking. I didn't know if they were dating, on a date, married; I just saw their faces, their body movements and heard a few comments. They themselves made me want to never date again. They looked unhappy, the man, looked angry. The one comment I overheard him say was, "he said 'I will never let another man raise my kids.' " While I have no idea who he was talking about, I kind of smirked to myself. If you don't want someone else to raise your children, then do everything you can to keep your marriage together. And if need be, do it FOR the kids. Yes, that means, stop drinking, stop gambling, stop thinking "its greener on the other side." Its never greener on the other side; its life. Stop yelling, stop abusing, STOP BEING MEAN. Work on yourself for a change.
As soon as he said those words, and I had my thought, I seriously wanted to "close down my 'dating' shack....and yes, just like that."
Not because I think all men are like that, not because I think my next significant other will be like that (because I'd rather be alone)... maybe because I am taking some time to work on myself. Do some things really for myself - art things. Get back into the art of my life, and doing creative artistic things that feed my soul.
Closing down the shack, just like that!
Later on that night, I overheard a couple talking. I didn't know if they were dating, on a date, married; I just saw their faces, their body movements and heard a few comments. They themselves made me want to never date again. They looked unhappy, the man, looked angry. The one comment I overheard him say was, "he said 'I will never let another man raise my kids.' " While I have no idea who he was talking about, I kind of smirked to myself. If you don't want someone else to raise your children, then do everything you can to keep your marriage together. And if need be, do it FOR the kids. Yes, that means, stop drinking, stop gambling, stop thinking "its greener on the other side." Its never greener on the other side; its life. Stop yelling, stop abusing, STOP BEING MEAN. Work on yourself for a change.
As soon as he said those words, and I had my thought, I seriously wanted to "close down my 'dating' shack....and yes, just like that."
Not because I think all men are like that, not because I think my next significant other will be like that (because I'd rather be alone)... maybe because I am taking some time to work on myself. Do some things really for myself - art things. Get back into the art of my life, and doing creative artistic things that feed my soul.
Closing down the shack, just like that!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Dreams
I've always believed that dreams were a way of telling you something, of your mind working things out that you couldn't work out while awake.
I've had reoccuring dreams about being married and moving into town, making a better life for myself. And then as life is good in town, I move back to the ranch. For a while, life is grand and then it slowly gets controlling and awful and I search for where I lived in town, for my freer life in town.
Lately, though, since I've been back from my holiday vacation, I have had very evil dreams. Dreams that are scary. I can't help but think there is a correlation to the fact that while away, I didn't check my online dating sites once....I did fear coming home to an "empty" life though I didn't have bad dreams. Now I am checking on my online dating sites, Angler wants to withdraw from communications, and my dreams are very evil.
Remember the lesson about my Rodeo Date - he seemed good "on paper," "on line," however in real life, he was not. And so I apply that lesson to this - what seems is not always true.
I've had reoccuring dreams about being married and moving into town, making a better life for myself. And then as life is good in town, I move back to the ranch. For a while, life is grand and then it slowly gets controlling and awful and I search for where I lived in town, for my freer life in town.
Lately, though, since I've been back from my holiday vacation, I have had very evil dreams. Dreams that are scary. I can't help but think there is a correlation to the fact that while away, I didn't check my online dating sites once....I did fear coming home to an "empty" life though I didn't have bad dreams. Now I am checking on my online dating sites, Angler wants to withdraw from communications, and my dreams are very evil.
Remember the lesson about my Rodeo Date - he seemed good "on paper," "on line," however in real life, he was not. And so I apply that lesson to this - what seems is not always true.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Bit the Bullet...Twice!
I just bit the bullet, not once, but twice.
First, I emailed Angler and asked, "are you telling me to get lost, or are you just saying you're a bit busy at the moment?" I told him I wouldn't respond until I heard from him, and if it was a positive response, I would limit my emails to him. Afterall I do have socks to knit!
As soon as that email was sent, there was another fella I might be interested in from Lander, named Donnie. Dare I look at him? Afterall, he could be related! So I looked. Bit the bullet a second time. Cute. Had a kilt on in one picture, definitely could be related. Who knows???
First, I emailed Angler and asked, "are you telling me to get lost, or are you just saying you're a bit busy at the moment?" I told him I wouldn't respond until I heard from him, and if it was a positive response, I would limit my emails to him. Afterall I do have socks to knit!
As soon as that email was sent, there was another fella I might be interested in from Lander, named Donnie. Dare I look at him? Afterall, he could be related! So I looked. Bit the bullet a second time. Cute. Had a kilt on in one picture, definitely could be related. Who knows???
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Pray
This afternoon, as I lay in corpse pose at the end of a rather difficult yoga class (lots of planks, lower planks, updog), I thought, "I love this yoga place. I love the teachers, the space, the breath, the atmophere. How will I find it elsewhere (as I ponder a move, closer to my nephews)?" No sooner did I think that, and two thoughts came to mind:
1) Give it to prayer
2) Trust the process
Just as I trusted my gut when I first started yoga at tKS, wondering if I would really like it, if I could afford it....IF, all these IFS, it felt right, so I did it.
And it continues to be right. So I must continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, giving my concerns up in prayer, and trusting the answer. Trusting the process.
1) Give it to prayer
2) Trust the process
Just as I trusted my gut when I first started yoga at tKS, wondering if I would really like it, if I could afford it....IF, all these IFS, it felt right, so I did it.
And it continues to be right. So I must continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, giving my concerns up in prayer, and trusting the answer. Trusting the process.
Lesson Learned
My girlfriend has said many times throughout my dating journey that if I learned something, then whatever trial and tribulation, was worth it. Sometimes I question that.
Some question my equalibrium for saying that despite the way it ended, I am thankful for my marriage. Bill taught me a lot, and I don't know if some of the things that I learned, I would have - had I not been in those situations.
I was also introduced to one great song writer - John Prine. I listen to his music almost daily and just love it. I hear his songs throughout my life. In fact I have even had conversations with A-ND regarding John Prine. I dare say, there probably aren't A LOT of men out there that I am interested in that have heard of John Prine, or like him.
And while I realize that I am who I am, in a large part due to myself and my choices, I do believe I am a stronger person for having been married to Bill and to have lived on a ranch.
While at times, I am angry for maybe the place I am today, having given 15 years to someone, to a place, and gotten very little (monetary) for it, the experiences, the people I met - the people I know - the people I do love, the lessons learned: INVALUABLE.
Some question my equalibrium for saying that despite the way it ended, I am thankful for my marriage. Bill taught me a lot, and I don't know if some of the things that I learned, I would have - had I not been in those situations.
I was also introduced to one great song writer - John Prine. I listen to his music almost daily and just love it. I hear his songs throughout my life. In fact I have even had conversations with A-ND regarding John Prine. I dare say, there probably aren't A LOT of men out there that I am interested in that have heard of John Prine, or like him.
And while I realize that I am who I am, in a large part due to myself and my choices, I do believe I am a stronger person for having been married to Bill and to have lived on a ranch.
While at times, I am angry for maybe the place I am today, having given 15 years to someone, to a place, and gotten very little (monetary) for it, the experiences, the people I met - the people I know - the people I do love, the lessons learned: INVALUABLE.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dense in comparison to Baking
Refering to my earlier post, take baking. The recipe says "butter, softened." So does that mean "SOFT," or "just softer than it was when you took it out of the refrigerator"? How do you know??
I'm tempted to shoot Angler back a message... "I'm not dense. Just so I'm clear in what you are saying- is this a 'get lost' message?" Do I have the nerve to hear the answer? Or should I go on about my life not caring?
I'm tempted to shoot Angler back a message... "I'm not dense. Just so I'm clear in what you are saying- is this a 'get lost' message?" Do I have the nerve to hear the answer? Or should I go on about my life not caring?
Dense-ity
UGH! OH! BUMMED! Got to...what?
I went away for the holidays and for 2 weeks, I did not check any of my online dating sites. It wasn't that it didn't cross my mind, because it did. Something just said, "don't go there." And it was nice. So very nice.
I told my girlfriend who has been through all of this with me, and she responded, "yes and you seem happier for it."
I even had a sense that I wasn't coming home to "anyone" online.
My life has filled up, is kind of filling up - and I've been happier even in the past 2 weeks than I have been in such a LONG time, why do I think I need to mess it up with a man?
So within a few days of being home, Angler contacted me. Even though he says he likes dry humor, he did miss a few of my dry comments. However for him to send me an email saying..."Sorry can't keep up....do learn how to fly fish though, you are surrounded by holy water ... a few to many other things goin on that (require) my full attention."
I'm not a dense person, though I can be.
It isn't as though I really know him, though I'd kind of like to.
He's in my vacinity, and I'm attracted to him.
He's in a good age range, he seems sensible and fun.
Does his email suggest, "I'm not into you"? or does it mean "Right now I am just too busy with things that I'm sorry I can't:
1) write often or
2) pursue this relationship"
What does his email really mean?
On one hand, he could have easily just walked away and not said a thing. I wouldn't have kept emailing him, though I suspect another woman might have.
Would his email matter if my life was filled with attractive, interesting men that were attracted to me?
I went away for the holidays and for 2 weeks, I did not check any of my online dating sites. It wasn't that it didn't cross my mind, because it did. Something just said, "don't go there." And it was nice. So very nice.
I told my girlfriend who has been through all of this with me, and she responded, "yes and you seem happier for it."
I even had a sense that I wasn't coming home to "anyone" online.
My life has filled up, is kind of filling up - and I've been happier even in the past 2 weeks than I have been in such a LONG time, why do I think I need to mess it up with a man?
So within a few days of being home, Angler contacted me. Even though he says he likes dry humor, he did miss a few of my dry comments. However for him to send me an email saying..."Sorry can't keep up....do learn how to fly fish though, you are surrounded by holy water ... a few to many other things goin on that (require) my full attention."
I'm not a dense person, though I can be.
It isn't as though I really know him, though I'd kind of like to.
He's in my vacinity, and I'm attracted to him.
He's in a good age range, he seems sensible and fun.
Does his email suggest, "I'm not into you"? or does it mean "Right now I am just too busy with things that I'm sorry I can't:
1) write often or
2) pursue this relationship"
What does his email really mean?
On one hand, he could have easily just walked away and not said a thing. I wouldn't have kept emailing him, though I suspect another woman might have.
Would his email matter if my life was filled with attractive, interesting men that were attracted to me?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Moving On Moving Forward
As I sit at my computer, I do recall my post right before Christmas of what came first, the chicken or the egg?
I visited with a friend yesterday, telling her that I am happy with life. It isn't perfect, however I just am happy with me. And I am going to enjoy today. I am going to enjoy my life here, where I live, while I'm here.
Where it has come about, I'm not sure. Although I think, I am finally letting go of the baggage that has lingered from, because of, due to, the end of my marriage and my divorce. Though it is more than that.
When my (male) friend suggested last spring that I would probably be happier if I had someone in my life to share life with - such as a significant other - while I couldn't deny that, I also stated - finding someone is not easy. It wasn't easy 20 years ago, and it is NO EASIER now. At times throughout my dating life, I have even been angered at my friend - its as though his suggestion and my acting on it, has unleashed a part of me that throughout most of the summer, I was UNABLE to control.
It wasn't as though I was a bunny on acid, or on fertilizer pills - my emotions were just so difficult to control. And I didn't have any peace to me.
I don't know, nor am I going to spend any time speculating, as to if I had started "dating" a year ago, if I would feel as I do now.
I'm guessing I wouldn't feel as I do now. Just like the snow in the winter, there is a season for everything.
Anyways, I am cleaning my sewing room and EXCITED about future sewing projects. I have been this excited in a long time. Furthermore, I have realized that even if I don't have a date, or I don't have outside plans, I have a lot of things to do around my house....and for once I actually want to do them. I want to get them done.
So,
then,
perhaps,
my friend's suggestion
came in due time.
And meeting different people,
talking with different men,
online,
on the phone,
in a text,
having them try to Facebook Friend me,
has definitely shed new light.
It has brought both the light and the darkness,
the rain and the rainbows,
understanding and learning,
humor and tears,
it feels great to be able to move on.
To move away, let go of the baggage of my marriage, the baggage of my divorce,
and know that I am working at changing my life.
Small changes - getting rid of a green mug that doesn't fit MY life.
Small changes - looking at something differently.
Holding on to things that I truly do feel - that my ex-husband deserves to be happy.
That my ex-husband deserves a mom that will support him in his choices. Perhaps she'll question if things are right, to make him think.... give him a different view.... but stop, N, for being such a bitch. He's married, now support him. For once.
Yes I do feel that.
And I feel that love is on its way to me.
In the meantime, I am moving forward.
And I am going to enjoy today.
I am going to enjoy MY life.
I visited with a friend yesterday, telling her that I am happy with life. It isn't perfect, however I just am happy with me. And I am going to enjoy today. I am going to enjoy my life here, where I live, while I'm here.
Where it has come about, I'm not sure. Although I think, I am finally letting go of the baggage that has lingered from, because of, due to, the end of my marriage and my divorce. Though it is more than that.
When my (male) friend suggested last spring that I would probably be happier if I had someone in my life to share life with - such as a significant other - while I couldn't deny that, I also stated - finding someone is not easy. It wasn't easy 20 years ago, and it is NO EASIER now. At times throughout my dating life, I have even been angered at my friend - its as though his suggestion and my acting on it, has unleashed a part of me that throughout most of the summer, I was UNABLE to control.
It wasn't as though I was a bunny on acid, or on fertilizer pills - my emotions were just so difficult to control. And I didn't have any peace to me.
I don't know, nor am I going to spend any time speculating, as to if I had started "dating" a year ago, if I would feel as I do now.
I'm guessing I wouldn't feel as I do now. Just like the snow in the winter, there is a season for everything.
Anyways, I am cleaning my sewing room and EXCITED about future sewing projects. I have been this excited in a long time. Furthermore, I have realized that even if I don't have a date, or I don't have outside plans, I have a lot of things to do around my house....and for once I actually want to do them. I want to get them done.
So,
then,
perhaps,
my friend's suggestion
came in due time.
And meeting different people,
talking with different men,
online,
on the phone,
in a text,
having them try to Facebook Friend me,
has definitely shed new light.
It has brought both the light and the darkness,
the rain and the rainbows,
understanding and learning,
humor and tears,
it feels great to be able to move on.
To move away, let go of the baggage of my marriage, the baggage of my divorce,
and know that I am working at changing my life.
Small changes - getting rid of a green mug that doesn't fit MY life.
Small changes - looking at something differently.
Holding on to things that I truly do feel - that my ex-husband deserves to be happy.
That my ex-husband deserves a mom that will support him in his choices. Perhaps she'll question if things are right, to make him think.... give him a different view.... but stop, N, for being such a bitch. He's married, now support him. For once.
Yes I do feel that.
And I feel that love is on its way to me.
In the meantime, I am moving forward.
And I am going to enjoy today.
I am going to enjoy MY life.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Lessons of Others
The Texan seemed to have bit the dust between me going to Texas and being gone for 2 weeks. Prior to that, when it seemed that he bit the dust before we ever even met, my friend said, "he can't, he doesn't have a nickname!"
Now while I don't have a blackbook that contains nicknames and real names, nicknames do help as I read through my posts, helps me to remember the guy. Perhaps that is why men have "blackbooks" of women. So they can remember who we are?? (now that is funny!)
OH... Shit. Cajun just sent an email. I just got notification. That can be read another time.
I honestly am in shock of how many men I've met that have been married....more than once. I don't know how to get past that. "So what happened to wife 1? and wife 2?"
What...there was wife 3?
Oh my.
Yes, multiple marriages seem to be a theme with older men.
The positive view is that they weren't married to all of them at the same time.
Group sex....not for me.
Sharing a man with his children will be difficult enough, much less another wife?
NOPE.
It isn't that I can't get past the multiple marriages - well, I need to get past it.
I need to dig deeper.
I need to ask more questions, though by not....and letting things "be as they are," I do get answers.
Oh my gosh, as I write this, I think one of my very favorite men, had been married a few times before he "got lucky." Wow...an eye opener!!
Hm....This blog started out "Multiple Marriages."
The one truth I feel is that LOVE: To love and to be loved, is simply one of those things we all want.
Now while I don't have a blackbook that contains nicknames and real names, nicknames do help as I read through my posts, helps me to remember the guy. Perhaps that is why men have "blackbooks" of women. So they can remember who we are?? (now that is funny!)
OH... Shit. Cajun just sent an email. I just got notification. That can be read another time.
I honestly am in shock of how many men I've met that have been married....more than once. I don't know how to get past that. "So what happened to wife 1? and wife 2?"
What...there was wife 3?
Oh my.
Yes, multiple marriages seem to be a theme with older men.
The positive view is that they weren't married to all of them at the same time.
Group sex....not for me.
Sharing a man with his children will be difficult enough, much less another wife?
NOPE.
It isn't that I can't get past the multiple marriages - well, I need to get past it.
I need to dig deeper.
I need to ask more questions, though by not....and letting things "be as they are," I do get answers.
Oh my gosh, as I write this, I think one of my very favorite men, had been married a few times before he "got lucky." Wow...an eye opener!!
Hm....This blog started out "Multiple Marriages."
The one truth I feel is that LOVE: To love and to be loved, is simply one of those things we all want.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cajun......Toast
I reconnected, if ever so briefly on Sunday with Cajun.
A fella I met this past summer.
Definitely a sexy guy.
He's looking for a like soul,
I don't think I am that one.
I feel that to say he is a free spirit,
is somewhat of an understatement.
Or maybe just a wrong view.
Perhaps ...immature?
Interestingly enough,
he was actually willing to come over to Sheridan
yesterday and today.
I put the halt on it.
It would have been a bootie call.
Still, though, a 4 hour trip for him.
And something he was unwilling to do a few months ago,
drive further than 1 hour.
At the same time,
I really don't know him.
Deep down,
someone wanting to....
willing to.....
drive 4 hours
in snow
in cold COLD COLD weather
for sex
just
plain
scares
me.
A fella I met this past summer.
Definitely a sexy guy.
He's looking for a like soul,
I don't think I am that one.
I feel that to say he is a free spirit,
is somewhat of an understatement.
Or maybe just a wrong view.
Perhaps ...immature?
Interestingly enough,
he was actually willing to come over to Sheridan
yesterday and today.
I put the halt on it.
It would have been a bootie call.
Still, though, a 4 hour trip for him.
And something he was unwilling to do a few months ago,
drive further than 1 hour.
At the same time,
I really don't know him.
Deep down,
someone wanting to....
willing to.....
drive 4 hours
in snow
in cold COLD COLD weather
for sex
just
plain
scares
me.
Daily ....Weekly....
And so after catching a friend up last week, on the men I've met, she said, "you should write a book." Perhaps I will....
And that's led me to think, I need to blog, if not daily, weekly. Since December 6 - the men I'm communicating with, that I've "experienced" (and that's not necessarily sexual) have changed.
So keep in touch!
And that's led me to think, I need to blog, if not daily, weekly. Since December 6 - the men I'm communicating with, that I've "experienced" (and that's not necessarily sexual) have changed.
So keep in touch!
Eat, Pray, Love
It is a new year! And the new year started off GREAT!! I was in Cheyenne, with my sister and her family - J & J, my two favorites. We brought in the new year with my sister's best "girl" friend and her family, playing "Just Dance" on the Wii (I did win - we set up a bracket). While in Cheyenne, I had a pedicure with Kim and Kori, and had my nails painted Blue for the Denver Broncos.
Prior to New Years, I spent a week in Texas with my mom. I saw my brother and his family for Christmas. I really enjoyed my time in Texas.
One of the things I did, while in Texas, was take a Bikram Yoga Class.
Bikram Yoga is a "hot" yoga, in which the class is 90 minutes long, in a room (with carpet) of 95-105' at 50% humidity. Bikram is a series of 26 poses - and thus, every time you go, you do the same poses in the same sequence. You also get more flexible and are able to do the pose, better each time. Or as your body allows. (Yes, all this does tie into my dating)
I certainly was nervous about going; though a student/teacher told me my goal was mainly to just stay in the room, even if I was in child's pose or corpse pose the whole time.
I was amazed, in the end:
~ I did all of the poses.
~ I did spend a couple extra moments in corpse pose.
~ I stayed in the room.
~ And I was in awe of how our body, different movements, moving away from a hot mat, can cool the body.
~ If I never had experienced how I CAN control my breath, I certainly learned to focus on it in this class.
It was inspiring to feel that yoga, truly, answers all of my needs:
~ exercise that works my heart rate (different poses brings the heart rate up),
~ works flexibility, as well as strength.
~ Works my core, works my mind, yet I don't have the time, the ability to think bad thoughts. ~ ~ ~ ~ Bad thoughts will disable any balance, and balance is different each day.
~ is peaceful.
~ has music
~ is challenging
~ helps my sinus'
~ helps my thyroid, my intestines, my insides...
And it was at the end of this class, as I laid on my mat in Corpse Pose that I realized, I was in my own "Eat, Pray, Love" life.
Eat was when I was married - I did eat more than I do now, I certainly COOKED more, and tried different foods (within my cooking) when I was married.
Pray is right now. Right now I am finding my balance.
Love is in the future......whether that is today, tomorrow, 3 months, I don't know. I am on the journey.....
Eat, Pray, Love....
Prior to New Years, I spent a week in Texas with my mom. I saw my brother and his family for Christmas. I really enjoyed my time in Texas.
One of the things I did, while in Texas, was take a Bikram Yoga Class.
Bikram Yoga is a "hot" yoga, in which the class is 90 minutes long, in a room (with carpet) of 95-105' at 50% humidity. Bikram is a series of 26 poses - and thus, every time you go, you do the same poses in the same sequence. You also get more flexible and are able to do the pose, better each time. Or as your body allows. (Yes, all this does tie into my dating)
I certainly was nervous about going; though a student/teacher told me my goal was mainly to just stay in the room, even if I was in child's pose or corpse pose the whole time.
I was amazed, in the end:
~ I did all of the poses.
~ I did spend a couple extra moments in corpse pose.
~ I stayed in the room.
~ And I was in awe of how our body, different movements, moving away from a hot mat, can cool the body.
~ If I never had experienced how I CAN control my breath, I certainly learned to focus on it in this class.
It was inspiring to feel that yoga, truly, answers all of my needs:
~ exercise that works my heart rate (different poses brings the heart rate up),
~ works flexibility, as well as strength.
~ Works my core, works my mind, yet I don't have the time, the ability to think bad thoughts. ~ ~ ~ ~ Bad thoughts will disable any balance, and balance is different each day.
~ is peaceful.
~ has music
~ is challenging
~ helps my sinus'
~ helps my thyroid, my intestines, my insides...
And it was at the end of this class, as I laid on my mat in Corpse Pose that I realized, I was in my own "Eat, Pray, Love" life.
Eat was when I was married - I did eat more than I do now, I certainly COOKED more, and tried different foods (within my cooking) when I was married.
Pray is right now. Right now I am finding my balance.
Love is in the future......whether that is today, tomorrow, 3 months, I don't know. I am on the journey.....
Eat, Pray, Love....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)