Balance

As I walked home from "Eat Pray Love" this afternoon, I really thought I should have named my "blog" something else. Something like Balance. Because balance is what I'm searching for. A more "ha" balanced life. A life that doesn't send me out the door on a Sunday night to do something I really don't love doing. A life that brings me happiness, laughter, sunshine. A life that I share with a man - because while this is a blog on my "dating" life... I don't want to eternally be dating. I want a man in my life, to create a family with, whether that includes children or not.

Surreal Moment

As I sat down at the library today (to use their computers that has a program I don't and then I can email the information to the necessary place), I sat next to a guy that is on the same Dating Site as myself. And he was scoping at "new" women. I'm thinking that I have kind of seen him on the site, but since I'm not looking for anyone IN Sheridan, that helps!

He was kind of frantically clicking and emailing, looking at profiles. And there is something just so - it feels kind of like being punched in the stomach. I guess because of "all" the possibilities... and yet, I KNOW and have had to relearn it...just because there are SO MANY fish, it doesn't mean that we are meant for everyone.

It also gave me this, well sick feeling. Looking around the library, getting a glimps of what this guy is kind of like and yet not fully by any means. I had to wonder what the men I have met are like, while on the computer.

There are 2 men that I've met (actually have met) that I would say are fairly calm at the computer; and yet, who we are in real life is different than even at the computer.

BUT before it was over, he managed to click on MY PROFILE. And I almost couldn't breathe. Well, I couldn't. For a second, I was slightly worried....that he would look AT me and realize....

Men and Women

A little over a week ago, as I got on Facebook for something, a guy that I had gone on a "friendly" date with - who also gave me something so he would have to see me again, and then AT that time, made a pass at me.... he had changed his Facebook Status from Single to "IN a Relationship."

I wasn't so much hurt or mad, mostly appaulled. HUH? WTF? It is true that I had thought of the possibility of he and I; we have a lot in common, though truthfully, when I think of my future - it isn't one of getting by. Or trading this for that (some bartering is fine). I do require more and I want more. I've done that, and I'm done.

Still... how do you NOT know you are about to be in a "relationship"?

So I asked my friend, who has been with me throughout this cruise of dating, if Pinedale had had any of these experiences. Her response was - "LOL...he has had to get RESTRAINING orders!"

Not that I wish Restraining orders on anyone - either side - though it was refreshing to have that perspective!

A Series

Sometimes I think the connection to "possibilities" are just a series of people until you get to your yes. Which isn't to say that the YES isn't in the possibilities that you go through, it just may mean you haven't truly visited that possibility or the timing was wrong, and its the future that holds you. Its so hard to know, so hard to wait .... and for me, especially with time on my hands, though I am going to do something about THAT today.... to sometimes just be. It goes back to the ebb and flow. Of letting life be and you being in it.

Ebb & Flow of ....

When you love someone, you don't love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh (Quote borrowed from my former sister-in-law's blog)

As much as we women HATE the ebb and flow of love, of life, men hate it worse. They hate it because we change, we become needy and even at times demanding. We want, need, desire more from them than what is normally required. And for no real reason. For reasons that we women cannot explain, because often times there is no logic to it.

Bad Relationships

Connecting with others, people telling you that YOU ARE the perfect match for them or they really think you are THE ONE, without even meeting you - I start to understand, in a different way, just how bad relationships happen.

We as people were not meant to be alone, that I know.
We are meant to connect.
Just not with EVERYONE.

Phone Sex

I did it; I had phone sex. Last night. Hopefully I won't ever hear from the guy again. For more than one reason - though nothing really to do with the sex. Though I had to do all the work; all he told me, said to me was "I'm hard, can you feel me?" "I'm inside you" "I want you." "I'm behind you."

Everything else was me. He grunted through the whole thing. At one point, I accidently hit the end button and THAT WAS IT. Thankfully.

I'm not ashamed of myself, however, never again.

Harmonica Man

Harmonica man told me that he really enjoyed my company and spending time with me; he enjoyed that I seem to like to laugh and had a great laugh. He also told me that he had been interested in, attracted to, wanted to know more about me for some time. I have known this - and I haven't turned him away because I was unattracted to him - mostly because, well, I wasn't ready. I don't know where it will go, I just know that all of my interactions with him have been positive.

Perseverence

This morning as I was getting ready for my Sunday "date," I saw a "poster" I have regarding a Champion. "P" stands for Perseverence...going from One Failure to the Next Failure with a Smile On your face. And I thought how that really applies to dating - and even my dating.

Yes, I cried about 3 days over my Rodeo Date (talked to him daily for 3 weeks, guess that's appropriate); I cried really about 1/2 day over Big Timber. In reality, he and I didn't talk THAT much (I'm not counting the weekend we were together - because now all he said is BS) and I did start to get rather fed up with his bs about 2 weeks before this past Friday. With one text I thought "I am who I am, take it or leave it."

Today's date is not someone that I met online; rather I've met him through a "guild" that I belong to in Sheridan - the Artists Guild. He has shown interest in me for the past 5 years - once right after my divorce when he was raising 2 young boys and I thought "no way." He backed off... Then last fall as I was walking down Main Street, he saw me (as he was at his car) and waited for me. Turns out he is the Harmonica Teacher for one of our local music stores - and I, have wanted to learn to play the Harmonica since I saw the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band in Concert (19 years ago).

So my "Date" with Harmonica Man was going out to Ranchester/Dayton area and driving up on the high line - border between Wyoming and Montana. We drove into the Little Big Horn Canyon, we had a little lunch (thanks to him) by the "beach" (Little Big Horn River). I got to take Stella with us, she LOVED it. We threw sticks for her, she cooled off in the river, she sat on my lap. Harmonica Man showed me his house in Wyola, MT; we sat in his yard and played with Stella. We talked about ALL sorts of things. I knew prior to this "date" that I could just be me (truly me...the person who doesn't know if she's talking about Acronyms or what they are called when you use letters for words) - and it felt really REALLY good to be able to share "my story" that included Bill (my past), my parents, without editing.

I say my "date" because I wouldn't quite call it the date - more like 2 people that like each other, respect one another for their interest in Art - and 1 person hadn't seen something that the other person could share... though I know he is interested in me. I can't say that I'm not; I would just say that there will probably be another date in the future and that I do like him.

And if HE hadn't persevered, today would not have happened and Stella wouldn't have come home TIRED! :)