The Maggot

And so it is, the fella that was once a stepping stone, has finally earned himself a real nick name.

THE MAGGOT

We'd already given out the name of "Cockroach" to someone, what was left? I'm sure there is more.

Though like the stepping stones, some things have been learned.  Surprising things, even.

Said friend, states how she likes a "tight ass."  It's all about the butt for her.

Frankly I don't give that part of the human body a lot of thought, unless of course it is fat and unattractive.

I think she, unknowingly, to her, has moved "up" in her world.

Because with the Maggot, 1) we never really saw his butt.  The only time his butt was presented in public, was when he was working as a waiter; the rest of the time,  2) His butt was covered up by "Painter" pants.  Painter pants are rarely tight.  3) That part of his physique was also covered up by a too-large t-shirt that he always wore loose.  It was never tucked in.  So frankly, we never saw his butt.

His personality:  total ass.

So the next time my friend says, "yes, but I am a 'tight ass' person," I am going to point out - Maggot's ass was never a factor when you fell for him, so the ass is not what you need to worry about.  You need to focus on their personality.

Stepping Stones

It is so much easier to look from the outside in, than it is to look from the inside out.

To be able to watch your friend being visually de-clothed by the guy next to her and cringe, want to grab her and run, is easier than being the girl being looked at.  It's also easier to say, "don't give your name out" to your friend, than being the person in that situation and when asked "what is your name?"  you tell them.

And even though your friend knows that you think the guy is manipulative, that he will hurt her, she sometimes simply has to go through the whole "relationship" - whatever that may consist of - in order to move past that stone.

Yep, some "relationships" are just stepping stones to who we are meant to be; and who we are meant to be with - whether that be with someone worthy of a relationship, or by ourselves.  

SCORE for the BOLD

It really was a priceless moment, when at the bar, we halted right in front of my Dumbass, who had just gotten himself a drink.

He is so very arrogant. 

He says, "hello ladies," as though we are there to see HIM.  And he held his drink out in such a way, I truly could not keep myself from grabbing it.

But OH NO... along with arrogance comes selfishness.

He couldn't, wouldn't let go of that drink.  Goodness no.

So I merely grabbed the two straws in the drink and took quite a sip, as he and my friends watched.  You could see he had NOT one idea what to do, what to think or barely what to say.  He merely said, "it's Tanqueray Gin and Tonic," and walked back to his girlfriend.

My friends watched me in shock, surprise and ultimately, in humor.  Did she really do that?  

The "Joker"

Ever have a time, when 10 minutes after you've just said "Yes," you frantically search your mind for a way to get out of the situation, and yet, you just can't???

Well, that happened a couple weeks ago.  My friend had just performed on stage, with a belly dance.  It was amazing and beautiful.  Saying hello, good byes, etc., on the way out, a friend of her's who was talking to a young man, suggested he make a "play" for her.  Get to know her.  So he came outside, to where the Librarian, the News Reporter and I were standing, and immediately asked her "can I buy you dinner (across the street)?"  She responded, "Sure, can my friends go?"  And away the 4 of us went.

We weren't even across the street when he yells back over to the theater, "Mom, we're going over for dinner.  Come on over."

The 4 of us get inside, and the hostess seats us.  We are barely sat down, when "Mom," and her best friend show up.  Mom is asking "how are we all going to fit at this table?"

Um..... oh .... how do I get out of this??

Before my mind can even finish that question, we area whisked off to a table that will seat 6 of us.

Once seated, menus appearing, we have a good look at one another.

The young man who has asked my friend out, is a rather interesting looking young man.  Long narrow face with blond hair, equally thin body.  He gazes intently at my girlfriend; as the night would drag on, I could see him taking her clothes off with his eyes.  I suppose that is really what men do, especially in the beginning, however to watch it occur - is something else.

Mom, whose name I have forgotten, probably because she was so obnoxious, reminded me of an uneducated (if there could be)  Erin Brockovich, and very NEEDY. She had this hair that was everywhere.  Glasses.  Some little top on with literally a "Ribbon" as though she had won some award at the 4-H Fair that said "Birthday Girl," and a skirt with the top yoke being of a denim skirt and pockets attached to black gauze.

Kimberly, Mom's friend, had on a blue shirt that had Tinker Bell on it.  In addition, she had her hair up in an orange (to match part of her shirt) banana clip; what hair didn't fit into that, was held up with matching colored hair clips.  Her earrings were in a complimentary color (though within the colors of her t-shirt) and feathers.  She had on what I would describe as bike shorts under her very short shorts.  And she carried on, "Oh I have never eaten here...what's good?  Have you eaten here?  What do you recommend???"

This young man, as the night wore on... reminded me of Heath Ledger as the "Joker" in Batman.  And somewhat of Jim Carey, though his looks are rather neither.

The Joker, this young man, would spend his time gaulking at my friend, and having semi-serious discussions with his mom.  He would announce rather early in the dinner (before we even ordered) that he and his mom had spent a good 30 years not talking to one another, however they seemed to have recently reconciled.

And thank goodness for that.... I can't imagine WHAT dinner would have been like, otherwise.

The Joker would inform us that he had done 5 years for the State of Wyoming (his mom assured us that not all that time was at the State Penitentiary),  however he would clarify, if not for us, definitely for his mom, that he did do 5 years... for selling Meth.

Now he was building expensive tiled Thrones (bathrooms) for people.  That he liked to "Create."

I did take the lead in ordering; the kitchen was going to close shortly, they couldn't make up their minds because every so often a fight would erupt between them.  The Joker would order Scotch and Water; it made an impression on me as he was very particular as to the type of Scotch, and yet he didn't finish his drink.

The Joker's movements were that of a scary Jim Carey movie; definitely someone who has ADHD.  And has used meth?  He certainly spoke to my girlfriend, and when she wasn't looking - admiring what he thought she'd look like naked.  Though he'd have to flip over to his mom and her girlfriend, as though he was on a date with 3 women at once.

The News Reporter and I, made light talk with them, though basically all we could really do is watch, as this unfolded.

Kimberly, mom's friend, would ask The Joker, WHY her son referred to her as, called her and apparently everyone else, a "bitch."  The Joker would respond, "because you don't show him unconditional love.  Your love for him has conditions.  Do you ever JUST LISTEN to him?? All he wants is for you to LISTEN to him."  Well, Kimberly could barely just listen to the Joker; I really have no idea how she could "just listen" to her own son.  And I wanted to pipe up and say, "children that call their parents such names, probably 1) learned it from someone, such as a father/boyfriend/brother, and 2) were ignored as children by said people, 3) are very angry.  I didn't, mainly because I just wanted to eat dinner and get out.

The Joker's mom would ask, after the f-bomb was dropped a few times - by her son, to her; by her son, in front of her, by her son... "Would you say 'fuck' in front of your mom?"

HA!

My girlfriend said no.

I said, "I've been saying it since I was 4.  My mom's heard it from my mouth, many times."

I know Kimberly was shocked.

There would be some small talk, or short conversations about the show we had just seen, and if they performed every week, etc.  The conversations were short as invariably the Joker's mom would say something and he'd have to turn to her, and in a hushed shout, tell her .... basically... why... he thought (that she was an idiot).

Mom would share with the News Reporter and myself that she had 2 more boys, twins... one lived - where?  She would have to ask the Joker, where Nick lived.  The other son, he lived in California and is an eternal college student.  That's all he does, is go to school.

She would also share that she has NO IDEA how her kids got like they did.  Again, I wanted to say, "REALLY?  You are so needy at this ripe old age of??? and you don't know how your children...all 3 of them...got this way."

Now I do realize, that children can be different than parents expect them.  Whether they are gay, or an artist, or Magic Johnson or Led Zepplan, they can be very different.  Though seriously, when all 3 cut the tie and Mom is overbearing, it's hard NOT to say... "Did you every think about someone besides yourself?" to mom.

Mom would also complain that the State of Wyoming would move the Joker from the local jail for NO REASON...to another part of the State.  Then to another town jail; never telling her...after she traveled through a SNOW storm, had to get a tow truck (I didn't hear why, and I didn't ask), go through all this stuff (another time, the story would have been "I had to walk 20 miles in snow as deep as your ass, with only sandals on, wind blowing everything about and it was at least 50 below) only to find out that they had moved her son, and no one bothered to tell her.  And WHY?? I offered up a suggestion as to why, and Mom, she wanted none of it.  Nope, she asked "why did they have to move him away from her?" and yet "already had the answer."  Okay.

The meal would end with the Joker basically ignoring my girlfriend (he had, thankfully ignored me during this time - or maybe I ignored him as my system was a bit in overload, either way) so that he could, in this hushed yell, tell his mom off.  Tell her exactly what "true, real love" is - what it isn't.  He sounded just like a born-again Christian.... learning to reconcile his life and where he went wrong by doing drugs (what caused him to go down that route) as he told his mom, what LOVE is.  And What it Is Not.

My girlfriend wouldn't leave; even though the News Reporter skipped over to another table and I'm not sure he ever returned.  Maybe to say "thank you for dinner" because the Joker DID, in fact, buy us all (including Mom and Kimberly) dinner and drinks.  My girlfriend said, "I cannot repay rudeness with rudeness."

Um.... I can understand that.  Though she and I do disagree on this one.  As I said later, even a " 'good date' has to come to an end."

And so it was with a final, desperation, really, on my part...to get her away from him.... that I walked up to her (as she was finally standing at the table, trying to say good-night to him), and I said, "Girlfriend, I NEED you to drive me home."  (If she can't do this for herself, then I, as her wing man, can.  Remember that... a Good Wing Man does her best to keep her friend from harm)

My biggest fear, and I did express this to her and the News Reporter, as we left, was that he would come find her - where she worked. He showed up at her place of employment the next day....and then again this past week....here is the proof:

The Year of The Dumb Ass

As my boyfriend says, "the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A week ago, my friends and I, after having dinner at home, went out on the town.  Immediately upon landing in one known establishment, I saw both Dumbass D. and Dumbass Colemun.  Actually, it is the otherway around, I met Dumb Ass Colemun prior to even coming across Dumb Ass D.  

Dumb Ass D. however was apparently back together with his boring girlfriend - and together they make a very boring couple, however that is so NOT my problem.  I ignored them.  I also ignored Dumb Ass C.

It would be later that evening when Dumb Ass C came up to my girlfriends, while I was talking to some other interesting Smoke Jumper from Idaho, and have the gall to say, "Are the Cougars out on the prowl?" and Rock Star would reply, "Don't call us that.  And we do not want you."  In which he, embarrassed-ly so, shuffled away.

Last night, again... Dumb Ass and Dumb Ass.  Dumb Ass D came up to us, putting his arms around a few friends, saying "hello," or something to that affect - I commented "BORING," though I doubt he caught my drift... and the Librarian said, "Where's Jen?  she seemed to leave you in the dust," at which time he then scuffled away as well.  Thank goodness.   And hours alter, Dumb Ass C would block Rock Stars way (I was behind her, ignoring him and his dumb ass girlfriend)  and ask her if "she was still mad at him."  Clearly he wants to be important to us; and he'd have to be important to us for Rock Star or any of us to be mad at him.

Darlin', hate to break this to your ego... You are a DUMB ASS.  You are either really dumb (to turn down a beer drinking date with me, in which I was going to buy), or boring (all you seem to do .. IS DRINK), or just plain not all that interesting on any real level (if you think your cowboy looks are going to get you everywhere, you may want to start working on that lack of personality... especially when a 40 something woman bothers you).... if I could think of something to say so that Dumb Ass C. never spoke to us again, I would... however I just don't think he is that smart.

The more I change, the more you do not change.

The Librarian met a Dumb Dumb.  Actually Anita came across two really Dumb Dumbs.

Rock Star met a Dumber.

Last night, was kind of funny, from my perspective, as Dumb Ass D and his girlfriend (2 months ago they were broke up, and I could have cared less) - as they sat on their bar stools, they had troubles not looking at us and talking about us.  Couldn't be 100% sure they WERE talking about us, however I was 100% sure they WERE looking at us.  That we were important to them.  

And how can I not be so THANKFUL to not be with either of them.  I would be most embarrassed to be seen with either, in any self-respecting way.  And that is the only way I would be with either of them.

It's definitely been the Year of the Dumb Ass.  
And the more we change, the more they stay the same.

A Decent Pair of Shoes

I've embarked on this conversation with my girlfriend, twice now, in the past 6 months - of finding out that a guy has a girlfriend and yet, not able to let go.  Why is that?  Always before, once I found out he was (usually) married, or devoted (to some degree) to another, I let that door shut.  I didn't hope to run into him - actually I hoped NOT to run into him.  

My girlfriend replied, "Well, maybe part of it is now, is you are really kind of wanting someone, and when you find someone you felt was worthy, it's harder to let go because really, how many 'decent' options are in this town?"

I really think that is it.  I have been here for 8 years, and have come across three men in the past year, that I would deem worthy.  I asked the 1st guy out, and he said, "No thank you."  While he was very nice about it, did it in a way that didn't slam the door (i.e. see him out and there is no embarrassment or rudeness), I knew I wasn't going to put myself out there again.  If he wanted to, or wants to, he can ask ME out.  

The second and third guy arrived into my life about the same time.  The jury is still out on the 2nd guy.

The third.... as my friend said, you have to put it in perspective.

He's not available (he has a girlfriend) and therefore he is not a decent option.

(Unless you don't mind stealing men from other women)

*While I certainly wouldn't want someone to specifically go after a guy I was seeing, if he wandered, I would have to accept that he wasn't meant for me.  And perhaps the fact that I didn't get that chance,  to even date my 3rd crush is well - God's way of both saying "he's not meant for you and I am protecting you from that hurt."

Since he isn't available, he isn't a decent option.

Which goes back to A Decent Pair of Shoes.

 If the shoes don't fit,

 if the shoes hurt my feet,

 if the shoes cost too much money - 

as MUCH as I may want them -

as good as they may look on the shelf, or in the window,

they simply are not a decent option.

Just Like A Shoe

Yesterday afternoon, as I sat outside the place I exercise, and my crush ran by -

well, I felt slightly, odd.  

Out of place.

He has a girlfriend.

I have other interests.

And other interests that aren't having to be forced.

Later,

in my kitchen,

I thought of sitting in my car.

Watching my crush.

And I thought,

definitely

time

to

move on.

Takes me back to college days,

a fella asked me to dance.

My crush on him 

ignited.

I cruised,

hoping to run into him.

A glance,

a glimpse,

for a semester.

Only to find,

he was devoted to another.

If there isn't anything that I can,

blame,

find negative

about my crush

to get over him...

to move on...

I can

at least

remember

that feeling

of disgust.

At myself.

For not thinking that I have

more to do,

more to offer,

at least to myself,

than...

following.

Dare I say, stalking?

Hell!

How boring is that?

for me to sit, in a HOT car,

with a HOT dog.

Blah.

That should shake me loose.

And stop forcing something,

that hurts.

It's time to move on.

To walk away.

To put on the shoes that do fit,

if it's only my running shoes,

and escape.

Find myself.

My Interests.

And be fun.

And ALIVE.

And,

simply,

just,

be.

Trust....well....in God

I don't want to appear religious, though I do believe I have a strong faith.
I do believe that God is with me, always, even if He doesn't appear as I want him, or even when I want him to....or more so, exactly HOW I want Him to. 


A friend of mine recently recommended a book called "Plan B."  The book, from my understanding, talks about "what if God doesn't appear as you expect Him to, is He still around?"  And the answer (in the book) is yes.  And that God doesn't owe you anything - He gave us life.   Just because things aren't coming together as you want, you plan and pray about, that doesn't mean that God has left you.


Anyways, again this morning I found myself thinking of the 3 men that I've crushed on since... April? May?  And how, in a sense, two of them, kind of fell by the way side.  One of them, because I simply only had one-avenue of contact and that has ended.  The second, because he has a girlfriend (for one thing).  The third, I've maintained contact with - and do rather like him.


Is God's hand not in this?  Is He not partially responsible for how, for where I've met these men? and thus, for how life has played out??    And if I put my faith in God, put my Trust in God, then wouldn't it seem that if two men have fallen by the way-side, if only temporarily - though that remains to be seen, that I ought to Trust that??  Trust that God does know me, does know my needs, wants, desires, and what is best for me, and is providing?  


I certainly do have a fear in this relationship that is being developed, as the third man, is recently divorced.  And yet, it doesn't "feel" like the many other men I have met at this stage in their life.  Where I literally wanted to hurl at the thought of them holding my hand, again.  As though their very life depended on whether I was within running their hand through my hair or not.  His being doesn't feel desperate.


So shall I not, or Shall I, Trust....well... in God?  That He knows my needs, my wants, my desires and that He is there.  He is here.  He is working, in my life.

Humiliation

My friend who found herself in the Elevator Closet asked, prior to telling me what happened with Boy Toy, "can you top this?"


Honestly, I don't know.
I just know that I've had plenty of humiliating moments.


And every time I take a chance, I literally feel like I've never been in that place before.


As I blogged the other day about having asked 4 men out this year, 4 more men than I've ever asked out, I have asked men out before.


It isn't like this is something all that new to me.


However, if you want humiliation - read this.


When I was in college, I played in the band.
There was a REALLY cute drummer, and I thought he knew who I was.
At least.


So I sent him....Oh Dear God... a card...on,
you guessed it,
Valentine's Day.


Asking him out.


I was only slightly less shy as I was in high school.


And, I bet you guessed again,
He had NO idea who I was.


None.


He came into class the next day,
asking the Director who I was.


He never responded.
That was enough humiliation.


I did my best to avoid him for the rest of the year.
Only 5 days a week, every week for the next 3 months.


It would be the following year,
that we would accidentally come across one another.
Certainly, we were in band together, but Valentine's Day was so - so - long- ago.
By that time, for being 20, he handled it very well.


We never dated.
We never talked about my ... card.


I think of him, every now and then.
Sometimes with embarrassment.
Sometimes with just thankfulness.
Thankful that he handled it so kindly.

Going After What You Want - May Lead You to the Elevator Closet

My girlfriend recently had - what she felt to be - a humiliating moment in her love life.
She had fallen for her play thing.
It happens.


She had asked him,
weeks ago,
is this going anywhere?


He said, 
We'll talk Tuesday.
First Clue.


He was her first toy.
How was she to know,
it was the First clue?


In all honesty,
you don't know.
You never really know.


One night,
Two weeks,
More than Three Drinks later.....


He leaves without saying Good-bye.
Where did he go?
So she texts.


He's at home.
He's heading to bed.
Don't come over.


Damn it!
I need an answer.
I asked "is this going anywhere?"


Upon arriving,
it's dark.
Perhaps this is the Second Clue?


She's more than tipsy,
She's angry,
And she's going to get her answer.


Yet,
it doesn't look like
it normally does.


Usually there is a light,
a door open,
not, tonight.


So she takes the first door.
OOPSY.
The door shuts.


She hears a noise -
is it the neighbor?
Oh God.


She doesn't make a sound,
doesn't want to be found,
thinking "I really don't do this......


........... kind of thing."


A text is sent,
she gets his attention,
he comes out,


and finds her.
in......the......
Elevator Closet.


"What are you doing? Why are you here?"
he asks, 
"I told you not to come."


"Yes, but I want my answer."
To what? He asks.
"Is this going anywhere?"


In the Elevator Closet?
Probably the 3rd or 4th clue?
He responds, "you said you had another interest."


She replies, "I said,
I wouldn't pursue him,
If this is going somewhere."


You're in the Elevator Closet - Where can it go?


She's furious.
She's tells him she misses him.
He's in shock.


There they are,
in the Elevator Closet.
No one's ever been so honest
to say,
they've missed him.


"Well," he starts,
"You said you had another interest and I,
am seeing a porn star."


"For how long?  
I don't do this kind of thing!
And I miss you."


He replies,
"for a couple weeks."
GASP!


"Couldn't you have told me?
Couldn't you have been honest with me?," 
she asked.


"You said you had another interest and
I did tell you,"
he replied.


"When you said you were seeing a porn star,
I thought you were joking."
She answered, as she stands in 


the elevator closet.


She leaves,
with her answer,
finally gotten,


in the elevator closet.

Bases Loaded?

It's really difficult to remember exactly what I've gained when it feels like the bases were loaded and I struck out.


It's difficult to remember, to even think that the fact he already had a girlfriend by the time I asked him out, has nothing to do with me.  It isn't MY bad timing.  It simply isn't meant to be... now.  Maybe in the future, and maybe not.  


Like Dumbass, by the time he is apparently single, I don't want him.  He was a distraction.  And he distracted.  And that ship sailed a long time ago.  


A friend said, when I said I felt foolish - I knew that 1st base wasn't necessarily ready for the relationship that he so desperately wants (and by that I don't even think he is desperate in the desperate sense.... in the sense that he truly wants a relationship that is healthy, growing, giving and loving); I  haven't figured out how to approach 2nd base, and 3rd base - well - he has the girlfriend.  


My friend replied..."Not foolish.  Adventurous.   Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained!"


Well, what did I gain?  I'm not really certain.


My friend replied to that with "You have gained experience* and more knowledge of what you do want and that taking a leap isn't all bad."


Yes, I have gained experience.  I have asked how many men out, this year?? 4.  4 more than I have ever.  Which in turns gains confidence.  I've thought of ways to ask a man out.  Gains creativity.  I've gained experience in being around my "heart throb" without just bawling or doing REALLY dumb stuff (I've done some, though...Don't think I've been perfect on that note).  I've talked to more men than I have ever normally done.  I've gone where the boys are. I've been working out where there are BOYS and boys that actually talk to girls.  BIG step.  


Okay, so maybe this is looking better.  Maybe I have gained good stuff rather than just hurt feelings.  


I'm guessing that 3rd base was flattered that I asked him out.  


that's right girls, I know what I like and I know what I want.  I will go after what I want.  By GOD, this is my life.  And I am determined to make it a good one.  And I really don't care if I've blogged about this before....


the thing I realized this morning is that when there is pain in your life, IT DOES MEAN that something needs to change.  And we are the only ones that can change our life.  Us, and God.  And well, stupid people doing stupid things.  Though we control our feelings, not someone else.  


So if I've blogged about this before, clearly I need to learn from it.  Or accept that not all things go as we plan, as we hope.  That doesn't mean defeat.  


A few days after I started this particular blog, I did have some self-satisfaction that I HAD, at least, asked 3rd base out.  

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained.  Maybe next time I swing, I'll actually bring a runner in.

Revenge

Frankly, after spending a whole evening at a concert in which I spent more money than it was worth - 
my friend wanting to make an ex- sex buddy jealous, and so we cruised looking for guys?
My own thoughts of making another man "want" me, making him wish he didn't have his live-in girlfriend, 
I faced the thoughts of "revenge" this morning.
And what a real waste of time.
Truly.


We make ourselves miserable wanting some other person to wish that they were with US, instead of enjoying ourselves, enjoying the people around us.  Enjoying the event we apparently came to see.


And for what?


Whether THEY care or not, we most likely will never know.
Revenge? eh, sometimes you get it and sometimes the best "revenge" is simply to stop caring that you - well - ever even kissed the guy.
Sometimes you get it in a form of him making himself available to you at a dance, only to realize that you don't care that he is there.


Like love, "revenge" doesn't always come when WE want it.  Or in the form that we want it.


Truly, think about it.  If I have experienced many times when seeing an ex - 
an ex-husband,
an ex-boyfriend, 
an ex-lover,
an ex-crush....
and they do nothing for me,
in fact I may laugh at whatever tactic they do pull,
don't they, in fact, have times they feel that way about me?
And even if they don't, who cares?? 


I rarely quote the Bible; I certainly haven't in my blog.
Though this morning, I thought God's statement of "revenge is mine," and thus telling us, His people to not focus on revenge, isn't just about someone doing us "wrong."  It's also about times when life doesn't go the way we want it to.


Editor's Note:  Easier said than done.

Side Dish

A couple of my friends went to the neighboring town this weekend, as a favorite (very favorite) band was playing.

George, a fella my friend dated ever so briefly, showed up.  She had seen him about a month ago, she was friendly and he was rude. This weekend, she wasn't friendly (why should she be, he was an ass the last time she saw him) and he, he was "peacock-ing" around.  Kept making an appearance near their table, had a friend keep tabs on her.  Stood so close to her chair that he might as well have stood on it. 


I responded that George - or now known as Peacock - has a huge ego.  And that he, like many other young men, hadn't realized that they really are the "side dish."


A man mentioned to my friend and  I last weekend, that it really is ALL about the woman.  Make her happy and she will come back.  And he won't have to do ALL that much work.  


I get, it isn't all about "us" women.  There are times that we have to talk about whatever it is that the man wants to talk about.  And we, as women, are okay with that.  A successful Main Dish has learned to talk the talk of a man.  And make their stories more interesting.  And we are usually okay with that.  However, do not treat us like we are the Side Dish.  We are not. 


Certainly, we women, are interested in what you do, what you like to do and we want to know some of that up front.  That said, we don't care to discuss you and your stuff, all night.  Especially NOT the first few nights that we are with you.  You will get your moments, or moment here and there as the case may be, though you need to know that it is about us.


We need you to acknowledge that we are attractive.  Now whether that be, we are pretty, we are smart, we are funny, we are successful in what we do, we like our children, we make great coffee - we need to know that you find that in us, and that you want to know more about how we tick to accomplish "said 'attractiveness.'"  And yes, it is YOUR job, as the man, as the side dish to figure that out.  It's also your job as the side dish, to let us know what you can do for us.  What is in "this relationship" for us, NOT....SO NOT, what is in this relationship for you.  You start focusing on what's in this for you and only you, and you will find yourself on the table, alone.  


Trust me, you make the woman the main dish   - - you make her feel like a million bucks, let her dish shine and be pretty, and you can have the world.  You will be well fed, you will look good, you will appear to be the best looking side dish around.  Everyone will want to be around you. As long as you remember... a Good Woman is the Main Dish.  You, my friend, are simply the Side Dish.

Mixing Jello

My date went well; I had a very nice time.  I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed him.  And I look forward to our next adventure together - which will be in 2 weeks.


That said, my anxiety was that I wouldn't be attracted to him.  I've learned that you can talk to someone for ever, you can email and get to know them, however being WITH someone, in their presence is a whole different game. 


My other anxiety was that I'd have to give up my other Jello.


Well, I am attracted to him.
And I don't have to give up my other Jello, as I'm still a free agent.
I'm not attached to anyone.
And ANYTHING can still happen.


He can decide that he isn't ready for a relationship, even though he thinks he is.
He can decide that he isn't attracted to me.
He can decide that he wants to get back with his wife.  Or that he found someone else.
Anything is still possible.

MIXED Jello Feelings

A month ago, I had 3 fellas that I was kind of crushing on.


3 fellas that were maybe possibilities.


As life would have it, 1 fell away in the sense that my main weekly connection to him, ended.  I haven't seen him in person since. 


Another fella, I've gotten rather close to. I'm impressed by him in that he shows compassion for me in my situations, where I have really experienced that with - well I didn't experience that necessarily in my marriage.  We've talked about a lot of things, have laughed a lot... And tomorrow I will see him.  For the first time in over 20 years.  And for the first time as a date.  ACK! I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm mixed.


Because then the 3rd fella - who I slipped a note to, and then never heard...I heard early last week, and it was confirmed for me on Friday night, that he had a girlfriend. One friend said, "If he didn't bite over the beer, then he probably already had the girlfriend."  Another friend said, " yes, he probably thought ' Damn I would have a girlfriend right now.  F---."  


Except that he had come and worked out one day at the same time, and then a week later, he hung around the gym after the work out and didn't leave until just a little after I left (yes, I saw this and I noticed) - 


I had wondered about him, though I hadn't really worried about it. It didn't bother me until it was confirmed that he had a girlfriend.  Until I saw him, dressed in black, looking very handsome.


Even though I really enjoy the fella that I talk to, regularly. I do.  He's smart, he's funny.  My only real "but," is that he is just out of a marriage.  I acknowledge many things about it - in that in a sense, it wasn't a marriage for a long time.  Still....and of course... tomorrow, I'll see him.  And I'm nervous.  Nervous for all sorts of things.  A lot of anticipation.


Ah....then again, I have remainder "crush feelings" for Pinedale....a Jello Pudding box I never got to open.

Yes, James....

Yes James, there is a purpose for the "player."  The bad boy.
He is wanted, not just because he can't be caught, he can't be tamed;
he is sometimes wanted because he serves a purpose.
He serves a need.  
Certainly, and usually, he serves to be of a sex toy.
A chew toy.
He gives a woman back some of her power.
Makes a woman feel as though she is the most beautiful (a mature player) creature alive, which is useful and necessary after a bad relationship.  
Or a good relationship gone bad.
He's the chew toy for the woman who finds herself, alone, after a very long relationship - the only relationship she's ever known.
He brings back the spark in a woman's eyes, a spark she was sure was gone and dead;
He brings life to the party, when yes....we thought the world was over.
We thought no one could ever be attracted to us.
We thought we could be with no one else.
After all, we thought it was forever. 
And then it was over.




The Player, The Bad Boy.  
He serves a necessary purpose.

Hot Crush Gone Gone

Turns out, my Hot Crush broke up with his "girlfriend" about 2-3 weeks ago.
I think I really am kind of over him.
I still acknowledge that I had this crush, and see why I did -
though the thought of pursuing him? just isn't there.


When I said to my friend last night, I "wonder" why they broke up (mind you, I don't know that I care, though curious)..... she said "because they were BORED with each other."


Every time they were seen out together, they both looked BORED.  


It's only been 2 months - give or take - since I accepted that he was dating someone else and I had to let go of ....my crush?  Since it has always been my practice to move on as soon as I found out a guy I liked was unavailable. 


In the process I've found others to crush on....
Others far MORE worthy of my affections.


Others that I actually have contact with -
That something might just develop.

Love Will Find a Way

It's kind of turned into a depressing Memorial Day Weekend.  Then again, maybe it's not suppose to be a celebration weekend, as we "remember" those that died for our freedom, those that fought and fought hard for our freedom.....

It is rainy out and that is joyous! because we've been like Texas for the past 2 months and in the north, that just isn't normal.  We need moisture.

Three and a half weeks ago, I had 3 crushes.  I had been at that juncture before, 3 fish.  3 possibilities.  And seen them all disappear without me doing a darn thing.

How does that happen?  Why does it happen?

As I logged in, to write this morning, I re-read an earlier post - 2 posts ago.  About "No, We Can't be friends."  Of how sometimes friendship isn't possible.  It just isn't.  NOT because the 2 people involved aren't worthy of friendship, and even friendship with each other.  Just because it simply isn't in the cards.

A friend of mine asked the other day, when I was talking with her, about Tom.  Have I seen him?  No, not since a course I was taking that he was a presenter and Host for, ended.  Not because I haven't wanted to see him.  That was 3 weeks ago.  That was before so  many things.

My friend said, "well, if it's meant to be, then you will run into each other."

Certainly get tired of running into people that could be, only to not be.  Tired of my "poor" timing.  And yet a new part of me says, "it isn't MY timing, it's the timing of the universe."  Some people, some relationships, aren't meant to be.  Not because of you, not because of him.  Because God, the Universe, a Higher Power, has a different plan for you.

As another friend shared not too long ago:

Being single doesn't mean nobody wants you, it means God is busy writing your Love Story.


It still hurts.  It still gets tiring.  It still makes me wonder WHEN?

The First Flowers

May I always remember the first flowers that you sent me,
they weren't in a vase,
they weren't in water,
they weren't even on my door step.


They came as attachments,
in an email,
on the 8th of May.


They arrived like most flowers do,
as a surprise,
something least expected,
simple
and yet so pretty.


There they stood,
in their natural habitat
somewhere in Northern Montana.


Simple,
lovely,
very pretty.
My heart warmed
a smile arose from my mouth,
I thought how sweet
how pretty,
how...WOW!

May I always remember the first flowers that you sent me,
after I hold flowers in my hand from you,

and not compare,
not wonder,
not question,
if a flower shows up,
again,
online.

"Just Friends"

No.  Sometimes we can't be "just friends."  Sometimes life just dictates that.  It's a good thought, it makes everyone feel better that we'll just "be friends."  The truth of the matter is... if there was a hope of something more, or something more occurred, being "just friends," is a work in progress.  And sometimes it just doesn't happen.


My blog from yesterday morning, I questioned whether to share it.  Because I don't mean to hurt this man, or his wife - should they get wind of it.  There is that risk. At the same time, only this man, his wife and myself, know who they are.  And I won't share who they are.


By writing this out, I woke up with a more solid clarification of what has happened.


What has happened is that I have, through no fault of my own, lost a friend.  I cannot be "just friends" with this man, even though on my part, all we have been is... "just friends."  Telling me that he wants to remain friends, wants to be my "best friend," is so he can go about his life - trying to figure it all out - without hurting me.


I truly believe that he does not want to hurt me or his wife.  However, no, we can't be "just friends."  We can't be friends.  At least not until he comes to grips with 1) his feelings, 2) why he is having these feelings and 3) what he is going to do about them.  And he may never.

The Kind Heart

The Kind Heart,
hears with love,
sees with compassion,
feels
and, deep down
knows....
this too, will pass.


The Kind Heart,
while taking some 
satisfaction
in
your discomfort,


truly knows,
in time,
that it wishes you no harm.


It doesn't take pleasure,
true pleasure,
in knowing 
that you are,
uncomfortable.


That you are,
unhappy.


If you are playing,
it doesn't necessarily,
with time,
wish you bad,
just
maybe,
that you,
go.....
away.


If you are immature,
it doesn't take
pride
in 
watching you
grow up.




It cares, even when you don't deserve it
It feels, even when it doesn't want to,
It knows, deep down,
that it wishes you well,
even when it doesn't want to.


That is,
The Kind Heart.

Unexpected Turn of Events

I've been friends with a man.  And his wife. For about a year.
In December, this man told me that he was in love with me.
At that time, he wanted me to consider running off with him.
Even though his wife would get the house.
And he was talking to Social Security about retirement.

I told him that while I was flattered, I was not in love with him.
That I would "try" not to hurt him -
And somehow was able to convey to him that I wasn't going to fall in love with him,
Nor was I going to run away with him.

For the next month, I basically avoided him.
It wasn't all that hard, as it was Christmas time and things were going on.
I wanted to talk to him, and reiterate that I just wanted to be friends.
That I liked both him AND his wife, and
had NO intention whatsoever to break them up,
be part of their break up,
and should they break up,
I would not be there to pick up any pieces.
I was their - both his and her - friend.
Nothing more.

Life worked its way, and in time, without completely losing touch with them,
he and I met for coffee.
He told me he had had a rough patch there, had told his wife everything,
she had basically "counselled" him....

I told him, "good, because as much as I loved him,"
I was not in love with him,
and was never going to run away with him.
That I could not hurt his wife, like that.
And deep down, I didn't think he wanted to hurt her.

Four months later, I get this message.
Please meet with me.
I have something I need to share with you.

Knowing partially what this about, I went.
Slightly irritated,
though not certain why.

Turns out, he is in love with both me and his wife.
He doesn't want to hurt his wife,
though stating, she'd get the house.

He doesn't know why this is?
He has been praying about it.
Trying different churches,
Trying to seek solace in God,
Trying to find an answer.
WHY is this happening?

He said that his wife asked him that morning if he was going to leave her.  He said, "no." (thank goodness)
He did confide in her his feelings.
He told me that she had shared times that he had done certain things that made her jealous and angry.
Though her feelings were not at me.
That she liked me.
That she knew I was not out to "take her husband." (oh, thank goodness....  Because honestly, if he left her for me, I'd be siding with her)

He wants me to set the boundaries.
Basically he cannot.
He said that if he couldn't get a handle on it, he would go to counseling...and
Should he go to counseling, he wants ME to be there with him.*

He also wants to be MY best friend.
He saw a post of mine, in which I arranged to have lunch,
with another man.
He was immensely jealous.
Did I know it made him jealous?

Um, no.

He tells me, we can have lunch together.

Well, we can, though not at this juncture.


I can't very well be your friend, if you are in love with me and married to someone else.
There needs to be that separation.
And no, you can't be MY best friend.  It isn't how it works.
You are to be your wife's best friend.  FIRST.


We part, on "good" standings.
He doesn't want me to drop him.

What else am I to do?
His feelings aren't wrong, it's what he does with them.
And I can't be around him in the same manner as we have been, because that will just create more intense feelings - and feelings that I am not encouraging.
Nor do I return. 
I truly feel like he is my TWIN.  I bounce off of him like a sibling.  Nothing more.
I do love him though it is not romantic.


And he said that.  He said, "You have made it perfectly clear that you do not return my feelings nor are you going to run away with me."  Good.

* Later when I'm talking to a friend about this...she said, "IF he goes to counseling, most likely the counselor will want to see him, perhaps his wife - and it will be UP to the counselor as to whether you are there or not.  Though probably not."  THANK GOODNESS.  Why should I have to be there? I'm really not a part of this.  I've done NOTHING but be a friend to them.


My friend with whom I confide in, asked me questions about this man.  He is older.  Mid-60s. In the past year, he was "forced" into early retirement.  Basically the company he was working for fired him.  While he hated the position, or came to hate the position, he had been so busy and was employed that he couldn't keep up.  Now he has too much time on his hands and, is, lonely.

My friend said, as men age, and their sexual capabilities diminish, they sometimes seek outside stimulation.  Nothing unnatural about it.  We as people, notice others of the opposite sex (or others in addition to our spouse/partner) and will continue to do so as long as we are alive.  My friend also said that most marriage survive it, as the men don't usually develop crushes on this "targeted" person.

Also, most men don't have as much time on their hands to then focus on ....well fantasies.

I feel relieved that he probably isn't truly "in love" with me, even though he feels that he is.  I can fully understand this and it helped me greatly.  She also suggested that I become "social" friends with them, rather than maintain the close friendship that I have had.

However, it kind of makes me mad.  Because now, another friend - contact - resource - has been removed, if only temporarily - though I don't know for how long, from my life.  This takes MY FRIEND away from me.


I realize that it isn't anything that I've done wrong, nor is it something that he has done wrong, though he does need to figure it out - mostly for the sake of himself and his wife, and their marriage.  I will go on....