A Kept Woman! Who? Me???

I never really thought about it.
Growing up, I wasn't the pretty one, I wasn't the cute one, I wasn't the one with all the personality that just drove people MY way....
I was tall, awkward and both very shy and quiet.
I wanted to be noticed, though I had nothing (and I do mean, nothing) to say.
So needless to say, I didn't dream about my wedding.
I didn't even think I would get married until into my 30s or even 40s.
I thought I would do more travelling,
I thought I would be a successful business woman.
Of some kind.
Amazing that I had that THOUGHT (successful business woman), since I didn't even get to wear high heels.  At all.
Since I didn't even have a body for cute clothes or dresses.
Eh, I did gain some clothing style in high school.
Dare I say I even brought some trends to my high school?
Yep, I do have memories of wearing stylish dresses, heals, and being someone to LOOK at.

Throughout the summer, my thoughts were easily that when I "re-married" I would continue to work my own business.
And I don't doubt that I would.
Even as I write this tonight, after today's true thoughts.

My true thoughts were that YES, I think I could be a kept woman.
Assuming that my significant other - yep, we'd be married -
made A LOT of money.
Because I don't want to be married and poor.
Did that.
Not doing it again.

Yes, I could wear the pretty, fitted, stylish suits.
Or fun flashy jeans.
I could keep a fairly neat house, with a big workroom for my many projects.
Make dinner, plan parties, behave at the "proper social" events.

I would love to go knit with the ladies, and belong to boards and be a "worker bee" for the many charities or non-profits.

I wouldn't be the snob that some women, well, just are.
I would be approachable.

I guess though, I always thought I would be BORED (and possibly highly irritated) out of my mind, pretending that I liked the other socialites - which is why the thought of being a wife to such a man, never truly stayed in my mind for any length of time.  So my high income earner lover and friend would have to accept that I am who I am and if someone annoys me at a party, they might very well know it.

I would just be me....only I wouldn't have to worry about bringing home any bacon.  I would just have to worry about setting off the smoke alarm when I fried it.

I think I could handle that.

Closing Down the Shack, Just like That!

I was out on Friday night with some friends, we were discussing men and how to meet them.  My friend JI is in a relationship with someone that she went to school with, however, 32 years later they became reaquainted at her Uncle's funeral.  So thus - no limits to where or how you meet someone.

Later on that night, I overheard a couple talking.  I didn't know if they were dating, on a date, married; I just saw their faces, their body movements and heard a few comments.  They themselves made me want to never date again.  They looked unhappy, the man, looked angry.  The one comment I overheard him say was, "he said 'I will never let another man raise my kids.' "  While I have no idea who he was talking about, I kind of smirked to myself.  If you don't want someone else to raise your children, then do everything you can to keep your marriage together.  And if need be, do it FOR the kids.   Yes, that means, stop drinking, stop gambling, stop thinking "its greener on the other side."  Its never greener on the other side; its life.  Stop yelling, stop abusing, STOP BEING MEAN.  Work on yourself for a change.

As soon as he said those words, and I had my thought, I seriously wanted to "close down my 'dating' shack....and yes, just like that."

Not because I think all men are like that, not because I think my next significant other will be like that (because I'd rather be alone)... maybe because I am taking some time to work on myself.  Do some things really for myself - art things.  Get back into the art of my life, and doing creative artistic things that feed my soul.

Closing down the shack, just like that!

Dreams

I've always believed that dreams were a way of telling you something, of your mind working things out that you couldn't work out while awake.

I've had reoccuring dreams about being married and moving into town, making a better life for myself.  And then as life is good in town, I move back to the ranch.  For a while, life is grand and then it slowly gets controlling and awful and I search for where I lived in town, for my freer life in town. 

Lately, though, since I've been back from my holiday vacation, I have had very evil dreams.  Dreams that are scary.  I can't help but think there is a correlation to the fact that while away, I didn't check my online dating sites once....I did fear coming home to an "empty" life though I didn't have bad dreams.  Now I am checking on my online dating sites, Angler wants to withdraw from communications, and my dreams are very evil. 

Remember the lesson about my Rodeo Date - he seemed good "on paper," "on line," however in real life, he was not.  And so I apply that lesson to this - what seems is not always true.

Bit the Bullet...Twice!

I just bit the bullet, not once, but twice. 

First, I emailed Angler and asked, "are you telling me to get lost, or are you just saying you're a bit busy at the moment?"  I told him I wouldn't respond until I heard from him, and if it was a positive response, I would limit my emails to him.  Afterall I do have socks to knit!

As soon as that email was sent, there was another fella I might be interested in from Lander, named Donnie.  Dare I look at him?  Afterall, he could be related!  So I looked.  Bit the bullet a second time.  Cute.  Had a kilt on in one picture, definitely could be related.  Who knows???

Pray

This afternoon, as I lay in corpse pose at the end of a rather difficult yoga class (lots of planks, lower planks, updog), I thought, "I love this yoga place. I love the teachers, the space, the breath, the atmophere. How will I find it elsewhere (as I ponder a move, closer to my nephews)?" No sooner did I think that, and two thoughts came to mind:

1) Give it to prayer
2) Trust the process

Just as I trusted my gut when I first started yoga at tKS, wondering if I would really like it, if I could afford it....IF, all these IFS, it felt right, so I did it.

And it continues to be right. So I must continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, giving my concerns up in prayer, and trusting the answer. Trusting the process.

Lesson Learned

My girlfriend has said many times throughout my dating journey that if I learned something, then whatever trial and tribulation, was worth it. Sometimes I question that.

Some question my equalibrium for saying that despite the way it ended, I am thankful for my marriage. Bill taught me a lot, and I don't know if some of the things that I learned, I would have - had I not been in those situations.

I was also introduced to one great song writer - John Prine. I listen to his music almost daily and just love it. I hear his songs throughout my life. In fact I have even had conversations with A-ND regarding John Prine. I dare say, there probably aren't A LOT of men out there that I am interested in that have heard of John Prine, or like him.

And while I realize that I am who I am, in a large part due to myself and my choices, I do believe I am a stronger person for having been married to Bill and to have lived on a ranch.

While at times, I am angry for maybe the place I am today, having given 15 years to someone, to a place, and gotten very little (monetary) for it, the experiences, the people I met - the people I know - the people I do love, the lessons learned: INVALUABLE.

Dense in comparison to Baking

Refering to my earlier post, take baking. The recipe says "butter, softened." So does that mean "SOFT," or "just softer than it was when you took it out of the refrigerator"? How do you know??

I'm tempted to shoot Angler back a message... "I'm not dense. Just so I'm clear in what you are saying- is this a 'get lost' message?" Do I have the nerve to hear the answer? Or should I go on about my life not caring?

Dense-ity

UGH! OH! BUMMED! Got to...what?

I went away for the holidays and for 2 weeks, I did not check any of my online dating sites. It wasn't that it didn't cross my mind, because it did. Something just said, "don't go there." And it was nice. So very nice.

I told my girlfriend who has been through all of this with me, and she responded, "yes and you seem happier for it."

I even had a sense that I wasn't coming home to "anyone" online.

My life has filled up, is kind of filling up - and I've been happier even in the past 2 weeks than I have been in such a LONG time, why do I think I need to mess it up with a man?

So within a few days of being home, Angler contacted me. Even though he says he likes dry humor, he did miss a few of my dry comments. However for him to send me an email saying..."Sorry can't keep up....do learn how to fly fish though, you are surrounded by holy water ... a few to many other things goin on that (require) my full attention."

I'm not a dense person, though I can be.
It isn't as though I really know him, though I'd kind of like to.
He's in my vacinity, and I'm attracted to him.
He's in a good age range, he seems sensible and fun.

Does his email suggest, "I'm not into you"? or does it mean "Right now I am just too busy with things that I'm sorry I can't:
1) write often or
2) pursue this relationship"

What does his email really mean?

On one hand, he could have easily just walked away and not said a thing. I wouldn't have kept emailing him, though I suspect another woman might have.

Would his email matter if my life was filled with attractive, interesting men that were attracted to me?

Moving On Moving Forward

As I sit at my computer, I do recall my post right before Christmas of what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I visited with a friend yesterday, telling her that I am happy with life. It isn't perfect, however I just am happy with me. And I am going to enjoy today. I am going to enjoy my life here, where I live, while I'm here.

Where it has come about, I'm not sure. Although I think, I am finally letting go of the baggage that has lingered from, because of, due to, the end of my marriage and my divorce. Though it is more than that.

When my (male) friend suggested last spring that I would probably be happier if I had someone in my life to share life with - such as a significant other - while I couldn't deny that, I also stated - finding someone is not easy. It wasn't easy 20 years ago, and it is NO EASIER now. At times throughout my dating life, I have even been angered at my friend - its as though his suggestion and my acting on it, has unleashed a part of me that throughout most of the summer, I was UNABLE to control.

It wasn't as though I was a bunny on acid, or on fertilizer pills - my emotions were just so difficult to control. And I didn't have any peace to me.

I don't know, nor am I going to spend any time speculating, as to if I had started "dating" a year ago, if I would feel as I do now.

I'm guessing I wouldn't feel as I do now. Just like the snow in the winter, there is a season for everything.

Anyways, I am cleaning my sewing room and EXCITED about future sewing projects. I have been this excited in a long time. Furthermore, I have realized that even if I don't have a date, or I don't have outside plans, I have a lot of things to do around my house....and for once I actually want to do them. I want to get them done.

So,
then,
perhaps,
my friend's suggestion
came in due time.
And meeting different people,
talking with different men,
online,
on the phone,
in a text,
having them try to Facebook Friend me,
has definitely shed new light.

It has brought both the light and the darkness,
the rain and the rainbows,
understanding and learning,
humor and tears,
it feels great to be able to move on.

To move away, let go of the baggage of my marriage, the baggage of my divorce,
and know that I am working at changing my life.
Small changes - getting rid of a green mug that doesn't fit MY life.
Small changes - looking at something differently.

Holding on to things that I truly do feel - that my ex-husband deserves to be happy.
That my ex-husband deserves a mom that will support him in his choices. Perhaps she'll question if things are right, to make him think.... give him a different view.... but stop, N, for being such a bitch. He's married, now support him. For once.

Yes I do feel that.
And I feel that love is on its way to me.
In the meantime, I am moving forward.
And I am going to enjoy today.
I am going to enjoy MY life.

Lessons of Others

The Texan seemed to have bit the dust between me going to Texas and being gone for 2 weeks. Prior to that, when it seemed that he bit the dust before we ever even met, my friend said, "he can't, he doesn't have a nickname!"

Now while I don't have a blackbook that contains nicknames and real names, nicknames do help as I read through my posts, helps me to remember the guy. Perhaps that is why men have "blackbooks" of women. So they can remember who we are?? (now that is funny!)

OH... Shit. Cajun just sent an email. I just got notification. That can be read another time.

I honestly am in shock of how many men I've met that have been married....more than once. I don't know how to get past that. "So what happened to wife 1? and wife 2?"

What...there was wife 3?
Oh my.
Yes, multiple marriages seem to be a theme with older men.
The positive view is that they weren't married to all of them at the same time.
Group sex....not for me.
Sharing a man with his children will be difficult enough, much less another wife?
NOPE.

It isn't that I can't get past the multiple marriages - well, I need to get past it.
I need to dig deeper.
I need to ask more questions, though by not....and letting things "be as they are," I do get answers.

Oh my gosh, as I write this, I think one of my very favorite men, had been married a few times before he "got lucky." Wow...an eye opener!!

Hm....This blog started out "Multiple Marriages."

The one truth I feel is that LOVE: To love and to be loved, is simply one of those things we all want.

Cajun......Toast

I reconnected, if ever so briefly on Sunday with Cajun.
A fella I met this past summer.
Definitely a sexy guy.
He's looking for a like soul,
I don't think I am that one.
I feel that to say he is a free spirit,
is somewhat of an understatement.
Or maybe just a wrong view.
Perhaps ...immature?

Interestingly enough,
he was actually willing to come over to Sheridan
yesterday and today.
I put the halt on it.
It would have been a bootie call.
Still, though, a 4 hour trip for him.
And something he was unwilling to do a few months ago,
drive further than 1 hour.
At the same time,
I really don't know him.

Deep down,
someone wanting to....
willing to.....
drive 4 hours
in snow
in cold COLD COLD weather
for sex
just
plain
scares
me.

Daily ....Weekly....

And so after catching a friend up last week, on the men I've met, she said, "you should write a book." Perhaps I will....

And that's led me to think, I need to blog, if not daily, weekly. Since December 6 - the men I'm communicating with, that I've "experienced" (and that's not necessarily sexual) have changed.

So keep in touch!

Eat, Pray, Love

It is a new year! And the new year started off GREAT!! I was in Cheyenne, with my sister and her family - J & J, my two favorites. We brought in the new year with my sister's best "girl" friend and her family, playing "Just Dance" on the Wii (I did win - we set up a bracket). While in Cheyenne, I had a pedicure with Kim and Kori, and had my nails painted Blue for the Denver Broncos.

Prior to New Years, I spent a week in Texas with my mom. I saw my brother and his family for Christmas. I really enjoyed my time in Texas.

One of the things I did, while in Texas, was take a Bikram Yoga Class.

Bikram Yoga is a "hot" yoga, in which the class is 90 minutes long, in a room (with carpet) of 95-105' at 50% humidity. Bikram is a series of 26 poses - and thus, every time you go, you do the same poses in the same sequence. You also get more flexible and are able to do the pose, better each time. Or as your body allows. (Yes, all this does tie into my dating)

I certainly was nervous about going; though a student/teacher told me my goal was mainly to just stay in the room, even if I was in child's pose or corpse pose the whole time.

I was amazed, in the end:
~ I did all of the poses.
~ I did spend a couple extra moments in corpse pose.
~ I stayed in the room.
~ And I was in awe of how our body, different movements, moving away from a hot mat, can cool the body.
~ If I never had experienced how I CAN control my breath, I certainly learned to focus on it in this class.

It was inspiring to feel that yoga, truly, answers all of my needs:
~ exercise that works my heart rate (different poses brings the heart rate up),
~ works flexibility, as well as strength.
~ Works my core, works my mind, yet I don't have the time, the ability to think bad thoughts. ~ ~ ~ ~ Bad thoughts will disable any balance, and balance is different each day.
~ is peaceful.
~ has music
~ is challenging
~ helps my sinus'
~ helps my thyroid, my intestines, my insides...

And it was at the end of this class, as I laid on my mat in Corpse Pose that I realized, I was in my own "Eat, Pray, Love" life.

Eat was when I was married - I did eat more than I do now, I certainly COOKED more, and tried different foods (within my cooking) when I was married.

Pray is right now. Right now I am finding my balance.

Love is in the future......whether that is today, tomorrow, 3 months, I don't know. I am on the journey.....

Eat, Pray, Love....