Eat, Pray, Love ....and Pray Some More!

Had a pretty good thing going with a fella that I really do like - okay, I love him.  And I did let him know it, since he recently changed the dance steps.

It's really a mixed bag.  It's like the song changing from "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles to "Try" by Pink, literally in the middle of the dance.

I got involved with him, knowing full well, that he needed time to process his divorce, his life.  And yet, I did follow him.  I let him lead.  And now the dance has changed, and I find myself - well - probably like others, except again, it's a mixed bag.

Others have dealt with this, when their spouse is either in a bad accident and no longer know them or go through something traumatic and suffer a deep depression*.  The difference, we aren't married.  I could walk away.

At the moment, I can't walk away and yet I ....sometimes wonder.  Am I not the crazy one for staying?  Hasn't life dealt me enough hardship?  Haven't I taken on enough bullshit?

He went, from "loving me" to pretty much telling me he wasn't in love with me and just wanted to be friends, if that was possible.  Um....huh?  Um....okay....um, what?  Um... huh? 

While he hasn't admitted it, and I'm not even sure he's aware of it, or able to, all of his actions - or his words and responses point to depression.  A severe depression as well. 

I have some friends that tell me to say "Fuck you, get out," and yet I can't.  Though sometimes, part of me, really wants to.  Basically I want the Mr. R that I know to come back; what if he doesn't?  As I work through things today, I still want him to come visit me.  I want him to do stuff (no, not JUST that) with me; what if he doesn't?

I have been where he is - struggling for normal, struggling to find himself, when one just isn't there. 

While it is true, unless you are happy with yourself, you really can't be happy with another.  One said, "well if he hasn't learned how to be by now, he might not."  TRUE.  If all the 46 years of his life, he had been single.  But he hasn't.  He has spent 20 years of his life married.  Devoting himself to his wife and his family while still trying to maintain some of himself. 

If you haven't devoted yourself to another for even 5 years - where you believe that the two of you are committed to each other and you are building a life together that goes in the same direction, then I would be surprised  that you understand.

You do loose yourself, and then when someone literally rejects you after ALL you have given -

My first year of actually divorced - not the year I got divorced, but the year after.... I would have PAID for someone to come and read in my house.  Or anything.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to know I wasn't alone.

I remember dating people that were so different from my ex-husband, thinking THAT was the route. And putting myself in relationships that were so unhealthy for me, just so someone would love me.  And no one did.  Furthermore, I didn't love me.  At times, I didn't even think I could be a mother to my dog and cat; I wondered how people with children did it.  Would it have been easier?

The only two answers I know at the moment....or maybe three..... or maybe two...
1) Mr. R's actions were not meant to hurt me; despite him acting like an asshole, he is not.
2) It hurts to talk to him, it hurts not to talk to him. 
3) I have to take care of me first.
4) He may not know it, I do believe he is chasing grief and peace.  And for him, right now, those two are the sides of the same coin.  He can think it is a person, and maybe it is - it's just not the person he is thinking.  It isn't a person that is separate from him, it is himself.
5) Embarking on this friendship - with the possibility that it comes back to the intimate relationship that at one time we were building together - may be one of the more difficult things I have ever had, no, chosen to do in my life.  

So maybe I have 5 answers. 

The Playa

My girlfriend has moved up from being all about the butt. 

This next fella is attractive, has personality, and probably a butt, too.... and I think she really likes him, however, for all practical purposes, he seems to be,


(drum roll)....

A Playa.

He'd actually be perfect for what she is wanting right now.  
And that is someone who doesn't want commitment, doesn't even want 24/7 in any way, who wants to go have fun.

However she cannot share.
I'm not saying she ought to.
She has admitted to me, and to other friends, she just isn't "that girl."
She is too insecure.
And that is okay.
Though it is too bad.

While I think that he is "playing" now, I don't necessarily think he will always be.

Some men play, always.
Some men play, when you aren't the right one.
Some men play, because they can.
Some men play, until something changes and they change.
Some men play, because they've been married and now are divorced and WOW, all these women want him. Who to choose from? 

A playa, isn't necessarily a jackass.
He isn't necessarily someone you don't want your children to meet, or that you wouldn't take home for Thanksgiving Dinner.

You just have to realize that you may not be around when he decides to play a different game, and settle down.   And be okay with that. 

You can play his game, or not.

COFFEE and Finding Your Complimentary

I think it was after my former brother in law divorced, that my mom said to me (as we were discussing these events), it is important to marry, "your compliment."  In other words, it's beneficial to marry someone that will compliment you - together you two bring out the very best ONE person.

For many many people, making coffee is as simple as scooping coffee into the machine, adding water and turning on the coffee maker.  Out comes a great tasting cup of coffee.  Not, so much, for me.

Seriously.

Today's pot I made with half the normal water - which I knew going into the process, but it wasn't until it was dripping that I remembered that I did NOT cut the amount of coffee put in.  

My current fella, while he makes some strong coffee...it tastes good, I can add cream and sugar and still really enjoy it.

Find your complimentary person.

The Pit Bull

I'll keep this short and sweet.... sarcastically she says.

I called my ex husband, he wasn't there.  I left a message, asking him to call me.

Later that night, I received a TEXT.  From his (new - about 3 years now) wife.

"It told me that my ex husband would not be able to return my call for at least a couple days.  If it was an emergency, to let HER know and SHE would pass on my message."

HUH?

1) I didn't call HER, nor did I give HER my cell number or "authority" to text me.

2) Did he EVEN get my message?  (It's been 10 days and I haven't heard from him)

3) IF IT had been an emergency, He really would not be the first person I would call - and if he was the person that I needed to call, I would not call her to pass on the message.  Hell, I would call HIS mother.

Careful of who you do hook up with, you do not want to be married to the "guard dog," let alone one that reminds others of a pit bull.

The Facade

I am considering (highly) contacting my ex-husband.  This will be the first time in, heavens, years.  At least 5 if not more.  Wow, where did the time go?

There was once a time that I thought it would never end.  That he would be on my mind always.  That, in some ways, I would never love another, like him.  

I have one last .... need.  I won't go into it,  here.  It's very private for me.  However 9 years ago, he offered something and I didn't take it because of my own pride.  Well, I'm swallowing my pride.

My question, my reason for contacting him is a thought I've had. And until Tuesday, I honestly thought "you can't."  However I shared it with another, my "thing," this last piece of my history really that I want to put to bed.  That is haunting me and I don't want to carry it anymore.  It is the last thing.

In some ways, I suppose my own facade.

That point, "my own facade," came shockingly, just now.  This post actually began about him.  

In some sense, he has moved on, quite a bit.  I don't doubt that, I never have.  He married approximately 3 years ago.  To a woman who really does have her own issues.  

It isn't that the family doesn't like her, nor is it that it appears she doesn't like them.  I don't know the issues, nor do I care.  I find them interesting, when I am around all of them.  This division; this woman controlling my ex-husband in a manner so surprising to me.  I never did. It was always his mom, controlling him.

Up until he ran into this "new wife," he would at least speak to me, in public.  For about a year, that hurt, his behavior towards me.  I wondered "what did I do?"  And then with time, and help from friends, I realized, I did nothing.  It was, it is, her.

SHE HAS and he has allowed her influence to make it so HE HAS, an issue with the ex-wife, who has absolutely nothing specifically, nothing purposely to do with them.

SHE HAS issues.  Simple as that.

And as I ponder calling him, wondering if she will come into the picture - even though it isn't about her - it's between him and I - it dawned on me,

his behavior, when I am around, could very well be a facade.

It isn't that his feelings for me have changed to something bad, and it isn't necessarily that he is letting her control him and how he behaves.... it is that he, may very well, be embarrassed ?  that he got into a relationship in which he again, has to bow to another.  That in order to make this relationship work, he has to pretend and allow her to call the shots??

Ah... Valentine's Day

Again, it's Valentine's Day.

Another day, we hope, we pray, we desire....

someone of "our" interest will show us 

they are interested.

This year, for the first time in 10 years,

I have a Valentine.

However, he lives 5 hours away.

I won't be spending the day with him.

The mixed emotions of the whole deal is that

I believe every day out ought to be Valentines' Day.

It shouldn't just be one day out of the year....or maybe two...

Birthdays, that we bat our eyes, dress to the nines and 

share "sweet SOMETHINGS."

However to have someone that I rather like kissing,

holding hands, and just hanging out with...

and yet, not be able to kiss, hug, or be with,

is,

kind of sad.

I will miss not having him here.

The flip side of the coin is,

my beloved "crush" from this time, 

last year.

He's with the girl he was dating

a year ago.

That's nice, isn't it?

Though they did break up for a short amount of time,

and it would be, it seems,

after they got back together,

that he shared with  her,

how I chased him,

a year ago.

And I did.

I asked him out,

I flirted with him,

and with time,

I even 

Made

him

let 

me

take

a sip

of 

his

"expensive"

drink.

The look on his face,

Priceless.

Especially since

by then,

I had

NO

NONE

interest in him.

I laugh

when I see them.

Because whenever they think I am looking

specifically

AT THEM,

they mesh into this deep throat kiss.

I have that affect on them.

So I think I'll put on my happy face

for Valentines Day

even though my true crush

is 5 hours away,

I will see if I can spark someone else's passion.

Bat my eye lashes,

and move on down the road!

The Maggot

And so it is, the fella that was once a stepping stone, has finally earned himself a real nick name.

THE MAGGOT

We'd already given out the name of "Cockroach" to someone, what was left? I'm sure there is more.

Though like the stepping stones, some things have been learned.  Surprising things, even.

Said friend, states how she likes a "tight ass."  It's all about the butt for her.

Frankly I don't give that part of the human body a lot of thought, unless of course it is fat and unattractive.

I think she, unknowingly, to her, has moved "up" in her world.

Because with the Maggot, 1) we never really saw his butt.  The only time his butt was presented in public, was when he was working as a waiter; the rest of the time,  2) His butt was covered up by "Painter" pants.  Painter pants are rarely tight.  3) That part of his physique was also covered up by a too-large t-shirt that he always wore loose.  It was never tucked in.  So frankly, we never saw his butt.

His personality:  total ass.

So the next time my friend says, "yes, but I am a 'tight ass' person," I am going to point out - Maggot's ass was never a factor when you fell for him, so the ass is not what you need to worry about.  You need to focus on their personality.