"Just Friends"

No.  Sometimes we can't be "just friends."  Sometimes life just dictates that.  It's a good thought, it makes everyone feel better that we'll just "be friends."  The truth of the matter is... if there was a hope of something more, or something more occurred, being "just friends," is a work in progress.  And sometimes it just doesn't happen.


My blog from yesterday morning, I questioned whether to share it.  Because I don't mean to hurt this man, or his wife - should they get wind of it.  There is that risk. At the same time, only this man, his wife and myself, know who they are.  And I won't share who they are.


By writing this out, I woke up with a more solid clarification of what has happened.


What has happened is that I have, through no fault of my own, lost a friend.  I cannot be "just friends" with this man, even though on my part, all we have been is... "just friends."  Telling me that he wants to remain friends, wants to be my "best friend," is so he can go about his life - trying to figure it all out - without hurting me.


I truly believe that he does not want to hurt me or his wife.  However, no, we can't be "just friends."  We can't be friends.  At least not until he comes to grips with 1) his feelings, 2) why he is having these feelings and 3) what he is going to do about them.  And he may never.

The Kind Heart

The Kind Heart,
hears with love,
sees with compassion,
feels
and, deep down
knows....
this too, will pass.


The Kind Heart,
while taking some 
satisfaction
in
your discomfort,


truly knows,
in time,
that it wishes you no harm.


It doesn't take pleasure,
true pleasure,
in knowing 
that you are,
uncomfortable.


That you are,
unhappy.


If you are playing,
it doesn't necessarily,
with time,
wish you bad,
just
maybe,
that you,
go.....
away.


If you are immature,
it doesn't take
pride
in 
watching you
grow up.




It cares, even when you don't deserve it
It feels, even when it doesn't want to,
It knows, deep down,
that it wishes you well,
even when it doesn't want to.


That is,
The Kind Heart.

Unexpected Turn of Events

I've been friends with a man.  And his wife. For about a year.
In December, this man told me that he was in love with me.
At that time, he wanted me to consider running off with him.
Even though his wife would get the house.
And he was talking to Social Security about retirement.

I told him that while I was flattered, I was not in love with him.
That I would "try" not to hurt him -
And somehow was able to convey to him that I wasn't going to fall in love with him,
Nor was I going to run away with him.

For the next month, I basically avoided him.
It wasn't all that hard, as it was Christmas time and things were going on.
I wanted to talk to him, and reiterate that I just wanted to be friends.
That I liked both him AND his wife, and
had NO intention whatsoever to break them up,
be part of their break up,
and should they break up,
I would not be there to pick up any pieces.
I was their - both his and her - friend.
Nothing more.

Life worked its way, and in time, without completely losing touch with them,
he and I met for coffee.
He told me he had had a rough patch there, had told his wife everything,
she had basically "counselled" him....

I told him, "good, because as much as I loved him,"
I was not in love with him,
and was never going to run away with him.
That I could not hurt his wife, like that.
And deep down, I didn't think he wanted to hurt her.

Four months later, I get this message.
Please meet with me.
I have something I need to share with you.

Knowing partially what this about, I went.
Slightly irritated,
though not certain why.

Turns out, he is in love with both me and his wife.
He doesn't want to hurt his wife,
though stating, she'd get the house.

He doesn't know why this is?
He has been praying about it.
Trying different churches,
Trying to seek solace in God,
Trying to find an answer.
WHY is this happening?

He said that his wife asked him that morning if he was going to leave her.  He said, "no." (thank goodness)
He did confide in her his feelings.
He told me that she had shared times that he had done certain things that made her jealous and angry.
Though her feelings were not at me.
That she liked me.
That she knew I was not out to "take her husband." (oh, thank goodness....  Because honestly, if he left her for me, I'd be siding with her)

He wants me to set the boundaries.
Basically he cannot.
He said that if he couldn't get a handle on it, he would go to counseling...and
Should he go to counseling, he wants ME to be there with him.*

He also wants to be MY best friend.
He saw a post of mine, in which I arranged to have lunch,
with another man.
He was immensely jealous.
Did I know it made him jealous?

Um, no.

He tells me, we can have lunch together.

Well, we can, though not at this juncture.


I can't very well be your friend, if you are in love with me and married to someone else.
There needs to be that separation.
And no, you can't be MY best friend.  It isn't how it works.
You are to be your wife's best friend.  FIRST.


We part, on "good" standings.
He doesn't want me to drop him.

What else am I to do?
His feelings aren't wrong, it's what he does with them.
And I can't be around him in the same manner as we have been, because that will just create more intense feelings - and feelings that I am not encouraging.
Nor do I return. 
I truly feel like he is my TWIN.  I bounce off of him like a sibling.  Nothing more.
I do love him though it is not romantic.


And he said that.  He said, "You have made it perfectly clear that you do not return my feelings nor are you going to run away with me."  Good.

* Later when I'm talking to a friend about this...she said, "IF he goes to counseling, most likely the counselor will want to see him, perhaps his wife - and it will be UP to the counselor as to whether you are there or not.  Though probably not."  THANK GOODNESS.  Why should I have to be there? I'm really not a part of this.  I've done NOTHING but be a friend to them.


My friend with whom I confide in, asked me questions about this man.  He is older.  Mid-60s. In the past year, he was "forced" into early retirement.  Basically the company he was working for fired him.  While he hated the position, or came to hate the position, he had been so busy and was employed that he couldn't keep up.  Now he has too much time on his hands and, is, lonely.

My friend said, as men age, and their sexual capabilities diminish, they sometimes seek outside stimulation.  Nothing unnatural about it.  We as people, notice others of the opposite sex (or others in addition to our spouse/partner) and will continue to do so as long as we are alive.  My friend also said that most marriage survive it, as the men don't usually develop crushes on this "targeted" person.

Also, most men don't have as much time on their hands to then focus on ....well fantasies.

I feel relieved that he probably isn't truly "in love" with me, even though he feels that he is.  I can fully understand this and it helped me greatly.  She also suggested that I become "social" friends with them, rather than maintain the close friendship that I have had.

However, it kind of makes me mad.  Because now, another friend - contact - resource - has been removed, if only temporarily - though I don't know for how long, from my life.  This takes MY FRIEND away from me.


I realize that it isn't anything that I've done wrong, nor is it something that he has done wrong, though he does need to figure it out - mostly for the sake of himself and his wife, and their marriage.  I will go on.... 

April 25, 2012

Today is one of those days that you just can't get started.  I'm bathed, clothed, and have my make up on.
Fighting work, don't want to be here - it's hot out, hotter than normal for April in the West.
Grass is already taking off, I'll need to mow soon.
Like this morning.
Frustration is mounting, really.
Not only am I working for a crazy person (I am), and more than a little bored at work,
I'm wanting to go up and kiss my crush.
Suck his very lips off his face.
I want to go sit outside, drinking ice tea somewhere and eating a brownie ala mode.
Putting my legs up and being a bit of a tease to a crush....
Cure my hornyness.
Be free.
Drink Beer.
Drink Ice tea.
Eat watermelon.
Soak up some sun.
Sit by the pool.
Read a book.
Paint.
Kiss my crush.
Run off.

And it's only April 25, 2012.

Why is it like learning to Ride the Bike, every time?

Why is it that once you find a guy that you like, you still have to figure out 1) how to actually meet, 2) how to let HIM know that you are available and interested, if the situation has yet to present itself.  And then 3) why is it that you figure out how to way-lay one guy, but it doesn't work for the next guy?  


Every time, I feel like I'm learning to ride the damn bike all over again!  


Maybe that's a reason to stay stuck on the old guy (the former love) because you can't figure out HOW you are to meet someone new.  

Grief?

Grief is an ugly friend; she simply is not nice.
She shows her head when you least expect,
stays longer than you want,
doesn't say much though takes a lot.
About the time she is gone for good,
she comes back,
worse than a bad penny.

We as humans love experiencing the fun parts of life,
the livelihood, the laughter.
We can even handle the sadness, assuming it doesn't stay too long.

But Grief?  Who wants...to...even acknowledge that?
Why does grief come?
When will it go away?
And for good?

Grief is associated with more than the loss of a loved one.
Grief can be part of a move,
a job change,
even for the better.
Happy events can cause grief,
sometimes while celebrating with one loved one,
we remember another loved one that is not there.
Saying good-bye to a job we do not like,
we still have to say good-bye no doubt, to parts
that
we did like.

Grief is not nice,
though necessary.
For it gives us time to process our feelings,
our thoughts.

It gives us the okay to feel bad,
to cry,
to mourn,
to yell,
to feel ugly.

Do we not deserve this time?
To recouperate,
to rejuivinate,
after all we've given?


To be fully human,  to be fully alive.
To be fully "here," in the now, instead of in the past.
To be fully alive, we must have all feelings -
the good, the bad,
the ugly, the sad,
on board.

We can't experience grief,
if we are running from it.

We must feel the feelings of sadness,
of grief,
of anger,
of loneliness,
to fully feel the feelings of love,
giving,
contentment.

Grief.

My Lesson or Yours?

Is it not possible that if people are put into our life for a lesson, that we, then, aren't put into other's life, for a lesson - for them?

Somewhat like Karma - like doing good and the "reward" of doing good is simply the good feeling that you get from it, versus getting an actual "prize."

This thought came to me this morning as I thought about my friend's most recent relationship.  Four dates - two weeks - and he's not ready for a relationship.

Perhaps my friend's involvement in this whole thing was simply so this young man could get experience in "breaking it off," without the drama of tears, things flying through the air, and name calling?

No one likes to think that it wasn't about them.  Or that it wasn't more meaningful than THAT....

However, what if some of our "trists" really are so others can learn lessons, too?

*Not Even A Chance To Ruffle....

* My girlfriend didn't even get a chance to ruffle through his dresser drawers... 


The last girlfriend, his former fiance had been going through his bank statements and noticed that a significant amount of money went missing - obviously to a jeweler?  So the fiance to be, went ruffling through his dresser drawers and found THE RING.


My girlfriend didn't even get her chance.

"THE TALK"

So four dates, 2 weeks and a run in with the ex-girlfriend he claimed to be over, led to "THE TALK" last night.

At noon they were going to some "environmental" movie that she wasn't all  that interested in - hey! it was an opportunity to spend time with him and see what else they had in common!

By 5:30, she was sending texts saying "that guy I was seeing, I'm not seeing anymore.  Apparently he isn't ready for another relationship."

HUH?  What?

My very immediate response was "OH FUCK.  Wanna go get drunk?"

I seriously couldn't believe it.
I don't know why.

Turns out he sent her a text mid-afternoon saying "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Or something to the effect.  She responded, rightfully so, with "I'm  not going to get into this via text."  So then he asked to come over tonight to "talk."  To have "The Talk."

The talk consisted of him jammering around for 5 minutes, wanting to not be a jerk, not wanting to hurt her, not really wanting to have to "do this," and yet having to do this... and finally she told him, "out with it, okay?  I'm 10 years older than you, I've been down this road before, just say it already."  And so he told her,  he wasn't ready for a relationship right now.  He thought he was and then he ran into his former girlfriend (*former fiance) whom he'd broken up with months ago, the night before and apparently realized he still had feelings for her.

He told my friend, "you can keep my movie, you can watch it and get it back to me,"  and of course added that he wanted to "still" be friends, and she said, " no...why would I? It isn't like we are going to be hanging out, because that is what friends do.  They hang out together."

If "THE TALK" had happened say 4 months down the road, it would have made sense.  But now?  What's the purpose?

..............and thus... when we are in need of talking, of sharing and we put "quotation marks" around our need... it really means HELP!  

Attached to My Butt

A friend confessed the other day.... she'd been seeing a fella for a couple weeks.

She had wanted to keep it secret, as he had recently broken up with a girl, and she was an acquaintance of her's.  A friend of her good neighbor.  She didn't want to step on toes.

I was sort of in awe... since when can't we date a former boyfriend of literally someone we only know by name. Someone we have never hung out with, probably never will - though by the time we might, it will be so old.  Furthermore, where does this fit into the possibility of dating and even marrying your best friend's former girlfriend?  If boys can do it, girls can too!  We have to meet somehow!

All that said, her comment to me was that as much as she liked him, she would make it to my birthday party without him 'attached to my butt.'


I got a good laugh out of that!  Thankfully a friend who can do something without a love interest attached to her every move!

It Started.....

It Started with a look,
a smirk?
definitely a smile
that went from his mouth
right up to his eyes.

A voice,
sharp yet smooth
spicy yet sweet

Words said so specifically
Not minced with so many herbs
That you couldn't tell what it was.
Humorously stated,
as though there was a dandelion in the floral mix.

Perhaps the smile started at his eyes
and ran down to his mouth,
somewhere that smile started.

That smile, it started
Me listening
and watching,
waiting for next thoughts
to purposely be stated
grasping an idea in my mind
wrestling with my thoughts
my ideas

Somewhere, on
his face,
It Started.

Reminder: Live Your Life, Regardless

This isn't starting out so well, which isn't true.  I'm twitterpated.  What isn't starting out so well is that I don't need more distractions.  Or I don't need more opportunity to be distracted.  It isn't that I'm ADD, though sometimes I have sypmtoms of being as much.  Sometimes I am anxious and have trouble settling down and doing what I need to do.

I stated in an earlier post that a friend of mine wasn't living her life when she let friends of a guy "dictate" whether she would flirt with another guy or not (and she forgot her own words - you are more interesting when you are talking to other guys than being a wall-flower on the bar stool).

Well, I got home last night and was so excited over a fella's email that I couldn't WAIT to write back.  And NOW, I'm waiting for him to reply.  There's no way he can reply when I can't stop emailing.  Though my point is, did I do the things I needed to do? The things I long to do?  Nope, I wrote to him. 

Ugh, when will I learn?

Truly, I know better.  It is important for me to live my life and not get so distracted, because if something goes wrong, or goes south, then I have to pick up my pieces to my life again.  "If you are tired of starting again, quit stopping."

Furthermore, by doing my own things, keep going forward in MY life, I am more interesting.  I am also more successful which I need to be on  many levels, and that in turn makes my life - my life.  And I'm living instead of stewing. 

...................I'm also a little tired this morning from lack of sleep.............ah twitter pating...

How Many Toads Do You Know?

So my girlfriend sent me a text this morning - telling me EVERYONE that was out.  3 of my crushes, 2 of her's, some old toads, toads that apparently aren't going to speak to us again..Toads with matching women.

I said, "my mom would have a hay day with this."  At least we know men that actually talk to us.  Not that we want them, or apparently they don't want us.  At the same time, do we really want to be "THAT" girl.  That girl that is dating HIM?

HIM:
He's boring.
He's negative.
He's full of himself.
He's arrogant AND boring.
He's not ready to settle down.
He's with the flavor of the week.  He has his fun and enjoys his fun, though he's discreet.
He went home.
He was afraid to say "hello," as it looked like the girl who was with him, would rip out his tongue if he did so.
He's old.
He's drunk........................................................................................................................... all the time.
He only dates older women that are into themselves.
He's a player.
He's really not that interesting because he's dating a very uninteresting girl and thus, together, they ARE BORING.
He won't dance (while a good dance partner is really nice, if he's just willing...).
He's dating someone who is underage.
He spit his drink on me, apparently accidentally.
He was interested in only ONE thing, and we didn't fit together well.
He is.... ya know, I can't remember his last name.
He has nothing to say.
He dances WAY too fast. And he dropped me.  Then he wanted to flip me.  And do it over again.
He can't carry on a conversation, though he will send you naughty texts.
He hints that you ought to follow him to the bar after you are done "here" (dancing) - I'm not sure if he wants to talk there, since he can't communicate with you here.
He's a convict. And I slept with him.
He can't meet you for a beer because he doesn't "know" you.  Even though you asked and you were paying for the beer.
He doesn't seem to be with her anywhere but the bar.
He drinks.  The only time you see him, is with a beer in his hand.
He dances, but with a drink in his hand.
He thought I thought there was something going on, so he sent me a text telling me he wasn't available for more - I didn't realize I was interested in him.
He's dating a married woman.
He's interested in my friend, I think.
He's a convict.  He's been in jail for a sex offense. Though I was interested until I found THAT out.
He's like 20 years younger than me.  .
He may be interested, but he doesn't chase.  He's too  lazy.  He's used to women pursuing him.
He seems to  only date "high maintenance" women.
He doesn't seem to go anywhere, except the bar.
He has children, that he isn't that involved with.
He holds his own pity party.   Regularly.
He doesn't ask me anything about me or my interests.




Know any of these toads?

Time To Let Go...

Time to let go.
Truly.
It's been coming on for - a month now?
Yes.
I know I felt it driving to my sister's a few weeks ago.
Felt the ability to let go...
of Dumbass 
surface.
Came home and apparently couldn't get it done.


I think I've held on for all this time,
partly because he's been a diversion in my life.
I have new diversions or new interests.
And goals.
Things I want.
Things that are important, 
and FAR MORE
important
than a
Dumbass.


Though what solidified it today was the relation of why
I've held onto him:


1) He's been out and about 
2) He has participated in mild-flirtation
3) He has been kind of fun to place in shock mode.  For me to show up when he least expects it (though some of it was be "coincidence"), and with someone or many people he had no idea I had connection to
4) He's a player - so there's always that possibility.


HOWEVER, and regardless of the fact that she is boring and he appears to be boring (especially when I see them out together - because hell yes, I'd have him on the dance floor) - 


He does have a girlfriend.
Player or not.
He has a girlfriend.


And it has never been my "M.O" to continue to like someone once I find out that they, have, a girlfriend.


Right, wrong, boring, pretty, ugly, boring, doesn't matter.
He apparently has a girlfriend - 


Have fun with that-
Time to let go.