It is because I am honest that I don't "save myself." When 'D in G' asked me "where does your mom live," and I could hear the fear in his voice, that she.....might.....live.......................................................................................
with..............
me......
I could have stopped the relationship RIGHT THERE.
Because I was telling him that I was going to be too busy the coming week to get together.
Which was true.
Though I could feel it inside me, that I wanted nothing to do with him.
Not in a scary way, just too....over-bearing.
But no, I say, "oh she lives in the 'Basin'." Because I didn't want to tell him where she lived. It's none of his business after a 1st date. And I don't know him.
I could hear the relief in his voice.
So a week later, when in the motel room in Amarillo, with my mom and telling her about 'Dig,' and she's asking me questions - is he cute? what does he do? where did he take you to dinner? etc.
She said, laughing, "you should have said, 'yes, she lives with me. She sleeps in the basement."
She went on to say, "and she doesn't hear a thing once she goes to the basement."
MOM!
Both of us, laughing, I said, "and she has this little dog that doesn't like anyone, but he won't bite you. He goes with her. He will be fine,"
and my mom picked that up and added, "he's fine until he wakes up and needs let out at night. Then he will realize there is someone in the house that he doesn't know, and....."
Yep, all I would have to say is, "my mom lives with me, part time," and that would end any possible relationship. Without having to hurt his feelings.
Looking for my Dance Partner....
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Got Love?
Other than I have been corresponding with a few other guys, though I haven't sealed the deal with anyone, its amazing how one fella that's coming on TOO strong plus a series of men that don't even look interesting can change a perspective.
I certainly know that they are not the end of the road. I'm just happy not to have to talk to them, to try to get something worthwhile out of the conversation.
Sorry, I do not want someone who "can smile, and probably would smile if they were with me."
Nor, do I want someone who "is interesting, and would be a lot more interesting if I would......."
Its not about me. You need to be whoever you are with or without me. If I compliment you, all the better. I can't make you into someone you are not. Nor do I want to.
I certainly know that they are not the end of the road. I'm just happy not to have to talk to them, to try to get something worthwhile out of the conversation.
Sorry, I do not want someone who "can smile, and probably would smile if they were with me."
Nor, do I want someone who "is interesting, and would be a lot more interesting if I would......."
Its not about me. You need to be whoever you are with or without me. If I compliment you, all the better. I can't make you into someone you are not. Nor do I want to.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Pinedale Pudding
This post is past due - it should have been posted by Tuesday of last, but it didn't make it.
I was hooked on someone - have had an attraction with a fella that appears to be successful.* It appears that he is just a player, at the moment.**
And in the middle of Tuesday, reeling backwards after realizing that Pudding has no life, thanks to a discussion with my best girlfriend, something another friend once said, came across my mind "If God SHUT the door, LEAVE IT SHUT."
When in my reeling, my best girlfriend said, "Ya, you have a problem with that door. You get out your hammer and start taking out nails and then remember that God SHUT the door so tightly He put nails in it. You need to stop that."
*I then said, I don't even know if Pinedale is what he says he is. People (and I should have learned this BY NOW) say all sorts of things online and are they really true? One guy "smokes occassionally" turned into pretty much regularly; his social drinking really is "I get drunk and turn into an asshole."
I have another person in my life right now that appears "successful" on the outside, however their life really is a mess. They are very co-dependent.
I went on to say that as far as I know, he is just a pretty picture.
She responded with "That is what I just said. A man is lucky if you give him attention. You are complete. A man simply gives you the chance to save another of God's creatures...lol...just kidding. We are human and humans need to be around other humans. However we can survive just fine on our own."
She went onto say "the proof is in the pudding and right now he is just the pretty box the pudding comes in. Don't even know if the box is empty." (LOL)
**And until he makes much MUCH more of an attempt to get my attention, he's stuck in the box.
I was hooked on someone - have had an attraction with a fella that appears to be successful.* It appears that he is just a player, at the moment.**
And in the middle of Tuesday, reeling backwards after realizing that Pudding has no life, thanks to a discussion with my best girlfriend, something another friend once said, came across my mind "If God SHUT the door, LEAVE IT SHUT."
When in my reeling, my best girlfriend said, "Ya, you have a problem with that door. You get out your hammer and start taking out nails and then remember that God SHUT the door so tightly He put nails in it. You need to stop that."
*I then said, I don't even know if Pinedale is what he says he is. People (and I should have learned this BY NOW) say all sorts of things online and are they really true? One guy "smokes occassionally" turned into pretty much regularly; his social drinking really is "I get drunk and turn into an asshole."
I have another person in my life right now that appears "successful" on the outside, however their life really is a mess. They are very co-dependent.
I went on to say that as far as I know, he is just a pretty picture.
She responded with "That is what I just said. A man is lucky if you give him attention. You are complete. A man simply gives you the chance to save another of God's creatures...lol...just kidding. We are human and humans need to be around other humans. However we can survive just fine on our own."
She went onto say "the proof is in the pudding and right now he is just the pretty box the pudding comes in. Don't even know if the box is empty." (LOL)
**And until he makes much MUCH more of an attempt to get my attention, he's stuck in the box.
Loves Got a Hold On ....
Don't kid yourself, love has got a hold on most of us.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
We want a relationship. We want to feel validated that we are worthy of "anothers" love, another's attention.
Yes, most of us want someone to do "stuff" with. Usually life is more enjoyable, things are more enjoyable when shared.
At what price? At what cost?
I had an interesting and somewhat fun date with a fella last week. The only problem - just one - is that he really didn't want it to end. It was a 4 hour date. On a "school" night - well a work night, for me. And he held my hand, walking me back down main street to my car. And we stopped and looked at dresses in the window and he said, "that would look good on you" or " I would like that dress on you."
I feel somewhat violated just writing that, I felt slightly uneasy when he said it that night.
At one point, he stopped and hugged me. Tight. I wasn't overly uncomfortable. I felt slightly guilty that I wasn't hugging him back as strongly. And yet not.
Since then, I've heard from him a little too much. Furthermore, there's been a pressure there, from him, for me to respond. Respond in some way. More than one conversation of how much he enjoyed my company, more than one conversation of where he wished I had been with him this past weekend - holding his hand, or hiking with him.
And it makes me ....UNCOMFORTABLE.
I want a secure person, someone who isn't always questioning my contact with another...whose calling, whose texting, where does my mom live, where am I going, what am I doing, why haven't I heard from you? Huh?
My own mother doesn't get this much information from me. And neither do you.
And I'm not so needy of love from another that I'm willing to turn off my warning signals, even if they are warning that "HE is insecure." Because I don't know if he is insecure because his marriage is ending or if he is just basically insecure. I'm not willing to turn off my warning signals if he may have a drinking problem, or another person says he's anti-social. No, I have told this fella a bit more than I've told most people - so I've been more open than in the past, perhaps. At the same time, Loves not got SUCH A HOLD on me, that I'm willing to get lost. I'm not willing to let go of me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Player
I shared my experience, I guess I'll call it with a male friend of mine, someone who I hold very dear to me....and he responded with "I think online dating makes it easier for players to be players, it gives them more confidence." He went on and said, "do not give up."
Pinedale Games
A year ago, I met a guy, that seemed almost too good to be true, yet he isn't out of the country (as far as I know) and I turned him down when he asked me to meet him in Riverton.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
I turned him down for many reasons, the primary one being, I didn't know what he wanted. Were we meeting for sex? And why Riverton? Could he not go a bit FURTHER out of his range... I realize that the place shouldn't matter, though there is ...well, it was quite a drive for me.
As soon as I told him no, he kind of fell away. Really should have been and in a sense it was, my FIRST clue.
I never have heard from him in that same sense.
However, throughout the year, every few months, he would "check me out," or in the real world, "wink" at me. And I did, back.
And then I took the bull by the horns and commented on a recent picture of him. And he responded. I was rather surprised that he had.
Not only did he respond, he created a newer profile for himself on the site we first met on, that matched the 2nd site we are on together and contacted me. The newer profile on the 1st site reflects things that I commented were conflicting - he's looking for a relationship versus "dating" and "looking for a commitment."
Eh, he's not looking for either.
He's a player.
How do I know, why do I think this?
I asked him "Do you want to call me and get to know me better, or what? I am a grown woman looking for an honest, fun and interesting companionship, not a cat looking for a play thing."
I heard nothing from him.
Other signals of a player:
1) his YM "handle"....has "please and you" is in it ....says PLAYER all over it
2) while he is on call on some weekends, those weekends, he's online...trolling dating sites, ALL weekend. I wondered last year, am I doing something wrong by not being online all weekend?
* No, I have a life.
** My girlfriend said, "when I lived in the middle of no-where and spent the whole weekend doing nothing, I wasn't online all the time.
*** My girlfriend's response was "He has NO LIFE."
Go to the library, watch t.v. (is that any better?), read, learn to knit.... help someone else. Just because you are "on call" doesn't mean you have to sit around the house.
It does put some things into perspective; he threw out to me, "you know you aren't going to come see me," and yet when I threw it back at him, he had excuses...he was on call. So? Can you not go throw the frisbee in the park? I won't say I didn't question it last year, alas, I made "excuses."
Nope.....and I will be all the better for it.
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