It's really a mixed bag. It's like the song changing from "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles to "Try" by Pink, literally in the middle of the dance.
I got involved with him, knowing full well, that he needed time to process his divorce, his life. And yet, I did follow him. I let him lead. And now the dance has changed, and I find myself - well - probably like others, except again, it's a mixed bag.
Others have dealt with this, when their spouse is either in a bad accident and no longer know them or go through something traumatic and suffer a deep depression*. The difference, we aren't married. I could walk away.
At the moment, I can't walk away and yet I ....sometimes wonder. Am I not the crazy one for staying? Hasn't life dealt me enough hardship? Haven't I taken on enough bullshit?
He went, from "loving me" to pretty much telling me he wasn't in love with me and just wanted to be friends, if that was possible. Um....huh? Um....okay....um, what? Um... huh?
While he hasn't admitted it, and I'm not even sure he's aware of it, or able to, all of his actions - or his words and responses point to depression. A severe depression as well.
I have some friends that tell me to say "Fuck you, get out," and yet I can't. Though sometimes, part of me, really wants to. Basically I want the Mr. R that I know to come back; what if he doesn't? As I work through things today, I still want him to come visit me. I want him to do stuff (no, not JUST that) with me; what if he doesn't?
I have been where he is - struggling for normal, struggling to find himself, when one just isn't there.
While it is true, unless you are happy with yourself, you really can't be happy with another. One said, "well if he hasn't learned how to be by now, he might not." TRUE. If all the 46 years of his life, he had been single. But he hasn't. He has spent 20 years of his life married. Devoting himself to his wife and his family while still trying to maintain some of himself.
If you haven't devoted yourself to another for even 5 years - where you believe that the two of you are committed to each other and you are building a life together that goes in the same direction, then I would be surprised that you understand.
You do loose yourself, and then when someone literally rejects you after ALL you have given -
My first year of actually divorced - not the year I got divorced, but the year after.... I would have PAID for someone to come and read in my house. Or anything. I didn't care. I just wanted to know I wasn't alone.
I remember dating people that were so different from my ex-husband, thinking THAT was the route. And putting myself in relationships that were so unhealthy for me, just so someone would love me. And no one did. Furthermore, I didn't love me. At times, I didn't even think I could be a mother to my dog and cat; I wondered how people with children did it. Would it have been easier?
The only two answers I know at the moment....or maybe three..... or maybe two...
1) Mr. R's actions were not meant to hurt me; despite him acting like an asshole, he is not.
2) It hurts to talk to him, it hurts not to talk to him.
3) I have to take care of me first.
4) He may not know it, I do believe he is chasing grief and peace. And for him, right now, those two are the sides of the same coin. He can think it is a person, and maybe it is - it's just not the person he is thinking. It isn't a person that is separate from him, it is himself.
5) Embarking on this friendship - with the possibility that it comes back to the intimate relationship that at one time we were building together - may be one of the more difficult things I have ever
So maybe I have 5 answers.
