FRUSTRATION BLOG

FRICK, FRACK FACK, FRUCK, RUCK, FICK...you get the idea.

Just gonna say it. FUCK.

I am ... frustrated and not in a good way.  Well maybe there isn't a good way to be frustrated, but I can tell you, I am not in a good way. 

I made a decision a few weeks ago - well the decision was made in May 2011...then again the 1st week of August, about 3 times that week - then verbalized to more than a handful of people about 2 weeks ago....

I am planning on moving to Cheyenne, before the snow flies.  Which really means that I don't have a lot of time, though nothing says I have to move by THEN.  Just my goal.

Once I made the decision, though, I did feel a lot better.  Once I verbalized it and got lots of feedback and support.

However, I have kept it secret from my boss (of course), and my landlords - not because I think they would rent it out from underneath me (though they might after October) but because they would be pressuring me in a way that I DO NOT NEED.

I sent out a resume (via email ) over the weekend and I got a call on it today.  That was nice, that was great and it makes me ill.

I love this town for a lot of reasons.  Aside from the weather, I've been here 7  years, the area for a total of 21.  I know a lot of people and in a sense it is MY town.  Its taken a good 4 years to figure out the ins and outs of Sheridan and where to go, who to see, etc.

Every year I seem to change friends to a certain degree.  Thats been FRUSTRATING.  Not because I don't have good friends now, because I think I do.  However, in our own ways, we are all frustrated with the men available here.  One hasn't been married, and would like to - and have children.  The other 4 of us, have been married and certainly would like someone WORTHY to at least date.  I haven't told any of them that I'm applying in Cheyenne....I suppose partly because in case it doesn't happen - in case I don't get a job.  In case I am still here in the same sucky job in January (which I might add, I don't quite see happening).

Its frustrating to have a decent paying job, but really the work environment is awful because the boss is unstable with her moods (moody does not begin to describe her).  I don't dislike her, I know her unstableness is about her - and the fact that she is just truly, thoroughly, insecure.  And co-dependent.

And moving I leave my counselor of 18 years.  Someone who has levelled me at times (not physcially, emotionally/mentally) when I couldn't do it myself.  Who pointed out that the Cowboy's moods changed when he was drinking and that he said some not very nice things without even being provoked.  It was also my counselor that pointed out my boss' co-dependency.

And my decent paying job has no benefits. 

My family is in Cheyenne, not all of them, I realize.  Though 2 of the BEST TWERPS ever to live are there, and they bring me such joy.  And I enjoy being around my family.  I don't have to live in the same town, though it would be really nice to see them on a regular basis.  Or at least give it a try.

Though again, I leave a group of women that I knit with - that I have knitted with for 20 years.

And that pisses me off.  That angers me.  That frustrates me.  Yes, I know there are other knitters, other knitting stores, other groups and I'll find them... but part of me doesn't want to.

And again, no sooner do I say "I'm planning (DEEP DEEP BREATH) to move to Cheyenne," and a cute, kind of goofy (in demeanor) fella contacts me on Match.  And I think "he could be the one."  Though when I talk to him, part of me thinks he teasing... part of me knows he is not.  He doesn't want to scare me off, yet he can't just let it go...he asks, "do you think there is any sexual tension between us?"  Honestly -

I DON'T KNOW.

I'm tired of seeking love - a relationship - someone to do things with - and FROG FROG FROG ASSHOLE FROG ASSFROG. 

I am TIRED.

I AM FRUSTRATED.

And then I have to move this house.  Yikes.  I have NO idea how to do that.  Do I know what to give up?  Probably if I just do it.

And I really think I may grab a couple garbage sacks (the big leaf kind) and throw stuff in there.....maybe one will be clothes (like Salvation Army/ garage sale) and in there I can put other crap that I've been given that I really don't want but someone might buy for 25 cents and soon I'll have paid for my u-haul (okay that's unreasonable, but you never know).

I guess the bottom line is that in the search for "happiness" with another, the search in finding someone to share one's life with is NOT for the faint at heart, its not ...as in NOT easy.... and sometimes, its just time to shut down, shut the phone off, shut the door and say "talk to you later."

Because right now, I DO NOT have an answer.

I just know that I want to share my life with someone that matters.  Someone that I matter to.

And that by moving, I may be walking into the light, however I feel great sadness at what I am leaving behind.  And this aint easy, either.

FRICK FRACK FRUCK FLIP FLAP FLUB.

Expiration Date or Expectation Date

A friend just "completed" a week-long series of dates with a fella from out of town. 

She said its helped her get over Charlie, a fella with bad intentions.  Not necessarily towards her, or women in general, just not with good intentions for a life. 

She is feeling better than she has in a long time.  And that is great!

She also said, "I think I like expiration dating better.  Just go out and have fun with no expectations."

I replied, "I think that's how dating is suppose to be.  You go out and have fun.  Date for the experience of dating, of meeting someone, of experiencing them for that amount of time and go forward.  Much like going on a vacation to somewhere you've never been."

When did, or has it always been that dating was "expectations" versus "expiration or experiencing"?  Certainly its been this way for a very long time, its not something that showed up in the 21st Century.

Though, I say this again, because I haven't "learned" it, though I am reminded of it... men are just the same as women, and that is generalizing.  There are men that are willing to be in a relationship JUST TO HAVE a relationship.  Even if its the wrong relationship, they don't want to be alone. 

I replied, "I think all dating

The Balance Carries On

At the same time I don't want to go on the date, because I'm kind of starting to dislike it all.

In a sense, I feel that by not going on the date, and walking away - I can cut any strings and just be.

Save my gift certificate and go with someone that I really enjoy, or on a date that will have a possibility.   A date that isn't flooded with lots of negativity; friends worried that he will be rude and inconsiderate to me.

I do not have to do this.

Still Finding that Balance

Here's exactly how I feel...right or wrong...it is how I feel. 

I don't want to go out with him because that will probably be the end of it, whatever "it" is.  And I don't want this ?? hell ?? to end because ya, I'm bored or something.

In a way it seems that being involved is better than nothing

Yet the longer I'm attached in some odd way, the longer the pain continues.

Yet, by God, I am tired of assholes.  One time Willys.
Part of me is afraid that I can't go into the date without an expectation of more.

Just Pudding in the Box

I am beginning to think that all men are really just "Pudding in the Box," and until they prove themselves, that is how they need to be looked upon.  As nothing serious.  Nothing that has proven themselves to be worthy of our time, of our tears, of our fears. 

Recently "bought a cowboy" (Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy) and eventually will have a date with him.  (its scheduled for tonight)  It started out very wild? Partly because he's never been auctioned off and I've never bought a cowboy before; and while I wasn't embarrassed, I just was kind of like a deer in the headlights.  (Oh shit, now what?)

And while we both were feeling, acting in a "holy shit" manner, he still gave me his card with his number.  He still hugged me and said, "call and we'll go out."  And ultimately, he did still call me back after I asked him out.  (Yes, there was a moment that I didn't know)

So why do we cry over pudding in a box?  If it isn't any good, is it really our fault? So we put the right amount of milk in, so we whipped and mixed it for the correct amount of time - just like mom showed us - and we let it chill the right amount of time ....

If it isn't any good, could it not be that the actually pudding that comes in the box, is the problem?

One Decent Damn Man

I don't think people realize just how "on the money" Sex and The City really was and is.

I have a group of pretty friends - 3 beautiful blonds, a striking brunette, and myself - another brunette.  We are 5 different heights, sizes, shapes, personalities, employed in different realms, yet fun loving, smart, generous women.

And do you think one of us can find ONE DECENT DAMN MAN?

Karla's been after a fire man for a while.  Yes, part of the "hold up" is that if she had a date with him, she might not be able to hold back - and she doesn't want to screw it up.  At the same time, either he's in or he's out.  Stop playing...get on it or get out.  Apparently she changed the rules recently, and he's not liking it.  Good for her.

Vicki is new to town, got burnt recently.  Who knew that he was an alcoholic, bad with money and liked a lot of women?  Yes, this guy was to be different.

Stacey is in the same boat I'm in, I think. She's over 40, realizes that "texting" a fella is now the "norm" but really? 

Anita.  Striking in her looks, skinnier than a rail - assists in her striking looks.  Knows how to laugh and be a ditz while not a ditz at all. 

Then there's me.  Working to get into shape, having to color my gray because I'm too young to be this gray and my natural color is too pretty to let go so soon (per my sister).  I won't lie.  I'm tired of being alone; I am lonely.  I would like someone to hug me, to laugh with me, to enjoy me.

Yes, I love my girlfriends.  I have a good time.  My life really doesn't suck.

Its just this one issue. 
Is there just ONE ......decent....damn man available?  We don't each need the 3-5 that we're alloted in life, we just need one.

Celebrate Family Style

Last night I went out of town, just 30 miles, to this BIG RED BARN in the middle of hay fields for a 3rd of July celebration.  A place where families can go, where single people can go to be a part of a bigger family, and listen to wonderful music...dance...people watch (always a favorite) and enjoy the fireworks.

Didn't cost much, $2/car load.  There were food vendors, but I had already eaten.

Old people, young people, ice cream, licorice, popcorn, fried bread.  Big ole green lawn.

It was beautiful; and while I did enjoy the company of some friends, as I sit today, I think - where's my family?  Why aren't we planning something to do family-wise?  Beautiful weather and I could be elsewhere.  I even have today off from work. 

Sadness....
Hoping, yes, that to have a fella in my life, something fun can be planned.  A family camping trip - with my mom in tow!

Celebrations ought to include family.