Expressed Like Never Before

7 years ago, my former spouse asked for a divorce. After so many years of being controlled in a certain sense, by both him and his mom, I couldn't believe it. I had given up, 4 months earlier, a job because he gave me the ULTIMATIUM...it was either my job or him. My parents were adivisng me not to quit, to leave on a good note; he didn't understand that despite the positions "crap," it did give me a sense of belonging. And now... neither. Of course, I went into denial...and we struggled for another 3 months.







Then I got job in town; found a little apartment for my dog and I. Nothing was the same. Nothing was ever the same. At times, a quiet voice inside me said, "tell him to find a lawyer and get it done." Just do it, just do something, for once that doesn't require YOUR MOM. That is how I felt.






I know lots of people, probably the majority of people, still believe that it was I, who asked for the divorce. I had been controlled, manipulated; I put up with water that I couldn't drink, I couldn't bathe, I couldn't clean with. Did I finally have enough?






No, because I felt then that if my marriage crumbled it would be ALL MY FAULT. I HAD to make it work. In addition to the fact that I believed then what I still do....my ex-husband is not a bad guy. He has a sweet tender heart. The world is a better place because he is in it, its just too bad he can't own that.






However this isn't about him, this is about me. YES, ME! Damn it. I gave up my way of life, I gave up possibilities for me, to marry and move to rural Montana. To learn a new way of life. And I did. I learned to ride, and enjoy it. I learned to cut cows and be successful at it. I learned how to calve a heifer, know how long to wait before I went in to help. I learned who to call for what kind of help. I learned names of grasses, I learned about rattle snakes and different birds. The signs of spring. I came to appreciate nature in a way I would never have. I possibly understand people better because of my life in Montana. I also got crushed.






Big Time.






Had to give up my way of life, the life I'd come to know and even love. Basically had to give up everything, again, for him. What did he give up?






Rounding the corner, enhancing on the art that I love and art that I wanted to learn, I got involved with another art group in town. Painters, sculpters .....artists of a different fiber. I took classes I would never had, had I still been in Montana. Mainly because I wouldn't know they existed.






Something I have wanted to do for the past 5 years, is to have my own "Art Camp." A place very much like Brave Girls Club, though I hadn't formalized it enough in my mind.... but a place where adults could come and try their "hand" at art. Whether it be pottery, yupo, MODGE PODGE, weaving.... knitting, felting, fabric dying..... some will take with them a sense of healing, others a wonderful experience of taking this art piece that didn't turn out with another and making something that DID. Or maybe it doesn't, but hang it on the wall and call it "a walk in nature" and see what kind of life it takes on.






What I've come to realize, for myself, is that Life is ART. ALL of life. Whether it be cooking oatmeal for your children in the morning, hiking the hills looking for deer sheds, saving a life in the OR, communicating....ALL of that is art. And its special. And its beautiful.

Eyes Open, Door Shut

Quite honestly, until someone comes around that is exciting in some way, my door is shut.  I've kept my eyes open, ears alive, and willing to go on a date, or date someone with spark.  However, some of my goals have changed, some of my.... I don't know.  At the moment, I'm takin' a break!

Stay Stuck

If Geo is stuck on the interstate between here and there, he can just stay stuck!
He didn't call,
He said "no" in all the ways, except "no thanks."
I endured my ex-husband and his new wife and family, yet again.

My sister says that my ex is "uncomfortable" in normal situations; and that, sad to say, is true.  So add an uncomfortable situation, and its almost uncomfortable watching.

My ex and I, actually managed pretty good, I would say, running into each other at the most surprising moments, until he found another uncomfortable being like himself.

And then it was really odd.
Again, the three of us, now, would run into each other at the most surprising moments and instead of an "oh, hi," and pass each other quickly, they would grab hands, turn and almost run.

For a long time, I thought it was because of something they thought I WOULD DO, which for the life of me, I couldn't think what that was.  I have  never made a scene; I didn't even make a scene in public over my divorce.

Then I realized it was them.
It truly was them.
I suppose what got me, somewhat the most, is that one year they were dating, his whole family behaved the same way.
An ABOUT face had been done right in front of me, and I didn't know why.

Then they got married,
his brother & sister in law that I know rather well, became friendly again.
At any time.

I would learn, they didn't like the new wife.
MY former mother in law's opinion really doesn't count, because she likes none of the outlaws.  Her support is just as odd as his behavior. 

Maybe it wasn't that I endured them, it is that they endure me. 
Its actually kind of funny.
As I got up to go check out my "bucket" (which I didn't win), his new wife had clearly pointed me out to some other chick, as she was checking me out.  PLEASE. 

So stay stuck in Montana. 

A Wink Does Not Mean Interest

I was contacted by Geo, not necessarily by a wink,  though maybe it was.  I don't recall.

He lives over 100 miles from me, he contacted me in which ever way it was because I was pretty, I was cute. 

BUT I lived over 50 miles from him.  And he didn't have horses and he lived in a Single Wide. 

I thought he was cute, why not try?

We chatted, exchanging emails on a regular basis.  He led me to believe that he'd actually come down over 100 miles to see me.  130 miles to be exact.  MOST of it, Interstate.

So I asked him down.  He was handing out his phone number, contacting me...WHY NOT?

No sooner did that invite go out....
his wink became a blink.....
he had something in his eye....
he was worried about the weather...
then he had a JOB....
and a family......
and by gosh, he would call regardless of whether he was going to make it or not.

I wondered, for no more than a blink of my eye, just what he thought I didn't have?
I have a job,
A LIFE,
Extended family,
Who the hell did he think he was talking to?

Its almost 24 hours since his call should have comed....
The weather has turned from nice to snow,
I vaguely wonder if he's on that interstate,
Should I go look?
Or should I just stay home!

Do They Know?

A side trip, in my quest, really for love, for a partner ... partner in crime whom I plan to share the rest of my life with....

Every so often, I get a glimpse of this couple.
I don't know who they are, or their names.
I just know they walk out from the alley in which I drive - and walk out of -
and down the street in front of my house -
the very same street I walk down (usually) as I head for a walk with Stella.

Usually, though not always, they are holding hands.
Most always though, they seem to be very much at ease with each other.
It seems much like a gentle relationship,
which isn't to say there isn't passion, or deep desire.
Just an ease between them.
And they are young.
They aren't an old couple who has spent 45 years together.
So far, there are no children -
though for all I know, they aren't even married.
Ah, not that THAT is necessary (anymore).

Do they know that I see them in my windows?
Do they know that they make a nice picture?
Do they know?

A Kept Woman! Who? Me???

I never really thought about it.
Growing up, I wasn't the pretty one, I wasn't the cute one, I wasn't the one with all the personality that just drove people MY way....
I was tall, awkward and both very shy and quiet.
I wanted to be noticed, though I had nothing (and I do mean, nothing) to say.
So needless to say, I didn't dream about my wedding.
I didn't even think I would get married until into my 30s or even 40s.
I thought I would do more travelling,
I thought I would be a successful business woman.
Of some kind.
Amazing that I had that THOUGHT (successful business woman), since I didn't even get to wear high heels.  At all.
Since I didn't even have a body for cute clothes or dresses.
Eh, I did gain some clothing style in high school.
Dare I say I even brought some trends to my high school?
Yep, I do have memories of wearing stylish dresses, heals, and being someone to LOOK at.

Throughout the summer, my thoughts were easily that when I "re-married" I would continue to work my own business.
And I don't doubt that I would.
Even as I write this tonight, after today's true thoughts.

My true thoughts were that YES, I think I could be a kept woman.
Assuming that my significant other - yep, we'd be married -
made A LOT of money.
Because I don't want to be married and poor.
Did that.
Not doing it again.

Yes, I could wear the pretty, fitted, stylish suits.
Or fun flashy jeans.
I could keep a fairly neat house, with a big workroom for my many projects.
Make dinner, plan parties, behave at the "proper social" events.

I would love to go knit with the ladies, and belong to boards and be a "worker bee" for the many charities or non-profits.

I wouldn't be the snob that some women, well, just are.
I would be approachable.

I guess though, I always thought I would be BORED (and possibly highly irritated) out of my mind, pretending that I liked the other socialites - which is why the thought of being a wife to such a man, never truly stayed in my mind for any length of time.  So my high income earner lover and friend would have to accept that I am who I am and if someone annoys me at a party, they might very well know it.

I would just be me....only I wouldn't have to worry about bringing home any bacon.  I would just have to worry about setting off the smoke alarm when I fried it.

I think I could handle that.

Closing Down the Shack, Just like That!

I was out on Friday night with some friends, we were discussing men and how to meet them.  My friend JI is in a relationship with someone that she went to school with, however, 32 years later they became reaquainted at her Uncle's funeral.  So thus - no limits to where or how you meet someone.

Later on that night, I overheard a couple talking.  I didn't know if they were dating, on a date, married; I just saw their faces, their body movements and heard a few comments.  They themselves made me want to never date again.  They looked unhappy, the man, looked angry.  The one comment I overheard him say was, "he said 'I will never let another man raise my kids.' "  While I have no idea who he was talking about, I kind of smirked to myself.  If you don't want someone else to raise your children, then do everything you can to keep your marriage together.  And if need be, do it FOR the kids.   Yes, that means, stop drinking, stop gambling, stop thinking "its greener on the other side."  Its never greener on the other side; its life.  Stop yelling, stop abusing, STOP BEING MEAN.  Work on yourself for a change.

As soon as he said those words, and I had my thought, I seriously wanted to "close down my 'dating' shack....and yes, just like that."

Not because I think all men are like that, not because I think my next significant other will be like that (because I'd rather be alone)... maybe because I am taking some time to work on myself.  Do some things really for myself - art things.  Get back into the art of my life, and doing creative artistic things that feed my soul.

Closing down the shack, just like that!